A rebel without a clue.

This is it! This is the final year. It is not the end only the conclusion of a chapter. A willingness to turn over the page without returning to the first leaf to repeat the tale over read. If I don't take my self out of the mire now I will be only sinking further and deeper into a being I did not ever dream I'd willingly be. It has been such a long wasted waiting, pondering any sudden movement which might be a bad mistake, but staying still is most definitely a greater error as I will flounder with nothing to show for anything. Something really scared me and stopped me dead in my tracks. As I look behind and up ahead, jogging on the spot, all my life drains out and that is such an incredible loss. My hair recedes, my teeth fall out, my right knee creeks, my left foot aches and tinnitus swirls between my ears, but do these body expressions matter at all while my mind is open and alert?

Does our need to communicate kill us? As we are driven to be together are we our own undoing? Are we herd animals who need to be part of the same collective? We are not Jonathan Livingston Seagull. But it kills us. But this is evolution. Now we wear a mask, take a test, have vaccinations and sit in booths;  have more tests and have trouble with facial expressions.

The same story told countless times. Every twenty four hours (including the sleeping/dreaming times) the battles between chaos and order. Lola was unsettled last night. She hopped beds around 4 and I couldn't get her back in her bed. After a broken hour and half she forced me downstairs to breakfast and toilet break. Usually, when she stays with me, 6:30 is her consistent breakfast time, followed by a quick piss and crap, before she gets back in her place, rearranges her bedding and returns to sleepy-bye-byes, but she stayed at my sister's house on Sunday night and Finley had come back from his dad's a day early: chaos and disorder exists inside that fragile home for sure. When I collected Lola yesterday morning from my sister's we had arranged for me to collect Lola at 7:30am, but when I arrived no one was awake in that household. If I had my own rented place, which was dog friendly, then she could always stay with me really - mum and Emma would miss Lola in some purel...

Day four in the Big Mother household. Already we conflicted. Late last night Lola wanted a bit of play time: she ran off with an insole and I went to battle for the retrieval and showered her with all the love I have. Within minutes mother was 'grinding' her teeth. On new years eve I had a couple of glasses of wine with my dinner, yesterday none and today I really feel will manage at least a week of Dry January, even while locked in 42 from sun up to sunset. *** Reading through the current instructions about self isolating, after a positive COVID test, I got to the final paragraph which told me explicitly to do all I can to adhere to the rules as long as they don't play havoc with my carefully balanced mental health. The pandemic has definitely put a few more spanners in the works. During the winter of 2019 I definitely felt I was heading in the right direction mentally and physically to 'get over', or to move on, from the large grey, cliff like, blockage stuck in m...

Dawn walking. Since I got the positive test result, and have been stuck behind the front door of 42, I've walked Lola before sunrise (technically 'civil' sunrise) to keep isolating. She's so versatile. It's not my normal behaviour, neither is putting her bed next to my mattress, directly on the carpet, and sleeping alongside her. But she's done it so well! Each morning she's stayed wrapped up, and snuggly, under her own duvet cover until just prior to 6 am, she's had breakfast at 6:30am and then we've gone out at 7:30am, for around an hour, to be back at official sunrise: it's probably a good job I am taking a vitamin D supplement as I never spend all of daylight inside... Yesterday I dropped her at my sister, so she can have some company, at the same time as I delivered deodorant and 2 lateral flow test kits, and I am collecting her at around civil sunrise for another dawn walk. By Tuesday I should be just about out of this isolation business as...

For a few days - since Christmas Day - I felt I coming down with a cold, but yesterday I tested positive for COVID although I have none of the symptoms. On Wednesday I was speaking to someone I value so on my way back to Wetherby on Thursday morning I picked up a week supply of LFT because I was worried my mother might be asymptomatic - she'd spent all of Christmas Day in my sister's, (and nephew's), company. And she tested positive for COVID on Wednesday. On Thursday morning I took Lola for a long walk, around 3 hours or 8 miles, something we didn't manage on Christmas Day because I was dog sitting Ruby, to allow my mum to get up and about and then take a swab test. She sent me a message saying she was clear midway through the morning walk. When I returned with Lola at noon, and after I'd had a bowl of homemade rooty veg soup, I thought just for peace of mind I'd take a lateral flow test too. It came back with two solid lines! I've got COVID! Reflecting bac...

The world must be equal. Everyone must be entitled to the same quality of live. Aren't we all in this together? In a time of plentitude having the top 1% devour all the opportunities isn't right. Either we come together or the top 1% will lead the remainder back into shackles (if they haven't already)? Time to eat a banana as I have a cramp from crossed legs. I just went and ate a banana: a time of plentitude! It was an instant of simplicity which globalisation has brought. In my opinion the world must overcome nationalism, and/or patriotism, to become United together against the common 'enemy': the one at the heart of the web. It is still Them who I fear most. ... This pandemic? Is it true? What are the facts of it? Which one's aren't disseminated by Governments, Media Outlets or the Antivax agendas? ... It's raining. It's been damp for too long! The paths are tedious, but at least the mud doesn't ride up the inside leg if I walk rurally. I was ...