thoughts come and go, thinking of Michelangelo

Tuesday begins with a Lola package alongside me. 

I dog sat her on Monday, while mother had a day in Harrogate (who I think needed a break from the seat opposite the TV)

Lola had my undivided attention from 9am until I went to bed. Lola joined me a little later.

I had an hour to myself from 11 and once more while mother resettled herself opposite the TV. It's 6am.

...

Leaving Wetherby on the number 7. Which goes through Thorp Arch TE at this hour. Arriving in Boston Spa around 7:30am. 

I considered the allotment this morning, but it's dank and wet so far so fuck it.

...

Why do we constantly look back to a 'golden age' and hope to recreate it now? Why can't we see now? Why do we fixate on the past leading to a future when all there ever is is now? The power of now. If only it could be stepped into now now now ... I am planning to go to London on Friday - in the future, but I might die now. The end is always current. It is always now? When I am on the Camino I am now quiet often, but not always. I've stepped into the stream of now and been blown away by the beauty of it. And I sorely miss it! I must be more now! When I meditate I can be more now, but I don't always succeed in that activity when my mind is going everywhere. I know I am aware of the mind going everywhere, but I can't always stop it's relentlessness...

***

Thursday.

Heading up to Middleton to get this left foot middle toe investigated as I believe something has been in there as a foreign body since the summer and walking in sandals... I thought it had fallen out, but it appears to be on the joint area where the two toes rub. It's a separate cause for concern other than the Morton's Neuroma...

***

Oh Lola! Is this the end? Or simply another stage of you beautiful life, lass? Please recover from the operation and live to be a true greyface... Without you my heart will bleed and my mind will deplete.

Middleton - waste of time and money(£4). LGI waste of time. Saint James's good: I have a new prescription for short and long sightedness. The toe hurts though - virtually constantly! 

Bath this morning. Clean up the flat and vacant the flat for a while to support Lola's recovery this afternoon, etc.

***

A quarter to eight on Saturday morning. I left Lola around 7:15 with grandma after a good quiet night together - although she's yet to go for her morning toilet break. I am in Costa. I have a Bounty Celebration from the Downs lad who is a local here. I rarely come to Costa as their pastries are atrocious, but Caffé Nero wasn't open yet.

***

Sunday afternoon. Tired. On the bus back to the flat. I left a happier Lola perched on the window sill waiting for mum to get back from her Christmas meal with the clan. Day off tomorrow. Got the MRI at 8am and then doing zero. Back to look after Lola on Tuesday. She's having a replacement bandage put on the foot. She's definitely got used to hopping on only one leg. Amazing really. Up and down the stairs without a problem. It's obviously very tender as she won't let you go near it. And she won't go for a toilet break. In activity does make a dog constipated...

... Slept well. Washed some stuff, but the washing machine is beginning to creak... Is it nearing the end of it's natural lift? It being 10 next year... I can't afford carpets, I can't afford washing machines... I can't afford life?

***

I was innocent once. Very naive I was told and gullible. True I now see as I get bitterer and bitterer. And unhappier. The world I cannot control and only a fraction of Being seems to be mine to decide. To be or not to be? I have no option as I have been conditioned. 6am time to run a bath... Oh the pathos.