journal entries 26th to 1st December.

Monday morning. IOT Cicero. Black beans in a pan. Been up and hour. But something is missing in me this morning...

On Thursday I saw a reflection of the world outside on the curtains - like the back of the cave in Plato's allegory

A fairly productive day. Reading reading reading. And not drinking drinking drinking. I finished with a Oatmilk Latte in Caffé Nero (which was a freebie) while the weather cleared away. It was a very blustery and wet day after I returned with Lola from the morning walk up to Deighton Bar. I returned the other volume of the series about Penelope while waiting for the bus back to Leeds (number 7 once more) to the Wetherby library.

I am beginning to feel lonely though. I've rarely seen Lola since I noticed her injury to her poorly foot as mum wants to restrict her movements prior to returning to the vets to see what the problem actually is - she's on some prescription currently to reduce her anxiety and potentially some antibiotics?

The love of my life isn't well...

And I spent Tuesday with Lola. And I visited the allotment and dug up the final small crop of potatoes below the cover of beetroot. There were a few runners beans too to be found. Unfortunately it looks like the snow, wind and ice have destroyed some of the Portuguese cabbage objects. So I brought a little back.

Lola is alongside me once more. After she screamed for her breakfast... She eats it then returns to sleep. It's satisfying for her. It's restful. She's breathing sleepily by my side. We have our routine. Mother has a different routine and Emma too. Lola has a varied existence?

Had a kelp, cabbage, potato and tofu soup for tea. Nice.

***

Thursday.

Lola, mum and I went to the vets up on Sandbeck Lane so we could see what is wrong between Lola's toe digits. And nothing was conclusive, but I know she's not suffering the same amount of pain as she was last week although that could just be pain relief. I have this feeling it's not as bad as feared as it seems to be less large and she let me look at it which she's wasn't happy about the week previously... She had some samples taken to see if it's cancerous... I don't feel like it is?

As we left the surgery around 10am Lola and I climbed onboard the number 8 to Knaresborough for a nice walk through Bilton to Harrogate, I collected another sausage sandwich from Wilkinson's on the high street in Knaresborough, crossed the bridge by Bond End and stuck to the back lane to the Gardner's Arms. Before straight up Bilton Lane and King's Lane to catch the bus back to Wetherby and lunch.

It was a good day. I had four halves.

***

Friday morning.

Awake at 4am(!!!) and I couldn't roll over. A noise was being carried from the A1(M) into my room and I was a little cold in bed. I managed to stay put until 4:30, but no longer. So I am a little ahead of my usual start; and it's OK. I remain happy as a result of yesterday's excellent day with Lola.

There were a few challenges - people with an axe to grind - which I turned away from. Two women, on separate buses, had such a sour face because I was on their bus with Lola... I can't comprehend why they were so sullen, and it is nothing - there are dickheads everywhere... A guy I brushed against, who clearly wasn't paying attention to those around me, spilt a little of his precious beer on his wrist and cussed me for reaching out to get Lola a biscuit... Fuck off! I stepped away and stepped back once he'd flounced away grumbling!

***

Friday.

Up early and had a good morning. A good session with Abbie as I develop more of my problems with father/mother/schools which have made my tools to engage with others impossible...

I came back to the flat, but left it again around 11:30am. I got back to it after a bowl of soup in Mr Su's. I had a pizza at Tapped too, which I don't recall, and slept ok.

Saturday.

Away from Leeds city centre at 10am. I am leaving it to those I must forgive - I forgive myself for last night's fall into temptation. It's getting less frequent (twice weekly this week) than since I can recall (since 2015 I guess) being in Lovell Park Grange?

Bought various items to create refried beans - sausage, smoked bacon, chorizo, a sweet red pepper, a red onion... That's it. Leeds is not my town on Saturday's (or Friday's)...

Mediation is what I needed yesterday? After I reached the flat from Abbie I could've stopped and reached out with a hand to grasp that solace? But then today would have been yesterday and today relentlessly messy... I've just eaten well, washed all my bathroom linen and meditated a solid hour until the loud mouth father-like bellow below stirred me up like scalding porridge.

***

Sunday morning.

I looked outside and saw a bus heading into town along North Street and wondered if it was potentially still the middle of the night... No it was 5:30am. I slept well. And it's Sunday. Not a sunny Sunday, but a dank miserable start to December. We've been blessed by Autumn this year. Winter approaches and things will change as they always do.

Walked as far as possible on the flawed left foot. It's beyond redemption? God, it hurts. Is this the Morton's Neuroma or is it something far worse? We shall see on the 9th.

Saw Lola twice and took her for a second walk, as Emma was hungover on a Sunday (again). Wetherby was bonkers with a Christmas fayre and market... Utter crap. Loads of families on the beat. I hate Christmas. But I can't change it. I must forgive it and get on with it.