journal entries 22nd to 27th October.

Tuesday morning, 5:15am. Slept well, but stretched awake at 5am. I'd just toss and turn, which is pointless, so got up. Coffee brewing.

Ruby decided that the bed was her final resting place after she'd gone outside for a barking session around midnight. Whatever it was she chased it into the night...

6am. Sunrise isn't until 7:45. Lola's at my sister's. Ruby's just had her breakfast. Desperate. Now asleep besides me...

Put the dishes away and going to run a bath. There must be more I can do in the morning? Podcast finished. Coffee drunk... Now heading to the toilet.

Lola seems distant. And I don't know if I am projecting that on her? She had a good morning with Ruby and I spent time with her alone too. She's passing through this life faster than I am and I hope she's enjoyed it?

***

A nice morning up to the Copse, behind King's Meadow, where I sat in the sunshine with them both (while they mainly enjoyed the fresh wheat grass) and came back to Chestnut Avenue - where they both gracefully waited (Lola barking as always) then brought Lola back to mum's via Raby Park for a little sunshine and a cuddle. But then a message to say Ruby's paw-rents were returning early (Tony had food poisoning) which meant I had to rush back to Chestnut Avenue, gather my stuff, wash up and await their return - Ruby was crying as she knew something was up...

Then Leeds! Oh God! The cue. And not really any escape. However I didn't go bonkers and ate my lunch in Brownhill, where the atmosphere was a little tense between Richard and Nick... Stayed down on Boar Lane before collecting some yogurt from Sainsbury's. I left Boar Lane at 1800 when it got congested with LUFC supporter. On the way home I bumped into Bex, so I walked her to her appointment on Lands Lane. It was OK. And I can give myself to Lola totally today... She needs it now.

***

Caught the bus up on the junction with Roundhay Road as it was slightly late. Same guy who asks too many questions. Why do I find it difficult to be asked questions? Because I don't know the answers...

To be loved unconditionally. To see that in someone... I've only ever seen it in Lola and I've never seen it in a human; but I still look for it in every corner. Truly I love you...

***

In my youth I was very poetic. Words flowed out of me onto a sheet of paper and, even though my writing was often a scrawl, illegible and became a mystery to myself, I kept on furrowing. I've a bundle I wrote from late adolescent into my early twenties and they grow faint, tainted by time; yellowing and self-turned. Some times I briefly scan, but they bring up my stomach now.

In my youth I loved poetry, but something happened, I think at University, where I became anaesthetised by repeatedly being forced to read a dull wash of words, strung along like soiled linen in a damp industrial rain, soaked in ink and quite opaque to my readership. And I even recoiled at Thomas Hardy. I loved Thomas Hardy's novels... But I detested his poetry! And that always seemed odd...

***

Friday afternoon. Had a visit from a sparky to do a long, thorough, electrical test at the flat around nine. I washed bedding and clothes and vacuum cleaned the majority of the flat before coming to Wetherby on this drizzly day. It's been so long since I walked back to Leeds from Wetherby, because of the issues with my foot, but tomorrow looks better than today and I don't have Lola. We had a short afternoon walk, as I don't want to push her, and walked her where she has less pain on her foot: Miss Hop-a-long (that accident when she was young has made her less active than she would like, but at least she's here by my side and not been 'put down' as she probably would've been in days gone by)? And she's been by my side since her dinner.

Yesterday was nearly perfect - breakfast with Robert, hours on the allotment, a walk to collect the shovel with Lola up at Ruby's and the bus back to Leeds - but that old cue sprang again... I have no willpower!

***

Will I have the power to say NO!?

Saturday morning. Drinking coffee and listening to Free Thinking. I do enjoy a little free thinking... It's 6am. The curtains are drawn and the blinds are up, but it's pitch black. Dawn is yet to arrive, but the clocks go back this evening...

... I must reflect on the brilliant morning and the interesting afternoon and the interesting evening before I reached back to 69 Lovell Park Grange. I managed to walk from my mum's to Kirkby Overblow, via Wood Hall, then to Harrogate via Panal and Leeds Road. I visited Saint Helen's well below the church in KO, had an excellent discussion with two people on route from Wetherby into Panal (the retired teacher with her Shelties and a volunteer who review the definitive ROW in North Yorkshire). In Harrogate I had a few half before climbing aboard a 36 which, filled to the rafters, broken down in Harewood and I was forced to hang around with two halves of SS dark mild before back on a 36 to Chapeltown and Kalabash where I hung out with a group of elderly Jamaican Caribbean folks reminiscing about how Chapeltown used to be... And I came back with a lovely Curried Goat, rice and peas. And tried to sleep through fireworks, shouted conversations and the maddening sports cars leaving the Muslim night clubs on Roseville Road.

But the sun is shining and I am about to get my bath, which I couldn't have on Friday morning, then eat refried beans,  then meditate and then go to Wetherby to walk with mum. Finley and Lola...

And it was a good walk down to through town, The Ings, Scaur Bank, Raby Park and back. But Lola is most aggreived she had to wait an extra hour, as the clocks had gone back, for her dinner...

Quickly collected dog food from Sainsbury's and came back to chill alongside our lass. Sunday is a day to chill out? It's turned cooler as the clocks are now showing the correct time...

Took Lola out for her second walk, but she decided she wanted to go back to my sister's. My sister was recovering from the night before and Finley was on his Nintendo Switch. I left Lola at 4pm(5pm in old money) after a little messing in the front room - she seemed pretty happy all day too.

Came back and chilled out. Meditated for an hour while mum watched another Catherine Cookson drama set in the North East, where there are no stereotypes at all... Had a peanut butter sandwich and slept until 4am. Tossed and turned until 4:45am. Got dressed and writing this.