A rebel without a clue.

Just after 7am. Spoke to Shiney - Alcohol Counsellor - about being unable to come up with a Goal. What I supposed she meant as a Life Goal - giving meaning to my existence - she actually meant just for the next 2 weeks between sessions. So banal and trivial. I'm not bothered about the small picture I am concerned with the totality: unless i don't have another Existential Crisis. I've told myself that my 50th year will be a year of change or it will be my last. There is nothing beyond the 2nd February 2023 for me if this year is the same, personally, warts and all, than the previous 10 years since I descended into this pitiful state. Isn't it pointless seeing a person who is only concerned for my next two weeks when I am concerned about the next two decades? 

My problems have been solved because I have no problems. A loving father welcomes his wayward son with open arms the moment the son decides to return to him. The Prodigal son... It's early. Too early really to go to catch the X98 at 6:30am? Nah it's fine. The sun has risen so on with the day. Frustratingly I have Archie as  well as Lola this week, until Thursday, as his owners are in the office and can't walk him. Archie has a problem with the base of his spine and I can't let him go gallivanting. Lola doesn't gallivant so that's easy.

No alcohol in my bloodstream. I had the insect itch last night - which might've been a consequence of working in mud most of the day... A quick flannel wash sent me to sleep surrounded by the pulsating of the heating, always on to keep mother warm next to the radiator, and the voices, music and general electrical energy pouring out of her TV screen from dawn until late. The end of my life will not be so final... Donc translates into 'so' from the French, an 'um' word, one which is like a pause, ('actually' being a current expression said too often). The German language has one would which is said pointlessly too, but I forgot it currently - it's just on the tip of my tongue (anyway)!