A rebel without a clue.

Where exactly is the bottom of depression(or the bottom of destitution)? Is it there a point where the rational exits entirely? Where logic breaks into too many fragments to be wholed or collected up again: like a smashed glass... Nervously I twitch at the hem of my coat. Pulling our creases forever and brushing off a dust which is out of my control. I now know I have no control over anything. Have I any free will? Freedom is perhaps such an illusion in a body I'm trapped in and a mind continually blinking. Last night I was aware of a pain. A ticklish pain in my right big toe. During mediation it occurred. As I lay there breathing in I directed my mindfulness into that section of the body as if to winkle it off, force it to abstain, cease ... it came in cycles. As many factors in the body seem to do. A timing mechanism. Something was happening in the nerves down there and I was helpless. Antidepressants. The mild feeling of a MDMA rush assailed my body and instantly I felt nause...

My focus is pretty bad this morning. It feels like the cataract on my right eye is spreading vulgar. Perhaps that is why I was feeling unsteady on my pins in York on Wednesday? I couldn't fathom why my coordination was so shot and I stumbled more or less everywhere I walked. And this was prior to the afternoon session! *** Couldn't get the antidepressants from the Boots in Wetherby or in Leeds - is it trying to tell me something? Perhaps beginning on Vitamin D once more and B12... Which I've fallen out of the habit of taking... Lola slept by my side on her bed until after she needed to go to the toilet at 5. Back to bed until 6:10 and breakfast at 7. She's asleep once more as I listen to an unconvincing podcast about climate change verses weather events. I am sceptical of all the statistics in such a short time in recorded human history. *** After a wet morning on Saturday in Harrogate I dropped Lola back with my mum and headed back to Leeds on the Sky Class X98 to hook...

To take the edge off To make the ends smooth To rake away the pain To toss into the wind And bring a calm truth It's a beer! But it shouldn't appear While the other invades; Being host of my loathing, Forgotten ways; afraid to tread. Must there be reason? A tragedy already played.