A rebel without a clue.

Where exactly is the bottom of depression(or the bottom of destitution)? Is it there a point where the rational exits entirely? Where logic breaks into too many fragments to be wholed or collected up again: like a smashed glass... Nervously I twitch at the hem of my coat. Pulling our creases forever and brushing off a dust which is out of my control. I now know I have no control over anything. Have I any free will? Freedom is perhaps such an illusion in a body I'm trapped in and a mind continually blinking. Last night I was aware of a pain. A ticklish pain in my right big toe. During mediation it occurred. As I lay there breathing in I directed my mindfulness into that section of the body as if to winkle it off, force it to abstain, cease ... it came in cycles. As many factors in the body seem to do. A timing mechanism. Something was happening in the nerves down there and I was helpless. Antidepressants. The mild feeling of a MDMA rush assailed my body and instantly I felt nause...

My focus is pretty bad this morning. It feels like the cataract on my right eye is spreading vulgar. Perhaps that is why I was feeling unsteady on my pins in York on Wednesday? I couldn't fathom why my coordination was so shot and I stumbled more or less everywhere I walked. And this was prior to the afternoon session! *** Couldn't get the antidepressants from the Boots in Wetherby or in Leeds - is it trying to tell me something? Perhaps beginning on Vitamin D once more and B12... Which I've fallen out of the habit of taking... Lola slept by my side on her bed until after she needed to go to the toilet at 5. Back to bed until 6:10 and breakfast at 7. She's asleep once more as I listen to an unconvincing podcast about climate change verses weather events. I am sceptical of all the statistics in such a short time in recorded human history. *** After a wet morning on Saturday in Harrogate I dropped Lola back with my mum and headed back to Leeds on the Sky Class X98 to hook...

To take the edge off To make the ends smooth To rake away the pain To toss into the wind And bring a calm truth It's a beer! But it shouldn't appear While the other invades; Being host of my loathing, Forgotten ways; afraid to tread. Must there be reason? A tragedy already played.

When I walk out with Lola it's with an expectation that a truth will be revealed on the, otherwise common, paths. A shared joy of an adventure on ways drawn upon heavily with others preceding track, or away, foreign, from where we're not meant to go: down the edge of hedge and field - without any right of way! There are places I'm sure only her and I have waited together, for a joy to unfold, this year, but then some sign of earlier man erases this dream. Recently it was a cluster of red shotgun cartridges around the decaying trunk of a long dead hawthorn: a death foretold. We often wait together in these other places and I let the sinister spaces, away to the south and west, be somewhere else. To cuddle Lola in these moments is very restful and brings me happiness. And there isn't a moment goes forgotten when I ask for a gentle kiss and there isn't one given. It's a pleasureable feeling knowing what I need, want, desire and looked to for is given without a mom...

Joanna Taoyuan Taiwan Author Bake Been to Seattle, Munich, speaks a little German: pronunciation of München a bit suspect? At around 7 I set off back to the flat... The usual, but ever decreasingly frequented bars. I am less and less inclined by what's around Boar Lane, except Brownhill and Co behind HoF, then it's only North Bar and Belgrave. As I was about to return to the flat, post rain, a 23 year old Taiwanese girl who had come over from Manchester joined me at the bar for a large glass of soda water. We left, her going to the station and I the short walk along Wade Lane, etc. Monday morning and it's pretty mild for the end of October. Soon it's sure to change? November a week tomorrow. Flipping from fucking Halloween to Christmas being shoved down our necks... Over to walk Lola and head to the allotment later if it's sunny?  Mum wants me to help her start cutting back the plants in her garden too. At 4:30 some distant washing machine noise put me in semi sleep...

So four days. Until it began to pour it down just as I stepped out from a Menú del Dia in Restaurant L' Isard, the first cheap 'entire' eat at lunch since June ... No where I've passed was open or offered it at the time suitable. Juneda was a crap town to come to a deserted station in a downpour! It was probably a poor reflection of the place as two younger dodgier individuals lingered next to the tracks with me. Checked into an apartment through Booking.com - cheapest option other than Hotel Goya apart from a couple of room-only Airbnb. Washed clothes and sought a beer. Too expensive really at €5. But it's only a couple. Autumn is here today. Definitely a change and the leaves are falling from the trees dropping like flies.  Coming to Gran's Records as it's a Mecca I suppose after the last few days of Caña Estrella Damn. But the music is dreadful - Spanish rap. On entry it was Elvis Presley on aa Russian pressing spinning on one of the two turntables. It...

Many bites from the mountain (and perhaps from the late lunch and the two beers while I decided whether to eat or sleep. Two savoury local savoury patisserie - spinach and raisin/onions and pimento), and the itching woke me up around four as I feared bedbugs. Luckily the room was clear. Until I checked in around 4 I had no memory of the establishment I left from over a year ago. And even now it's a little hazy... Sat enjoying a coffee while I consider the third stage which takes me back to the Gaia River so I will have zigzagged. Another coffee and a croissant and then away. Across is a supermarket, but the next town isn't so far away. Last time I was passing through, having fallen badly in the Pyrenees, experiencing the various quality ales in Lleida and Montblanc, but not walking and this time stone cold sober heading towards the second and third monasteries before joining the main route West from Girona, etc, but only until Thursday. But it's worth it as I have to return...