A rebel without a clue.

I did a about turn on the threshold of Bar3, as I was about to leave because it's a tedious place, but a bit of skirt, or in this case faux wet leggings hugging a fine set of pins, and returned for a half of Leffe Blonde and to try to complete the current chapter of As I Walked Out One Midsummer Morning ; I am easily pleased. The usual cluster of folks at the bar, with the addition of a forgotten dog; and there goes an old face: Richard Broadbent. There is little chance of completing the chapter. *** As the cork is degorged and the pitiful nonsensical mutterings of Andy, proprietor of Bottle & Bean, who complains that Wetherby Brew Co. copied his idea... Andy's establishment isn't original, why I had the same idea some 10 years before he existed in Wetherby, but I didn't have the finances. *** Heading back to Leeds on the blessed X98 after a lovely morning in Knaresborough, with Lola and Stephen, walking a little section of the Round before we had to turn back to ge...

Is this the last year of peace in Europe, ever? God it brings me down! Watching the news with my mother three times a day and then crap nonsense television about doing up crap to sell. It's so trivial that maybe a huge war might reignite passions which seem lacking around here. On Monday after the alcohol counselling I drank two 330ml of Orval and one Bad Seed pale pint. Today nothing. Two hot chocolate: so banal. But war... It's going to get bad with sanctions against Russia! Why is Russia willing to push the west this way? Is it some perceived weakness - but the German Chancellor just backed out of the gas pipeline. *** The sound of a Blackbird singing at dawn is the best sound to awaken to. The worst is the groaning of a cheap tart in the room next to me...  Foreign language syndrome ... From a stroke. To my right a flickering teatree light: quite vague and pretty meaningless, gutters all night long as if it is a prehistoric lamp. Surely the existence of these pseudo-candles...

The emptiness of Lola's belly. As she nods her head, under the blanket, and then stirs to look meaningfully in my direction I know that expression. Usually around half an hour after we've decamped from my room, after she's forced me to get dressed, get a coffee and join the day, she begins to get hunger restlessness. It's just hit 6 am and I expect around 6:15 this knowing glance will occur. If I ignore her then she'll yawn noisily, cry and, finally, crawl over to me and put her paws on chest while yawning and crying. She will not take no for an answer. Mum and Emma don't feed her until they get up, but Lola and I get up together around 5:30, as I prefer the mornings, and she's used to our differences *** Yesterday morning I got frustrated with Lola, twice, and I lashed out her! I felt terrible afterwards as I just don't lash out at her ever! True, she's got some terrible habits: getting into bins to scavenge titbits, knocking over bins to nose aroun...

Orval and Manchego go so well together. I've never had Orval cheese... It's unbelievable. I've had other Moines Fromage from all over the Francophile section of the Continent, which has drifted further away in the past two years, and I'll happily get to that corner of Belgique where Orval pervades (I was so close when I met Glenn in Reims and we sped passed Sedan and Verdun on our BlaBlaCar way to Metz and a wonderful French/German/Luxembourg luncheon). So you're not meant to eat the wax on cheese... I always do, except when it's truly obviously wax: Edam, Gouda or Leerdammer. Is it possible to imagine a life where there is nothing but walking in the hope of the salvation of work at the end of endless roads. Without a doubt this is my current occupation, but I am spared the crowds of destitute men who had nothing better to do than meander, sullen, lost and starving, in the 1930s: the destitute now inhabit the cities and their roads are restricted to the Green Be...

Two hours at the allotment: it's waterlogged in places. I went in a bit deep in places. Fingers crossed that we have a drought until Autumn now! Enough rain for a year! Started forking the section by the gate: ideal for the early potatoes as it's been fallow 3 years: lots of dock, nettles and buttercups; and tons of worms. Heading back on the X98 to attend the alcohol counselling session with Forward Leeds at 15:30. I'm hungry so going to head to Manjit's Kitchen in Kirkgate. Changed out of my muddy boots. Taking them to the flat to clean and treat them. Ideally I'd like to change my track pants for a pair of shorts.  Next visit to the allotment on Wednesday as Andy's going up then too. The weekend looks good too. Mum's got an appointment date, 5th March, for her knee operation. Perhaps I could go away for a week prior to then as I'll probably be more necessary than I was prior? *** I am waiting in the Light Surgery for the alcohol counselling session an...

Those folks who are my friends don't really understand me at all. But do they need to? I felt barren again after they shot their opinions at me. Depression is something that other people do to me. They're the beings that undermine positivity. They're all around me, but I choose to listen to their angry words. And does it matter what they think and say? They've their own problems, which I have no concept of, to bring them down? 

Another windy night. I awoke and was unable to return to Lalaland, laying there I heard Adrian rage around 6 am, perhaps he couldn't sleep either. Sunday was a wash out. I walked Lola between downpours, but in the afternoon there was no such break. I don't want to drench her, and she gets a lot of exercise normally. Emma picked her up around 3 and she sat on Emma's back seat like a human staring out of the window - she loves journeys... Watched some very average Catherine Cookson drama, which was tediously long, and made more so by adverts every 14 minutes, with mother. She's addicted to those North Eastern clichéd narratives. But it helped see out the nasty wet Sunday. Stayed away from the Mews and BAE(Dark Hot Chocolate)for a day. Got Forward Leeds appointment this afternoon so this will be two dry days on the bounch. Spent £2 on bus fare. Waited 10 minutes for the bus at 8 am - it was pissing it down. Had scrambled eggs for breakfast and am considering a walk up to t...

Bumping into Holly, that's her name, who I met that Thursday early evening at North Bar, made the collosal crazy wet two hours between Scarcroft and The Lakeside in Roundhay Park worth it. That was the purpose of those 12 miles. She got on the 13A at Roundhay Road shops, next to KFC. Fate was the title of today's bus ticket and it was fate which brought her onto the bus. It took me some time to recognise her and I didn't know her name. Perhaps, if I see her again, I can ask her for her number? At the flat I changed out of the wet/damp items of clothes, as the cloud cover broke and blue sky peeped through, and put the hot water on. But it's very busy in Leeds Centre and I am consigned to the last bar stool in FOH. I am not going to stay longer than the half. There is a vibrancy to Leeds. But I might head away from it... The mission failed! Second half. But I am not bothered about more than a couple of halves. Tired. It was a tough last leg on this morning's walk. ......

Did I binge last night? I almost certainly had a hangover. Around 4:30am I came downstairs for a paracetamol and a glass of water. At around 6 the chirping of a bird brought me awake: the hangover had gone, but now I have a slight hole in my finances! It's so wreckless and puts me at odds with my aims. The aim I told myself in January. Meeting up with people up at the Brewery: hanging out with people I have nothing in common with and pretty much don't like! It's such a waste. Today I don't feel bad and the storm has blown away into the continent: there is blue sky and a gentle breeze. Can I stay sober until Forward Leeds meeting on Monday afternoon? Definitely! That's my mission. The allotment Sunday and walking today. No sense in crying over yesterday's mistake: something like that had to occur (it being Friday) and it's the first hangover since my birthday. Time to make breakfast: left over Dhal. Breakfast and put those meager asparagus seedlings in the sp...

Oh, it's wet outside! The rain against the windowsill woke me twice. Second time I got up! No hangover. Feel quite brightly this morning! Storm Eunice is outside, battering the tower block. This morning I was going to slow down and go to Wetherby a little later: allowing the rain to move away (if it can be encouraged)! In Our Time  features Romeo and Juliet , which is one of Shakespeare's plays which is obsessed about! Too much for me. The themes just don't appeal! Give me King Lear, any day, with its violence and insanity. *** So it's noon and it's chucking it down now. Lola and I enjoyed a sunny walk around The Ings before I was sent to collect groceries and post a trinket. After another dark chocolate, going through the motions, here we are in Bottle & Bean - half a pale ale. Beak Fable 5.5%. ... Walked Lola to my sister while the storm increased in volume. Now I'm having a couple of beers in Wetherby Brewery. Mild 3.6% average and Jet Black Ale porter. ....

Didn't drink on Wednesday. Spent £5 only! One way bus ticket and one Dark Chocolate drink at BAE. Came back to pick up Lola and then collect Finley from the back gates of Crossley Street School @ 3:15pm. It was wet and wild so we came straight back. Then watched a documentary about Moorish history of Spain. A simplified version of the work of Non Fiction I am currently working though: it said much the same with a very 'raunchy' Bethany Hughes - the Nigella Lawson of History Documentaries (who seemed to become more important than the subject matter in her later works) - When the Moors Ruled in Europe. .... But after working on the allotment I had a few beers! All below 5 and over several hours: 2 until 6, and I was on the bus for an hour. Between it I had another Dark Chocolate drink and a couple of meat pies. Counting them up this might be a binge? Pint and half before I took Lola home, two pints afterwards, bus X98 to Oakwood, then a bottle of a Dunkel and finally a Ossett...

To be unified. Perhaps the best thing to do is disband NATO? The closer we draw a line in the sand along the east/west frontier the less likely it is cooperation will occur. What was the fall of Communism for? Was it simply so the USA could spread it's devilish wings as shadow drapped on a land which isn't Western in any of its cultural or sociological scope, but gets paid to lean west? First beer - half an Anthology Oatmeal Stout (5.2%) at 13:20. Followed 15 minutes later by an Anthology Marlborough (5.2%). How am I feeling? Grateful for the 50 years in which I've been interested. The slings and arrows, etc, etc. The smell of Cheddar for a Croque Monsieur/English derivative. But I've got to return to COW for a pair of Combat Pants, which was seriously short on buttons, and I never return. It's a one-way street to nowhere. I've a pack of seed trays and a 25l bag of seed compost in the sack: it's time to set off some tomatoes at the flat. Using the LED lights...

Time is a great healer. It has been said. The things in the mind of the past dissolve like entropic decay. They collapse into more remote or closed off sections of the presence. Sometimes they appear again, especially in dreams or, for me, when I am walking. They appear bright as day to punish me and kick me. It's always been a surreal experience for me the way I can be walking, walking, walking and suddenly a memory of what someone did or said to attack me becomes the focal point, clear as day, which punishes me again and again. It's like someone, somewhere, is thinking negative thoughts about me right then and they spontaneously pop up in my head there, adding fear and doubt into my actions: a question of what it all means occurs to me then and I want to scream. ... Give thanks for life. Be thankful. Pay attention and be grateful. Life is difficult, but it is always worth carrying the cross. The cross is light.

We must remember what happened all those years ago and why, if it occurs again, there will be nothing left but piles of corpses and tattered rags degenerating in the erosions of time. Whatever we are for, if indeed there is any meaning to anything we do, surely those memories of past brutality (which still occur all around us) can stop us being so utterly pointless? There is a vulture circling overhead on the border between east and west waiting to pounce on chaos and further rip it to shreads, laughing and screeching, in the gutter in which we could lie. But, no, this cannot be! Remember the past, don't turn your back on the hideous things we did (and are still doing). History is a lesson poorly learnt. So we stand at yet another crossroads. Where untruth is spoken and broadcast between nation and individuals, people, families, friends and in ourselves which must be seen for the calamity it could become. Remember what happened last time Europe, and the world, descended into rivalr...

Monday morning, 7 am. Clouds rushing from West to East with some breaks in the monotony. Yesterday afternoon monotonous. I waited all morning for an 'out of hours' visit to sort the leak on the cistern/toilet which couldn't be fixed by him because the problem is the outlet rusting. He will feedback to Leeds City Council. And he couldn't fix the over flowing issue because he wasn't called out for that... So basically he put some 'tape' around the outlet pipe which has prevented a leak so far, but when I told him I'd still need to turn off the mains to stop the overflow - I am on a water meter and it's a waste of water - he didn't understand why... At least he came out ... But it's his job and I bet he gets paid loads extra to be on standby over a weekend? I find the service provided by Leeds City Council numbing. It's so hard to get a friendly voice at the end of the phone and the people who visit are sullen: it took ages to get beyond his...

I almost fell off the wagon on Saturday evening, but I swerved around the collosal mistake by refusing to stay in busy, fit to bust, Leeds city centre. If I had gone to Belgrave after a half in North Bar I think I would've unwound all the good stuff from the trip up to Sutton Bank with Stephen Betts. It's fairly safe to say, I am almost 100% certain, that Lola hasn't been for an adventure quite like that ever? Down to Gormire Lake and up to the Cleveland Way she was a happy pupster bolting through leaf litter and a very sandy soil field. I love her whenever she seems so tickled that she goes on Vizsla spinnies! On the soft surface she seems totally unconcerned by her poorly foot and reclaims her youthful exuberance! And she was skill in the car too: quite happily laid behind the driver and passenger. We will do that again. *** Finally reported the leak from the toilet cistern with Leeds City Council out of hours emergency number: perhaps the issue can be resolved and I won...

So far so good. Lola, Stephen and I drove up to Sutton Bank walked down to Gormire Lake, went clockwise around it and climbed back up to the escarpment and continued along the Cleveland Way. My left foot spasmed on near the end: new boots first outing (hope it's not a sign of things to come)? Stephen had some issue with his left ankle: we're falling apart at the seams it seems. He needs to heal his heel and I need a new left foot to attach to my left leg! On the way back to Leeds for two nights, I've got to be at the flat for an induction about the new fire safety being installed in the block from the 21st. The forecast suggests tomorrow will be a right off weatherwise, but if there is an opportunity to walk in these new boots I'll try again. Scarpa Evo GTX. Had three pints of Wetherby Jet Black Porter and one bottle Orval yesterday at the brewery. Slept well. Stephen and I had a very weighty and tasty BEST bap from Tancred Farm near Whixley, Lola had two chipolata saus...

Lola took me up through Ainsty View to the back entrance to the allotment yesterday morning. We'd not been that way together in a while. She seemed uninterested in a long walk, and I wanted to spend some time at the allotment before meeting Ian and Andy at the Mews around 2pm, so I let her take me up through the ginnel between the Ainsty Co-op and Poplar Avenue. At the junction I gave her the option of going up Maple Drive or along Poplar Avenue towards Kings Meadow. It's been ages since we walked that way to where it's possible to join the Old Railway. After a little longer, heading towards the Bridge on Spofforth Hill, we were back at mum's little more than an hour later. After three pints with Ian and Andy, and a somewhat uncomfortable few moments not knowing if I'd offended Andy, I went and collected Merry Legs who brought me back to the Mews. After her being smothered in affection by all the people in the bar area I took her for a short walk up Hallfield Lane, ...

Wednesday was a physically demanding day. From walking Lola at 8:45 until 1615, when I returned with Finley from post-school adventure. Between 1 and 2:30 I drank two 3.6% beers while trying to hear what a friendly but very quiet man was saying. At 4:30 I was just in time for the X98 with its host of troublesome high school adolescents: savagely barbaric swarming on the top floor of the double decker. The times of the day when the bus has school kids on it should also have some form of 'monitor' just to reduce the chaos and disorder which follows the frantic teenagers. Hopping off the X98 at Oakwood I went for a couple of pinta to read South from Granada . Preston, part of the North Bar chain, always dims it's lights around 6 so I was stopped in my tracks. I decided to leave and get chips and curry sauce early. One pint was adequate: a healthy amount of beer! Back to the flat on the 13A, heading along Roundhay Road, Sheepscar interchange and North Street. Bed! Snoring until...

It's raining, but I don't care. I've a couple of sacks of early crop potatoes to sow on Wednesday - February for harvest July - and a sack of potting compost to make a real start with vegetables for planting come the spring, £8.50 from Wilkos at the bottom of Albion Street in Leeds. Begun to get the ball rolling with volunteering on weekends, and cutting back on nonsensical alcohol bingeing, I can help the Meanwood Valley Volunteer Rangers. Will see Andy at the Allotment on Wednesday too - I keep calling Jonathan Morton at Leeds City Council, but I've not got through to him yet, it's been months! *** Suddenly Wetherby is so boring. It's always felt like a one horse town, but I watched myself drinking a Belgian dark hot chocolate in BAE (£3) and thought 'banal'. There is only so much banality I can cope with and today, in the drizzle, was making suicide seem like a positive response! *** At 2pm I walked up Deighton Road to Mark Lane, passed Kirk Deighton ...

Lola had a poorly ear, £70. Mother has a poorly tooth, priceless, And I have an alcohol support session this afternoon, meaningless. Monday afternoon bus yo-yo The second bus since arriving back at my flat, very late, on Saturday night. Back to the same routine. The few days away in Andalucia were worthy, I suppose, but there is nothing permanent about it. Glenn turned on his laptop and groaned and I woke up at six and returned to podcast-land.