thoughts on depression.

Where exactly is the bottom of depression(or the bottom of destitution)? Is it there a point where the rational exits entirely? Where logic breaks into too many fragments to be wholed or collected up again: like a smashed glass...

Nervously I twitch at the hem of my coat. Pulling our creases forever and brushing off a dust which is out of my control.

I now know I have no control over anything. Have I any free will? Freedom is perhaps such an illusion in a body I'm trapped in and a mind continually blinking. Last night I was aware of a pain. A ticklish pain in my right big toe. During mediation it occurred. As I lay there breathing in I directed my mindfulness into that section of the body as if to winkle it off, force it to abstain, cease ... it came in cycles. As many factors in the body seem to do. A timing mechanism. Something was happening in the nerves down there and I was helpless. Antidepressants.

The mild feeling of a MDMA rush assailed my body and instantly I felt nausea and defecated with the force of dysentery most of the afternoon. Taking to bed early to bring back some of sleep loss I had the previous morning. Feeling guilty for to expose my evil twin is ... The shame of me! Someone who thinks if I was violent would definitely be banged up. I'm not as good as I feel I aught to be. I would attack everyone. Before they attacked me first. It is to get the first punch in. Before they see my complete failure as a human being. I'm frightened of you all. I see you as the enemy ... Always an enemy. But this isn't who you all are. It's only in my mind.

Why do I see a glance in every face and a grimace. Please plunge the knife in!