A rebel without a clue.

For the first time in ages I actually don't know what I am doing. Doing here in Portugal on a road to nowhere... Walking through the resort strewn shoreline, following the Ria Formosa to it's destiny. Passing between a giant of a manicured golf course to a town sat on the west side of the Guadiana river dissecting Iberia into The Algarve Portugal and Andalusia Spain. Yesterday was a none day. The previous day was a none day. I've felt less than zero since the argument with my mother, which appears to have broken something which can't be fixed ... And whatever I ate yesterday (cheese I think) was not good - it wasn't cold from the fridge so might've been at ambient temperature for a long time. Where do I go from here? East into Spain and the unknown (Like when I got off the bus at the Mexican/Guatamalan border and walked into the unknown)? I absolutely have no idea what the area around Seville/Huelva/Cadiz is like. I am the borderland with Spain... I don't kn...

There is always the same "essential" work being done by the night guy. Cleaning the floors. Outside in the corridor, next to the door (with its gap between it and the room I try to sleep in) and it's just gone 5am and I am a bit cold in bed too. Tiled rooms keep very little warmth. Thankfully I've a duvet and I can put on some clothes too. But now, at 5:30am I am pretty well awake. Yesterday was a long day. From yawning awake at 6am until I floated away on the lullaby being played on the honky-tonk piano by the good pianist. There were a group of three girls. I applauded one tune, when I passed by on the way to one of many toilet breaks(having drunk around 3 litres since the flight) and thought I had recognised another by Wim Mertens who is someone I'd stumbled upon during another period of my life. Mum has suggested I reflect upon the situation betwixt us. That's all I ever do. In the last year I've begun to see that I am the elephant in the room. No one ...

Day one. Nearly 7am. Dog barking outside and I switched on the phone: 6am. Running a bath. Had a cup of tea for breakfast as I forgot I have no coffee... But not on an empty stomach - still dry retching after the second cup even with three dates in my gut. Checked into the 1330 flight from LBA. Heading to Tavira. To escape myself ...the toxic me. Possibly two weeks (13 days) walking (money allowing). The prices are going up the week after... So I can't see it being possible to walk 13 days. My mum has replied to my messages this morning. I was feeling utterly pointless again because if she's disinterested in what I do then I am pointless. An utter waste of matter? 9:15. Caffé Nero for a oat latte. Cleaned boots in the river on Saturday and polished them this morning. They're nearly at the end of their lives. Same as the Páramo Halkon outer. Six days out from Tavira will get me to Beja. I can get back from Faro to either Manchester or Leeds on Monday for around €40. It's...

Awake at 5. Coffee. Dog out for a wee. She's had breakfast. Listening to Archive on Four; it's six. Thinking about what happened on Friday and Saturday. Between me, Emma and my mother. Emma added to the separation I feel went between me and my mother on Friday morning. The anniversary of my birthday... When she didn't break away from the TV, on the two occasions I came to her home, to give me any human contact on this, the day, she gave birth to me 52 years ago. Perhaps the pain was always too much to take? And Emma and I have had zero in common since she returned from Australia all those years ago as she wandered into a way of life I never sought: mortgage, flash car, salesperson... Flimflam. And I recall Emma came up to Newcastle to a party I had at the house I lived in those 3 years in West Jesmond. That was excellent. She came up with Paul Williamson and it was a brilliant party. Emma was way cooler then. Putting everything back as I found it, Including Ruby - LOL?! Wal...

Friday. Happy birthday to me? Awake at 5am. A good night's sleep after the worrying reoccurrence last night of sleeping too early and being quite awake around 9pm. But Ruby didn't bark once at all after I let her out at 7pm for toilet, etc, there were some phantom barks in my mind... So I sank into somnolence.    Breakfast at 7am. Baked beans. Homemade. Enough for another day. Rehydrating some black turtle beans for later if Glenn stays here or at my mum's? Running a bath and will do a wash shortly. Trying to slow down so Lola and Ruby can have a day light hour plus down the river as it's not rained in a few days... ... Another breakdown in our love hate relationship. Mother! Oh what a lovely day... Saturday* Glenn's asleep on the sofa. Ruby, after toilet and breakfast, is asleep on the sofa. I am sat on the sofa. Two sofa's obviously. I belong to the one with Ruby on it. Just gone 6. Slept well for a birthday evening. Didn't drink too much and nothing stron...

Tuesday* 6am. Got pinto beans on simmer. Cuddled Ruby and she's gone back to sleep. Made coffee Read lesson 30 ... (God Is In Everything I See Because God Is In My Mind). Everything is only in my mind... Boiled eggs (for me and Ruby) Ruby has come to ask for her Breakfast. She'll return to sleep afterwards? Demanding more - she's got a duck neck. She uses more energy with me? Her poos are so minute though... Apparently a raw diet does that... She's nugging her toy now and then back to rest. Added tomatoes, puree, capers Tabasco and Lea & Perrin's, and half a can of water to simmer away once more. Brewed another coffee as the Kappow blend is a bit lean for my pallet... I prefer French roast. Leaving for Portugal on the 5th, but school holidays from the 9th. So I must be over the hills (Algarve) and far away (Alentejo) by then. Beginning to feel I should set off once more the route from Faro. Not hitch. And give myself 2 weeks this occasion to reach Lisbon and bey...

Saturday. Awake at 5:45am. Let Ruby outside. Made a cafetiere of coffee. Letting it brew. Cuddled Ruby and watched her relax and rebuild her bed besides me on her sofa in the kitchen dining room. Podcast time. But I am finding them tedious now...  Lesson of the day: no 27 Above all else I want to see. Time to clear away last night's washing up. Full moon. Running a bath... Sorted out the box fresh boots I collected yesterday afternoon. Eating breakfast. 7:35. Avocado on brown. Cup of lemon verbena 9:30 walking across Crowcroft Bank with Lola and Ruby... A 'good' hour. Back alongside the A1 to the underpass at Freeman's Way Beans on toast and then an hour meditation. Took Ruby back to 14  Chestnut Avenue and heading to the allotment for a couple of hours Did a lot of digging and covered up the sections. Walking Ruby into town for a couple of jars. Things are a growing... Exhausted. Ruby too. Dinner and then bed. Tomorrow is Sunday. She signs. *** Sunday. Ruby barks at 5a...