journal entries 28th to 3rd November.

Breakfast. Twice fried fries, two sliced - lengthwise - Addyman's traditional sausages, capers, garlic, olive oil, pepper... a banana, pills for me nerves and a glass of Vichy Catalan! Monday got off to a bang?!?

Yesterday I began 'taping' the seams on the Flecktarn after I'd sealed with a bonding adhesive. It may work to keep me dry? As a first attempt I was slightly off on the tape in areas and quickly ran out of the roll(5 metres didn't cover it?)...

Three hours on the allotment, into town for a 'coffee' break(matcha latte) and a few chapters of a short novella. Just put mum's old phone on eBay. Had a good meditation session after lunch. Heading back to Leeds shortly.

***

And I didn't go for a pint. First time in ages I haven't just 'popped in' for a half which then duplicates itself across the evening sky...

***

Tuesday.

Awake early. The clocks have fallen back, but I am still awake at '5am'. I am maladjusted. But it's OK. It wasn't noisy around the flat, and I slept well. Met a joyful springer spaniel who lives in the houses below the flat.

Made refried beans for tonight. Rehydrating some broad beans which I want to sprout to see if they are viable. Washed my heavy dressing gown, but the washing machine appears to be groaning. Running a bath. It's 6:15am.

***

I came I saw I left. I collected my prescription, 10 tablets short, after walking up to my sleeping sister to collect merry legs(Lola) so mum could take her up to Auntie Wendy's. Trying to plan something for tomorrow, but Emma gets annoyed that I am being to pushy, mum also tetchy, and the female assistant in Boots, and the female bus driver who had been at work since 3am (which sounded dangerous): must be the season of the witch? I left Wetherby to its discontent!

Brief walk along the Stray to Waitrose, a half in Starling, a burrito in Paradise and just in time for the 36 - I was about to catch the train, but each time I tried the price went up so I decided I was being directed back to Leeds via Harewood (where we broke down on Saturday filled to the rafters with the Alwoodley massive) on the bus. This bus is silent, but the Germans at the front are not. Ja, das ist gut?

Half at Brunswick. The sun is shining down North Street. Zapato Oro UPA. 3.4%

Three halves in Whitelocks. Mild, stout and porter. Ready to return? Probably.

Another half then through the torrents of the undead walking down from Merrion to Albion and beyond.

A bowl of refried beans with a onion and capsicum salad.

***

A breakfast of refried beans and the above salad then down to Boar Lane for a coffee. I missed the X98 so hung about on the Albion Street junction in the odd autumnal warmth... Which seems to be about to continue into November.

Two walks with Lola. A nice hour down on The Ings and then another half an hour walking through Wetherby and back via The Ginnel and Sandringham Park before she came back to 42 and waited 'patiently' for her dinner at 2pm(which is an hour later in her understanding). Then I went to meet up with Ian and Andy, and Merlin and Christine. Then I came back made a pasta dinner and retired. Four pints from 2 until 5. Two days off again as I am meeting up with Glenn on Saturday... Unless I go up to the Dales instead on Sunday from Wetherby?

Or something else... I've occupational health in the morning. Then I am free for the weekend. I appear to have come back to a form of sanity in this insane world. Vitamin supplements... D and iron with the antidepressants... I feel like a new man.

Mum put a new Paramó Halkon on her card(£320) which I have until the end of January to pay off. It's XL, and I am more M/L, but beggars can't be choosers? And I know I will be dry now... No hoping once the storms return? I guess that those storms in the Med are heading our way? Although they are a rare event coming west from Italy. And they may just vanish into the Atlantic?

Yesterday I booked a flight to Faro,  because it was £23, but I could find no way back for less than 200€ so it's impossible, unless I came back to the UK via Santiago (Stansted) which would be too expensive. Then I received a call telling me I've got an appointment on Tuesday at the Nuffield health centre behind the LGI in Leeds so no sweat about Portugal. It's not going anywhere. There is December...

Every day is unique

Every being is unique

No two moments are the same

No two heartbeats are repeated

To be open to the possibilities

You have to free your mind

Be true today

And not to be afraid?

***

First day since Saturday when I fell off the waggon... I had been keeping a record of the days I didn't 'drink' and then I deleted it from my phone and low-and-behold I drank. But I didn't go mental, but I don't need it.

It's Friday and I've the occupational therapy meeting at 9. Then allotment l.

***

Lola was terrified yesterday by the sound of a crow scarer going off near the race course. She was shaking. It was the flight response and it took her nearly half the walk to finally be herself again. It was awful to witness and bonfire night is just around the corner...

1st of November, All Saints Day. But where are the autumn storms... Last year they kicked off around now and continued until March without a pause, but no two moments are the same.

***

So I fulfilled my own prophecy... 

Core Beliefs

I am never going to fit in

Other people are my enemies

The world is impenetrable.

I feel powerless, isolated, excluded

 - like a foreigner in my own land.

So I hold back the true me because I am afraid because I don't belong.

This belief keeps me safe, but mean I am not truthful to myself ...

My belief is stopping me live a life which is going to make me happy....

What really hurts is that I created this life? But was I ever given an alternative? Yes I was - Australia, but I rejected it! 

***

Up to Aire Road with Lola for around an hour. She had a short one before mum's builder arrived so Lola welcomed the outing and we arrived at her pitstop on Crossley Street to see the lady had provided some Halloween treats for merry legs!

***

Then I read the end of Atomic Habits which is a little repetitive, but has some interesting suggestions. Why am I living in a culture which is not my own? And why did I stop recording the days I didn't drink...

***

A day of mixed emotions. Between waking and returning from the allotment excellent, but my mum got funny about me having a shower so I had a wash which she got funny about. I was going to hang around and see Lola, come back to the flat and have a good night's sleep and walk back to Wetherby, but I left hastily, caught the X98 as the crowds were drifting into Wetherby for the race meeting and ended up in Oakwood feeling unloved and unlovable. And unfriendly and an arsehole. We discussed this on Friday - how I fail when a spanner goes into the works... I love random if I am in a good mood, but in a bad mood... It disturbs everything. My mantra is avoid Leeds on a Saturday like a plagues in town... So I stayed in Oakwood... But then I caught the bus to my flat and kept on going touching the North Street area of Leeds for two unnecessary beers. At 3 am a dog barking outside woke me. But I did return to slumber until 5am. Doing a wash, toilet and brewing a pot of coffee.

***

I only drink when I go out... It's a cultural thing. I don't like the culture, but I have fallen into it... And it's definitely not cool.

I respond so badly to what I don't expect. Yesterday I wanted to come back from the allotment, chill out, see Lola and then return to Leeds to make nice food and have a good night's sleep... But mum and her attitude led me astray. I am useless...

Or am I? I still have £2 so I can get to Roundhay Park and walk from there to Wetherby and I've just spent the remainder of my money on 2 more bus tickets. And I am currently making a veggie soup with all the bits I brought back from the allotment yesterday. And I am about to bathe this ape and stick to my plan, regardless of our conflict yesterday...

... So far so good? I've just stopped in Meanwood for another espresso (I had one in Moortown where I bought some authentic Jewish rye at Street Lane Bakery) in Tandem. Out back... On my todd. I think I am heading back to Chapel Allerton where this morning began around 8am. It's around 1pm.

At 2pm I was in Chapel Allerton and enjoying the market which was arranged around the Mustard Pot and the pedestrianised are where the Yorkshire Bank used to be (now a Starbucks). Sunday finished with me being tranquil in my suite and there was no disturbance, but I was awake at 5am.