currently diary July/August

I have to try and get out of the pit I have fallen into once more.

Day one. Monday 29th July. Calm. Peaceful. No anger. No anxiety!

Out the door once more. 6:20am.

6am day 5. Day 4 I had one too many in the sunshine. Day off Wetherby, until later. Allotment Saturday morning.

Did a lot around mum's. Took Venlafaxine and turned in. Looking outside the patio door at the trimming I did on the chair. Clearing the heavy vine away: Clematis. Enjoying a coffee. It's a little cloudy with a breeze. Going to collect Lola around 8. Emma's working over the weekend.

All will be well...

Woozy night, stomach ache and a migraine. Changing medication.

***

On the X99 this morning. Woke up at 4, rolled over until ten to 5. Had a bath and headed down to Boar Lane. 6:55am.

***

Left the flat around 8am. Went to Caffé Nero before catching the bus up to the Woodhouse Medical Centre (it wasn't far) and I was an hour early, so I read a few chapters and relaxed in an armchair. Appointment at 10:10. Got insoles and have to return for an ultrasound later in the autumn?

***

Went for a walk using the insoles that I was given me by Leeds podiatry service, but they didn't solve the problem. After 2 hours from Ripon I was forced to find the main road and hop on the 36 back towards Leeds, via Harrogate.

Not slept well, but I was not drunk! I am sure I wasn't drunk. I haven't got a hangover... Just sleep deprived. Usual. But I've not had a 'drink' since last Saturday so I guess drinking yesterday is still an improvement?

The sun is shining. Been recollecting all the recent pilgrimages I've set out on and they've been excellent really. Especially the one from Faro and the one from Porto...

Walking from Ripon was interesting until the old war wound flared up. I really hoped to reach Ripley before catching the bus, but it wasn't to be.

This problem with my foot really got bad prior to reaching Segovia two years ago... I recall how difficult the final 10 kilometres were after I'd crossed the sistema central (Sierra de Guadarrama), using the Roman road, when I couldn't walk...

I told Glenn I was really pissed off about the issue with my foot, but why? When there is literally nothing I can do? It's an injury. Perhaps I over did it that very long, and difficult, day back in 2022 or something coming down to St Chely from Nasbinals? When I was forced to hitch once more and miss out Saint Côme d'Olt for the second time in my life...

Memories. Does it all come down to memories? Too many bad ones and not enough good ones? But they don't exist in the now so why do I cling to them? In hope?

And it is time to make new memories... If I can no longer walk el Camino due to this problem in my left foot (which may require an operation) I must find a new way! Last night I began to think my life is over ...

***

New memories. I have to forget those which cause me pain. With barriers pretending to be wind chimes, as the wind rattles them, outside Pret a Manger on Albion Place. 99 pence filter coffee.

This morning I am going to see Joe at the Unitarian Chapel, in City Square, to listen to his chimes.

The comings and goings of early birds, pigeons and some angry man flaming across Lovell Park on his phone to his 'other half' I do believe. Don't dance her down?

***

A good day yesterday. Actually read in the front room for a couple of hours prior to crawling into a freshly laundered bed. Ate healthily. Hung about Leeds in the fleeting sunshine, on the breeze, until I brought myself back to the flat. Felt loneliness... But it passed. After lunch I meditated an hour and a half.

Be kind to strangers. I've become terribly judgemental.

Why aren't I able to enjoy life? What is this mote in my mind that blocks the light?

Ten years ago I was definitely considering ending my life. And now I don't know if the same consideration has returned to me? The general feeling of apathy won't leave me. Living for what exactly? Yes I've seen It's a Wonderful Life and I know I've aspects of existence which lift me up, but they don't seem to lift me high enough...

***

Sunday morning. 25th August.

A blip. I got drunk? I don't think I did. But I threw up in the night. I had cold sweats too. There was some bass noise somewhere outside in Leeds too which was almost akin to my heart beat. I stayed out as the sun poured into The Brunswick. I went for one, which turned into three. It was quiet there and Mollie was back from her holiday in Scotland. She's a lovely girl and a very calm dog. She loves the pub and the people. She's nine. Lola's nine, but so different/difficult... Although we had a nice two hours walking from eight yesterday. Before I poured myself back to Leeds and beer. It was sunny. It's a bank holiday. I didn't want to sit in my flat alone!

On Thursday I had an injection in the area of my left foot where the pain is. Hopefully I can return to walking without the fear of the agony... I didn't have to wait until the autumn.

***

Bank Holiday Monday. 26th August.

Slept alongside Lola again - which I cherish - and awoke at 6am. Slight headache during the night... Went to Harrogate with Jason to see Nick for a few hours. Drank various soft drinks, and a half a blonde beer, but didn't enjoy it...

***

Tuesday 27th August.

Yes I've an injury to my left foot which will not go away, but I've seen disabled people cope with so much more than an able bodied individual and still smile... I am getting this problem out of prospect? It is depressing me, however, and I know that getting older can be pretty depressing, when virility declines and diseases are easier to catch and harder to shake off, but I've simply got to get used to it. Humans get used to so many obstacles and overcome them. And I have to overcome alcoholism... Day three once more.

The Sun is shining through the clouds as the world returns to normality after the noisy bank holiday weekend. Dogs barking, buses revving, trucks reversing and cars vrooming.

***

Wednesday 28th August.

Raining as I swept back the curtains. But now clearing away as the sun breaks through the clouds in the east. Birds chatter and traffic noises increase along North Street and arterial roads.

A good night's sleep. Went to Tapped at 2pm for a couple of pints of a low abv session beer and a very good Pizza Margherita(£11) and meandered back reaching the flat around 5. Made a very tasty omelette with the chard I brought back from the allotment, onions, Chinese mushrooms in a Szechwan sauce and a can of marrow fat peas I poured three whisked eggs on top, replaced the lid and steamed the omelette... Salt and pepper to taste. Lovely.

I am not a slave to time.

Lovely Lola this morning. Did quite a bit of weeding and sorting out tomato plants on the allotment yesterday. No allotment this morning, but potentially on Thursday. Andy and Ian are going to the Mews at 2pm so I could join them for an hour or so. Although I don't like anything about the Mews anymore. The beer is crap and the naff 1980s music is worse! It's rubbish!

***

Thursday 29th August.

And it doesn't matter.

I met up with Andy and Ian at 2. Returned around 5:30pm. Had five pints of low abv. It was nice to see them. It's nice to be with people... We sat outside. Ian's ex joined us too.

Pay day today. All debts cleared. Applied for a Budgeting Loan to assist with these two weeks away from Sunday... I've got to get somewhere on the Monday. Back to Cahors. Then a good 10 days moving forward. If the foot injury says no-no then I'll find another way.

Had Lola by my side once more as Emma has returned from the blessed Leeds Festival with COVID... It's all good as I can go out with her somewhere special? It'll be the last time for a while? Unless I see her on Sunday... I hope to leave from Wetherby on Sunday. I'd like to have one solid day on the allotment prior to departure - Saturday.

Friday 30th August.

And it doesn't matter. Quality matters. Trying to do my best matters. Even if my best is not good enough? Good enough to whom? The billion voices screaming 'I want it so'. I've been domesticated! Just considering what has happened to us throughout the years. I must return to my essence. As much as I can in the remaining time.

Yesterday I made Hominy. It was successful. How lovely it is and nutritional.

It's 6am. Slept well until some point when I was really awake. I looked out the curtained window at the sickle moon, noticed very few vehicles on North Street and returned to bed and another episode of dreamy sleep.

But am I still dreaming? A stretching car suggests I am!

Getting it together before I depart the flat around 8am. But I am not a slave to time. Which means time is my slave... It's a salve to save me? A creme to cleanse me. A poultice to purify me.

I don't understand any in the world, but is there anything that can be understood about such insane perception?

***

Saturday 30th August.

Going to Seacroft to visit the alcohol counselor is pretty pointless. The effort to climb onto those buses which go into the hell holes of the huge council estate which lingers like a poisonous snake coiled around the high moor to the east of Leeds. A good 3 hours of my life going there, having the appointment with a very absent minded(tired) counselor and then returning with the crud, on the bus, which is found at the bottom of the birdcage ... But they don't know do they? They have literally zero clue. This world is seriously flawed. It's insane.

***

Sunday 1st September.

Booked accommodation. Checked in on the Ryanair app. Next I'll need to work out my way back to Cahors. Flixbus leaves at 5:35am and I am very close to the Gare Routière in Limoges. It gets to Cahors around 8:30am...

Saturday was a great day from beginning to end. Lovely morning with Lola and a lovely afternoon in the sunshine in Wetherby. Mum gave me £100 out of nowhere so I ate at Mango on Bank Street in Wetherby. It's the first time. Gujarati vegetarian. Lovely. Got back at 7:30. Straight to bed. Drank a lot of water during the afternoon so I pissed a lot out prior to falling into a deep sleep. It's cloudy this morning. No two instances are ever the same ... Especially England's weather?!