A rebel without a clue.

The morning of the PIP assessment and I am chilling. No heavy session last night, I sat in the sun up on the roof terrace at Belgrave, but got back to the flat at 6, ate 5 dates, washed all my bath linen towels, mats, flannels, dressing gown, etc on a 60°C wash and then slept until 5, rolled over until 5:45am, made a three scoop coffee and then made the base for my breakfast. Next stage will be a bath, before I vacuum up the flat? Back to finish off breakfast, three eggs, a spoonful of Za'atar on each, three toasted Warburton's slices, olive oil and the slow pan fried leak, red onion, brown onion, spring onion and garlic reduction. It is quite nice to have a slow unhurried start to the day? Often I am hurrying to get to Wetherby, because I feel responsible, on either the X98 or X99, even though I get no sense that I am appreciated, needed or even wanted there ... ... All girls ever seem to do is complain about another person, usually another girl, who isn't present. I went ...

Very quiet Sunday and slept well until gone six this morning. With a warm cup of black coffee in my left hand and the patio doors opened upon the heightening sun the crows discuss the morning and sparrows of the hedgerows chirp a chorus too. The murmur of the A1(M), consistent alongside Wetherby always heard and always remembered displacing folks from their beds towards box B... The current of humanity above and outside, but inner and within; ubiquitous. Yesterday I handed over my CV for the first time since 2014. Hastily altered by removing the long list of employment statistics from 1995 until YHA in 2007. So I didn't exist before 2007 and then again after Yo Sushi! and Mosaic Fulfillment Solutions in 2013. A long time for no-being. Trying to connect, but rarely doing so. Sainsbury's: I only ever shop in Sainsbury's because it's got a lighter feel than any of the other big 3. I hesitate to enter Morrisons in Wetherby with the continual intense noises: music, people, a...

Market day in Wetherby - a day I need to avoid the legions of slow footed octogenarians so back to Leeds on the no 7; no hanging around for the X98. Spent an hour or so watering the allotment first thing, then had a plate of beans on toast before Lola and I went down to the Wilderness car park, under the two A1 bridges(old and semi-new) then back along the side of the A1, passed the bottom of the race course and back down York Road, she joined me for a wee cuddle before returning below so I could have a full hour meditating. Still feeling a little flat since being exhausted yesterday, but perhaps not as abysmally depressed as I was first thing this morning! But the number 7 is full. And late so the X98 it is...

And I've woken up bored. Bored of my life. Unexcited by going through the morning routine to get myself to Wetherby for the Wetherby routine and then carry on until the evening when I fall into the dream state. I need an adventure. But can I afford one before the start of Summer when I will have to position myself dog centre of Wetherby... It could be worse? I read somewhere that death can be caused by cell boredom too... Pseudoscience at its worst, but interesting? I know boredom is an aspect of what causes depression. I am rarely depressed when I am drifting with no actual goal really in mind. Got down to Boar Lane for the 7 am bus. Ready to be removed along the same streets, with the same spoken stop points. Last night I returned to the flat to make a rice dish with a broth I'd made from the various spices, herbs and three eggs - this morning I washed up and put everything back in its place. Yesterday morning was Robert and my monthly meeting, but, first the first time ever,...

At 7am I left the flat with the intention of walking for two hours and coinciding with the X99 on the A58, but by the time I had reached the gates entrance to Roundhay Park, and in the glorious late spring sunshine, I felt inspired to continue until at least East Keswick and then catch the bus three hours after leaving the flat, but as I sat in the same sunshine, by the war memorial on Whitegate, I drank some tea and decided I could perhaps reach Woodhall and then I'd be in the direct environment of Wetherby and finish up at Raby Park, and an earned libation, at the Cinema before perhaps meeting Mother, Finley and Lola. But I hesitated in Wetherby, in the sunshine, a few hours before returning to Braine Road where I briefly saw Lola. Now I've realised I've been neglecting her and will, after breakfast with Robert, make it up to her - down to the river and a bit of fun.. Yesterday I covered 15 miles in 5 hours. And I wasn't sore ...

Monday morning, final few days of May. Quiet Sunday. Not exhausted or sleep deprived, but needed not to open Pandora's box ... Washing linen, making porridge and thinking of walking a little distance this morning - no buses to Wetherby until after nine - a Sunday service this Spring Bank Holiday. Meeting Robert on Tuesday for our monthly get together and yesterday I didn't look at the Course once... Reading Graham Greene but finding the novel a little flat or haphazard in its narrative structure... Perhaps it is me as I wasn't dedicated to the duty of getting into the story unfolding? It's been a while since I read anything with the cataract.

Five days since the eye operation and I feel fine: I might be overdoing the CBD though... Need to stop that! I am almost sure I am stoned from it. Everything is a bit foggy. Running a bath before getting it together for Lola and Allotment, then walking Monday ... But I forgot that Lola's at Emma's, so I am surplus to requirements: a quiet day around Leeds, some nice lunch, etc, chill out and go to Wetherby Monday morning. Yesterday I did water the allotment comprehensively.