A rebel without a clue.

And I am off to bed  To sleep alone Uninhabited, Apart from snores; And of snores I wish could repent. Those noises I cannot bear. Amongst her toes, I dare not touch, Is a space; beautiful, Which I dearly love! Appreciating what was full, But alas no more. But who am I to speak? In bad styles of no importance  Except when she's watching Between a few sounds real? So let those snores of hers Silence me And let her twitching toes Unravel me She's the finest I know.

Tuesday begins with a Lola package alongside me.  I dog sat her on Monday, while mother had a day in Harrogate (who I think needed a break from the seat opposite the TV) Lola had my undivided attention from 9am until I went to bed. Lola joined me a little later. I had an hour to myself from 11 and once more while mother resettled herself opposite the TV. It's 6am. ... Leaving Wetherby on the number 7. Which goes through Thorp Arch TE at this hour. Arriving in Boston Spa around 7:30am.  I considered the allotment this morning, but it's dank and wet so far so fuck it. ... Why do we constantly look back to a 'golden age' and hope to recreate it now? Why can't we see now? Why do we fixate on the past leading to a future when all there ever is is now? The power of now. If only it could be stepped into now now now ... I am planning to go to London on Friday - in the future, but I might die now. The end is always current. It is always now? When I am on the Camino I am now ...

Monday morning. IOT Cicero. Black beans in a pan. Been up and hour. But something is missing in me this morning... On Thursday I saw a reflection of the world outside on the curtains - like the back of the cave in Plato's allegory A fairly productive day. Reading reading reading. And not drinking drinking drinking. I finished with a Oatmilk Latte in Caffé Nero (which was a freebie) while the weather cleared away. It was a very blustery and wet day after I returned with Lola from the morning walk up to Deighton Bar. I returned the other volume of the series about Penelope while waiting for the bus back to Leeds (number 7 once more) to the Wetherby library. I am beginning to feel lonely though. I've rarely seen Lola since I noticed her injury to her poorly foot as mum wants to restrict her movements prior to returning to the vets to see what the problem actually is - she's on some prescription currently to reduce her anxiety and potentially some antibiotics? The love of my li...

First day done of dog sitting for Ruby. We had a lovely morning walking from Plumpton Rocks to Knaresborough and then through Starbeck to Harrogate, were we had an hour before catching the bus back around 1pm. Ruby ate her dinner, as did I, and we hardly moved afterwards... Second day included Lola on a walk to Collingham, alongside the river and back via the golf course. We had a short break for a coffee and some doggy biscuits in Apotheco. Later I managed to read three chapters as I digested three halves of stout(one BD and two Guinness) after I'd taken Ruby for a second meander (down to the river and back) and fed her hungry body. I ate the shepherds pie with the processed maize kernels. Proper grits... I only had to cook thrice before they became soft!? Maybe it's an alkali and time which serves? Day three ... Oh bugger. 5 pints and a disturbed night. but I am nearly at the end of day four. It's cold. A deep frost. I've been with Lola all day and she has some tender...

How do I get my life away from the track it is on: towards my self-destruction. The shortening of my potential into a vacuum of self abuse which is built on whimsical ideals, of no real substance, because I appear to suffer too much to be alone. Humans are social creatures, and that's a fact which my genes, and my behaviour in culture is tied together within a façade I am compelled to, always, display: which is bollocks? 8 weeks until Epiphany and I've got to be somewhere on this day. A new adventure which isn't dictated by the yo-yoing, to-ing and fro-ing. I came back to the flat. I picked up the book I'd left at BrewDog and came direct across Lovell Park to the Grange. Made a Malaysian curry with some urid daal as a side plate. It's a Tuesday. Can I do a third day off alcohol? Oh please. It will feel like such an accomplishment which is a truly bizarre feeling. Am so far away from sobriety. I am who I am. Do I need an official diagnosis to keep me trapped here doi...

Just returned from a meander with Lola up to Ashdale Lane and The Copse, back along Quarry Hill Lane and Crossley Street. On York Road Lola found half an uneaten pizza. And on Quarry Hill Lane I collected a couple of cooking apples from a plastic bag outside someone's house... Then I made lunch: pork sausages, apple sauce, mash potato, onion gravy and broad beans. Mum actually liked my food. Then I went for a lay down, but Lola was having none of it so we walked up St James's Street to the Ginnel, up Prospect View and the Quarry, along Raby, and onto The Ings for a bit of 'find the fish' in amongst the fallen leaves. Then Lola demanded I spend the rest of the afternoon by her side, which I was compelled to, until Finley took my place and I started to read Ithaca by Claire North  on my bed while struggling to keep warm! The burn on my right hand was also distracting me, but I asked my sister, once she'd arrived, if she had any Savlon...  Which did help reduce the in...

Breakfast. Twice fried fries, two sliced - lengthwise - Addyman's traditional sausages, capers, garlic, olive oil, pepper... a banana, pills for me nerves and a glass of Vichy Catalan! Monday got off to a bang?!? Yesterday I began 'taping' the seams on the Flecktarn after I'd sealed with a bonding adhesive. It may work to keep me dry? As a first attempt I was slightly off on the tape in areas and quickly ran out of the roll(5 metres didn't cover it?)... Three hours on the allotment, into town for a 'coffee' break(matcha latte) and a few chapters of a short novella. Just put mum's old phone on eBay. Had a good meditation session after lunch. Heading back to Leeds shortly. *** And I didn't go for a pint. First time in ages I haven't just 'popped in' for a half which then duplicates itself across the evening sky... *** Tuesday. Awake early. The clocks have fallen back, but I am still awake at '5am'. I am maladjusted. But it's OK....

Tuesday morning, 5:15am. Slept well, but stretched awake at 5am. I'd just toss and turn, which is pointless, so got up. Coffee brewing. Ruby decided that the bed was her final resting place after she'd gone outside for a barking session around midnight. Whatever it was she chased it into the night... 6am. Sunrise isn't until 7:45. Lola's at my sister's. Ruby's just had her breakfast. Desperate. Now asleep besides me... Put the dishes away and going to run a bath. There must be more I can do in the morning? Podcast finished. Coffee drunk... Now heading to the toilet. Lola seems distant. And I don't know if I am projecting that on her? She had a good morning with Ruby and I spent time with her alone too. She's passing through this life faster than I am and I hope she's enjoyed it? *** A nice morning up to the Copse, behind King's Meadow, where I sat in the sunshine with them both (while they mainly enjoyed the fresh wheat grass) and came back to Ch...

To live true and not doubt being oneself from every point in life. To trust that there is a higher level of Being which can be achieved and never question its means of taking me onwards. *** The day in-between. It's Saturday. And I have a focus. Not the blinded Thursday. Or the troubled Friday. When will I learn? When will I change? But our session was good in the morning of  Occupational Therapy... bonafide? Two days porridge. First you boil a kettle, then you soak the oats overnight in the boiled water, then you chuck in any amount of fruit, spices, etc., then you bring to the creamy simmer. Then you eat still warm, but not scoldingly hot alongside brewed coffee and then you switch off the podcast and turn to the journal before facing the door and the day. *** Leaving Leeds Station in the predawn; it was raining as I left Lovell Park Grange to walk down Albion Street to New Station Street and the main entrance to the Station: Manchester here I come; I hope it lives up to the hype...

Autumn has arrived. The rain is here. It's gray, dark and very somber. It's what it is. Apparently for a couple of weeks. Ruby's family have picked a great two weeks to not be here? Ruby is not keen on leaving her seat. And I can't hold it against her. 14 days from today I am ensconced up on Chestnut Avenue, which is a million times better than being ledged on the 11th floor of Lovell Park Grange?  *** Tuesday. The rain didn't hang on in Wetherby, luckily? And we did get a second walk. I took Lola food to mum's and then took Ruby through town. Another good hour. Her body language was mainly tired after Sunday's biggie. Back to normal this morning I suppose. And Lola too. I am hoping we have a sunny afternoon so I can look at the allotment... Which might get neglected once more now I have Ruby. *** Wednesday morning, I've settled in. Had a bath prior to bed. Ate a noodle soup at lunch and a pile of beans for tea. Ruby had a long morning with me and Lola. ...

I have to try and get out of the pit I have fallen into once more. Day one. Monday 29th July. Calm. Peaceful. No anger. No anxiety! Out the door once more. 6:20am. 6am day 5. Day 4 I had one too many in the sunshine. Day off Wetherby, until later. Allotment Saturday morning. Did a lot around mum's. Took Venlafaxine and turned in. Looking outside the patio door at the trimming I did on the chair. Clearing the heavy vine away: Clematis. Enjoying a coffee. It's a little cloudy with a breeze. Going to collect Lola around 8. Emma's working over the weekend. All will be well... Woozy night, stomach ache and a migraine. Changing medication. *** On the X99 this morning. Woke up at 4, rolled over until ten to 5. Had a bath and headed down to Boar Lane. 6:55am. *** Left the flat around 8am. Went to Caffé Nero before catching the bus up to the Woodhouse Medical Centre (it wasn't far) and I was an hour early, so I read a few chapters and relaxed in an armchair. Appointment at 10:10...

Things change. All things are constantly changing. As the dawn breaks (which it never does) over the day I am reminded no two moments are truly connected. Our perception links thinks together in what is seen as a gradual movement. Even evolution relies on mutation, which must be constant - if negligible - in our perceptional sense. The universe is changing constantly. *** I am a pilgrim. The penny dropped this morning. I was listening to an episode of In Our Time, the subject Medieval pilgrimage, and I saw that I am a modern day pilgrim. There is a spirit of pilgrimage which awoke in me when I first left Le Puy in May 2013. *** Two weeks since I left Limoges for Cahors. Only two weeks. It always seems forever when I am on el Camino. Yesterday I volunteered to help at the Practical Pilgrims Day in Manchester with Ultreia Mancunia on the 12th October which doing would give me a pilgrimage focus even when I am not on one? I feel I can give advice and support and anything else that might b...

I've reached my original destination. The lovely Condom in the rain - a soiled prophylactic. A wet Sunday afternoon in France in September... And I didn't get here in time for a Sunday lunch. But I've a demi Fischer and saucisson sec in the bar on the main square... And I am not drinking today? Laurent(Gîte le Relais Saint Jacques) is my host this evening - a non- communal/municipal/parish gîte. Private with a large and comfortable looking bed in the dormitory. Last night's bed was too short, with a very hard pillow and a haunting presence... It is done. I've got further than Cahors, on the GR65, at the second time of trying. To be honest the landscape after the Causses was very boring (maize, sunflowers, sorghum), muddy and up and down. It's a way, but it's just a little arbitrary at times as it connects 'interesting' places with nothing (and often not direct from a to b). Yesterday we were going south west then directly north to La Romieu... Which ...