A rebel without a clue.

Tinnitus was bad yesterday too. It's still very present this morning, it is always present, but was more manageable prior to Friday's fall from grace. So I must be good? Left overs for breakfast as I always do enough fried rice for the morning too. I usually just add some eggs for protein as last night it was a veggie rice only. Mum's stirring and I am having a cup of tea, to help digestion, prior to walking up Deighton Road up towards Ainsty to do some digging on the allotment? *** I've hit a bad patch in my alcohol addiction. Friday and Sunday I overdid it. After three weeks of calm I am undoing all the goodness - it drives me nuts as I can't connect property without proper sleep. And all day today will be a right off: no fun. I am sleep deprived and that leads to feeling anxious - it's the opposite of what I was feeling before Friday. I know I can't be like this if I want to get out of the pits of despair: it's a cold and foggy morning which is very l...

What happens when a missile goes missing, into a neighbours region, and no one is claiming responsibility, but it's probably from The Ukraine in error - human or computer error. If Biden says it's not Russian it must be true because the US knows everything which happens militarily in the World and is very confident. To say it is not Russian means it is either one of Russia's allies (Belarus) or The Ukraine itself getting it's 'settings' wrong. All the rhetoric in the G20 makes Russia very isolated and backed into a corner: they respond with a wave of childish rockets thrown in tantrums from the cradle so recently rocked? Are these adults or children who run the nation's of the world? It was The Ukraine! *** Walking down to the corner of Albion Street and Boar Lane in the drench testing the Flecktarn rainproof with the failing seals, free chocolate and espresso and £2 left in the wallet from yesterday. A no cost morning. Went for, hopefully, my final meal out...

Mother has a cold, it's still foggy out and I woke up around 6am after a solid night's kip. Was hoping for a twinkling of sun to go out with lovely Lola, but perhaps not in the dullness... She's often in semi hibernation mode on days like today: lazy Lola days. Second day of leaden skies. That's the thing with the darkness and the cloud cover: it's an unwelcome blanket drapped beyond respite. 2nd set of 14 Venlafaxine this morning: half way into the first prescription will need to get another before I head to Madrid on the 1st. They're definitely working, but I feel a little less happy than during the first week, which was pretty blissful. *** Awake at 5 at the flat and the rainy day had already begun. A do nothing outside day... Except go to Wetherby and walk Lola - both of us with our raincoats on. Doing my weekly wash at the flat prior to 7 when the cost of electricity goes up on the dual rate "economy 7" system and now waiting for the X99 sheltered...

Just run a tepid bath! Forgot to turn on the boiler last night! Oh well I am clean. A bit chilled, but some people go swimming in freezing temperatures? What an utter waste of a lovely afternoon yesterday! Why did I even suggest meeting Jason in Leeds on a Saturday for a drink before his meal on his birthday? The amount of people: it felt like the zombie apocalypse had come! I tried to contain my anxiety, but no amount of Antidepressants can make me enjoy what literally makes me want to run away screaming to then hide! I will never be back in to the enfolding of a Saturday - like a guy once said to me - avoid Leeds on a Saturday like the plague is in town! *** This morning I am attempting to walk towards Wetherby from my flat via this new road system, around Red Hall, which has a pedestrian bridge over between Elmete Lane and Wetherby Road. Although my left foot is playing up this week... It's going to be a nice, warm, unseasonably warm, November day so better use the vitamin D whi...

Wednesday morning. No payment yet from yonder HM Government. Oh well. Was hoping to clear my debt from Tarragona prior to the date the statement is product on the Post Office CC. Not to be as it's usually produced on the 9th of the month; there will be a little interest to pay and I can't use that funding option for Madrid in December. They've sent me notification that I will receive it shortly - before the 23rd November. *** Waiting for a delivery of a new cooker and a visit from the liaison woman from Equans before I can leave the flat and depart for Wetherby and Lola this afternoon. No allotment today. Just chilling. Spent too much last night coming back to the flat with groceries etc: may pop as see Andy, Ian and another (Adrian) at the Mews mid afternoon, but unlikely - more likely I will pick up Finley if Emma's working? *** I forgot - Finley now walks to my mother's on a Wednesday, straight from school, so there is no collecting him. Lola and I went out at 2,...

Sitting waiting for it to brighten before heading up to the allotment for a bit of the morning. Meant to be meeting Nick at the Rooster's Taproom this afternoon, as I've not seen him once since I left him in Tarragona that Monday morning for the interior of Catalonia, and those long three days chasing monasteries. A dull November morning. Oh well! Mustn't grumble? Had 4 halves and one bottle in Wetherby prior to coming back to a burger and chips that mum had made. I'd done lunch - caldo verde - which was the healthy option? I've just had some for breakfast and am waiting for it to get to work - waking me up properly. First thing a fog wrapped itself around the street lights along York Road and the grey clings to the roofs and trees barely receding. But I will visit the allotment? *** Great day on Sunday. As I walked up to the allotment the fog lifted and it was more or less blue skies until I headed into Wetherby to wait for the bus into Harrogate where I bought a p...

I can't quite explain why, but I really dislike the Tiled Hall in Leeds Gallery. Maybe it is the bright light or the constant coffee echoes or the disappearing disappointing people? Coming here to be involved in something "social", but why can't I connect: the greyhaired lady wants me to fill in a form, but I feel that is a bit much; formalities. The sound is similar to the one a swimming-pool projects. People ask my name. People laugh. They are going to Morley next week ... Will I ever see the luminous. When will I overcome this barrier. It seems irrational to keep up the Illusion of any sensibility. It is an impenetrable nothing, yet it remains blocking me. And here I sit to await the toiling of a bell. How much of me wants thermonuclear war to rip it all up? Total apathy. Even the barfly buzz is banal and any odour I deport must be riddled with vile corrosion. It is Black "fucking" Friday. It has crept into the very souls of these many folks for whom I ...

Early for the next bus to Wetherby. Feel stress-less than usually. Perhaps, on the sixth day, my anxiety levels have lowered? Returning to the flat, after 2 and a half pints in Preston, a portion of chips and curry sauce from.Oakwood Fisheries and the brief trip on the number 12 from Oakwood to the stop at the bottom of Wintoun Street, there was a smell and what looked like sewage in the sink? Hastily I cleaned it away, washing down the sink, and took to bed to worry about it the next morning. These new extractor fans installed on Monday can be silenced on the mains supply box so I was undisturbed until I woke naturally at 5, rolling over again for a thirty more minutes. Getting up I did a weekly wash, made porridge, had a bath, got dressed, ate the porridge, cleaned up and departed for a Saturday morning in Leeds City Centre. There was no sign of the mess from last night and there had been a fair bit of noise on one of the floors which might've been dealing with the issue? But I w...

Friday morning. I was thinking of walking to Leeds, but mum asked me to walk Lola today and as it looks like a nice day, and I am utterly sober (and it's blue skies all the way) and I can head to the allotment if the weather keeps nice this afternoon... I've onions to implant! Fifth day of Venlafaxine and I've got passed the wobbliness and stomach churning and perhaps it's made me calm down enough to be able to lay meditatively several times a day: around three times yesterday I put the matter swamping my consciousness away free a deep peace; it is possible I was overly long off antidepressants after the summer of Wetherby and the damage it was doing to my psyche. *** Harrogate and a lot of Zoomies in the leaf litter down by the Crimple Beck below the Harrogate Show Ground. Sunshine all the way, and I was ready to go far until my left foot began badgering me once more. Four days of heavy slogging in Catalonia and nothing then one hour in England and bang - gone. So merr...

For a few days at the beginning of my time in Padstow, and before I made the effort to go back for food and a siesta (at the staff house) I dozed on the bank in Chapel Stile Field in the warm June sunshine and away from the crowds of pleasure seekers. In July and August, after the schools were on holiday, the break between lunch and dinner shift was shorter and the day was much more demanding, but I still managed to press pause in the next staff house I was assigned.

First night back in the flat since I started taking Antidepressants on Monday and when the council installed the extractor fans in kitchen and bathroom and I hardly slept due to the low level hum of the one coming through the bedroom which hasn't be culverted or had the door on the top of the wardrobe altered. I must ring them and get another date to have it sorted otherwise I definitely will be unable to sleep fully: I am just so sensitive to background noises and someone late/early last night set off a firework too... Frankly people are wankers. Between the humming of the fans and this constant tinnitus I don't know which is worse? And I forgot to buy coffee so it's tea this morning which always makes me feel slightly sickly first thing! Starting to feel slightly calmer. Less anxious and generally better mood this morning: but the sun was shining over the horizon as I departed from Boar Lane at 7am. My bowels are a bit troublesome, but it usually passes! *** Got soaked ye...

Putting the clocks back is a little difficult for me. I was awake around 5, which is 6, and I am now awaiting the sunrise in the east around 7, which is eight. Noon isn't at noon either. Mother seemed to be watching the TV into the early hours, but I guess it was no later than 11. At that point I'd been in semi- unconscious from 7. Depressed people tend to retire to bed earlier than others: or the opposite. I am definitely so disturbed by the world around that closing myself from it is the best option: bad thoughts crowd my mind before they depart and give space to true peace. The peace in sleep which is akin to death, or nonexistence. *** Where are we going? Like demented souls, clinging to something beyond our eyesight, we peer wildly into an abyss. But the magic isn't anywhere else. It's in 'nothing'. Except for this 'nothingness' we waste our lives. Nothing is all there is. However it's not a cruel fate. Better than blessed teatree lights placed ...