journal entries 11th to 17th November.

How do I get my life away from the track it is on: towards my self-destruction. The shortening of my potential into a vacuum of self abuse which is built on whimsical ideals, of no real substance, because I appear to suffer too much to be alone. Humans are social creatures, and that's a fact which my genes, and my behaviour in culture is tied together within a façade I am compelled to, always, display: which is bollocks?

8 weeks until Epiphany and I've got to be somewhere on this day. A new adventure which isn't dictated by the yo-yoing, to-ing and fro-ing.

I came back to the flat. I picked up the book I'd left at BrewDog and came direct across Lovell Park to the Grange. Made a Malaysian curry with some urid daal as a side plate.

It's a Tuesday. Can I do a third day off alcohol? Oh please. It will feel like such an accomplishment which is a truly bizarre feeling. Am so far away from sobriety.

I am who I am. Do I need an official diagnosis to keep me trapped here doing nothing?

Went to Wetherby, walked Lola for around an hour, picked up the second part of my prescription and bumped into Andy who I'd not seen for 2 weeks. He was briefly at the allotment after me. Back to Leeds on the X99. I have to return the book I borrowed, pick up the next one I reserved at the Central Library and get some bits for the flat.

It's a bit cloudy this morning and I really didn't feel like two days on the allotment. I've some pain around the sides of back which I guess is a muscle strain as it only hurts when I am moving?

Book returned and I read a few more chapters of Equiano's Travels which is excellent because it is a revelation for me. I expected it to sound outdated, or something, but it is an interesting memoir in all it's glory and pathos.

I had a good coffee at the tiled hall and then went for a walk in Holbeck, via Whitehall Road, Leeds Liverpool Canal and Water Lane around noon. I visited the Grove, the Tetley, WCH, Brownhill&co and The Social before I arrived back at the flat to make the massaman curry.

***

Wednesday morning and I have to spend an entire day away from my love: Lola, as mother has an Airbnb guest until Thursday morning. I've a little over two chapters remaining of Equiano's Travels and then I've the second book in the story of Ithaca/Penelope/Telemachus: The House of Odysseus.

Was going to take a bag of old clothes to charity this morning, read the remaining chapters of Equiano's Travels and take it easy, but I failed. Am washing my bedding too. Re-hydrating basmati rice and wheat berries for lunchtime. No alcohol. Only 4 pints yesterday. For which I paid for only 3.

Nearly 5pm. Got back around 2:30pm. Walked a lot. Had four halves and a third. Made another massaman with sardines. It was nice, even if I over did the rice... Oh well. Unnecessary soaking I guess and too much water. Washed up. Put fresh linen on the bed. Going to sleep soundly? Potentially. But I live surrounded by the arterial roads where the sounds of the sirens, dog barking and fireworks brings me out of my deepest slumbers...

Tomorrow Lola. Yes!

***

Thursday.

Well this is interesting? Day five of sobriety. Yes I have had a half and a chapter on Tuesday and Wednesday, but that was all. I didn't disappear down the rabbit hole or out the spout with mindless chatter inside my head of all the stupid things I've done. Long may it continue.

***

Friday.

And it did. I returned to Leeds on the 2pm bus, which I caught from Wetherby bus station. Then I went to Brwnhll&C for a half, then Tony paid me a day early. Then I had two halves in WhtLks and one in TrksHd. Then I went to FoH for a half. Then Bankers 'Crap' for a half. And then Bundobust for a half and a bowl of sumptuous sprouted mung bean salad. And then a half and a wonderful Margherita pizza in Tppd. And then shared a half of a 25cl Hardy Ale in NB and came home. I was back by just gone 7pm. I went to bed and slept well until 5am.

This morning I've 'processed' the corn kernels with the Calcium Hydroxide to see if I can successfully manufacture Hominy? And washed my other duvet cover (the one I use to cover the sofa). I've run a bath, paid all my bills, had a banana and taken all my medicine. I've also enjoyed the episode of In Our Time.

No hangover. None since Sunday...

Self contained means contained.

Am I not allowed to be happy?

And what is it that is missing in me which stops me feeling complete?

It's the environment! In the surgery... It's too clinical!

Two short walks with Lola either side of making another massaman, with chicken thighs, enough for mother tomorrow too. First meat this week. Lola's happy between my legs resting her lovely brown eyes...

I was an unwanted child... Lola needs me so I feel much more complete with her alongside me, yet she is not always with me. Then I feel lost and alone without a route out of the maze of my misery?

***

Saturday morning. Lola wants me to turn off the Podcast and be silent. She's had her breakfast around 6. She wasn't quite pawing me, but I got the message...

And I don't think I woke mother up. We came down at 5am and I haven't been to the loo yet - I stepped outside with Lola when she went for her post breakfast latrine and utinated on the grass.

I can hear Lola breathing, in her relaxed state, and the fizz of the potatoes I am frying for breakfast... A car left Braine Road as the wind increases on this unseasonably warm morning.

A nice walk to Losh Pot Lane via Carr Lane and Sandbeck, behind the services on the A1, with Lola. We've not been 'out' for a while. Although she's older, and I go on less long walks, I know she appreciates a little variety on our days together...

Had a matcha latte in BAE before catching the number 8 to get to Harrogate slowly to meet up with Glenn. And have too many beers! But it's ok. It was the only one this week. And none today as I get myself together for Ruby from Monday... Such a shame it's only 3 days and 7, but it's a change of scenery for me too as I have been at the flat too often this week...

***

Sunday was a good day. Came to Wetherby, ate the remainder of the chicken massaman, had a good hour meditating and then went to the allotment. Brought back all the corn and all the bean pods and collected bread for the three days at Ruby's. Had a matcha latte am and an espresso pm. Made refried beans with the crop of fresh runner beans (also known as butter beans) with one rasher of bacon, two slices of corned beef, one large tomato and a lot of black pepper. No Lola - it was a Lola free zone. Read two or three chapters in the morning and three before retiring. Heard nothing until I awoke naturally at 5am.