A rebel without a clue.

If only I knew how to break out of this persona I have become. I know it follows some very repetitively bland pulses and rhythms. Everyday seems to be about getting up just to get back into bed again that same day or even in a wider scope just like living each day just towards some final longed for moment. This isn’t good I can see that, but why can’t I shrug off that feeling and the demented persistent bashing of my head I currently maintain? I follow the same never ending paths that actually lead me nowhere. I will get up tomorrow walk the dog, get on the bus, get to the flat in Leeds, change clothes, take my pills, look at the mess in the living room, feel the coldness of the emptiness of the flat, smell the fetid and rank stale odours, etc. To find there aren’t any jobs but there is yet more manufactured bad news; then I'll haul back to Wetherby, along the same bus route I have been using since 1983, after no one has spoken to me all day, while trying not to spend any money w...

I started with such eagerness and gusto and I worked with belief. I was organized, worked all day and had to multitask constantly. I was really very happy. Indeed it was the happiest time of my working life and it lasted 4 months. I started my working life in 1995. Just said 'Happy Christmas' to Ash from the Nation. Far out! For persons who don't care tomorrow is a day to get over the hangover of today. For those who care... Who cares? Where did it all go wrong and why does all my effort suddenly feel like it means nothing? I couldn't care less or be suddenly confused and walled in-up. Am I glimpsing insanity or something else. It certainly feels overwhelmingly depressing or like weight from a subtle increase in the earths gravity. Snoops is absolutely worn out. Is that his sudden demise too? Is he suffering with something in silence? He makes no complaints if he is. I would hope he would whimper or look different. He just looks shattered. Even talks of 'whe...

I've been motivated since my arrival back in Wetherby, but I feel pretty crap physically today. I think it is amazing the amount of adrendelin I must've used in the past week since I frantically camped in Opatija and got back to the Wetherby from Trieste on Sunday afternoon/evening. I need to catch up with folks and properly float back into Wetherby. I am happy to be here actually. Makes a change to feel I can work locally and chill out without that thing I try to find in the places I've worked recently. I've been active on the job front and have already got an interview on Friday. I saw Franco at Sant' Angelo yesterday, but I had a deaf ear and I look a little ragged with my wispy thinning hair. I explained I'd had a tough time getting back home so excuse my appearence. I think it went well and I hope I can work there into the New Year and beyond; the amount that can be learnt from Italian chef must be huge. I've actually made only Italian style food si...