A rebel without a clue.

And I am off to bed  To sleep alone Uninhabited, Apart from snores; And of snores I wish could repent. Those noises I cannot bear. Amongst her toes, I dare not touch, Is a space; beautiful, Which I dearly love! Appreciating what was full, But alas no more. But who am I to speak? In bad styles of no importance  Except when she's watching Between a few sounds real? So let those snores of hers Silence me And let her twitching toes Unravel me She's the finest I know.

Tuesday begins with a Lola package alongside me.  I dog sat her on Monday, while mother had a day in Harrogate (who I think needed a break from the seat opposite the TV) Lola had my undivided attention from 9am until I went to bed. Lola joined me a little later. I had an hour to myself from 11 and once more while mother resettled herself opposite the TV. It's 6am. ... Leaving Wetherby on the number 7. Which goes through Thorp Arch TE at this hour. Arriving in Boston Spa around 7:30am.  I considered the allotment this morning, but it's dank and wet so far so fuck it. ... Why do we constantly look back to a 'golden age' and hope to recreate it now? Why can't we see now? Why do we fixate on the past leading to a future when all there ever is is now? The power of now. If only it could be stepped into now now now ... I am planning to go to London on Friday - in the future, but I might die now. The end is always current. It is always now? When I am on the Camino I am now ...

Monday morning. IOT Cicero. Black beans in a pan. Been up and hour. But something is missing in me this morning... On Thursday I saw a reflection of the world outside on the curtains - like the back of the cave in Plato's allegory A fairly productive day. Reading reading reading. And not drinking drinking drinking. I finished with a Oatmilk Latte in Caffé Nero (which was a freebie) while the weather cleared away. It was a very blustery and wet day after I returned with Lola from the morning walk up to Deighton Bar. I returned the other volume of the series about Penelope while waiting for the bus back to Leeds (number 7 once more) to the Wetherby library. I am beginning to feel lonely though. I've rarely seen Lola since I noticed her injury to her poorly foot as mum wants to restrict her movements prior to returning to the vets to see what the problem actually is - she's on some prescription currently to reduce her anxiety and potentially some antibiotics? The love of my li...

First day done of dog sitting for Ruby. We had a lovely morning walking from Plumpton Rocks to Knaresborough and then through Starbeck to Harrogate, were we had an hour before catching the bus back around 1pm. Ruby ate her dinner, as did I, and we hardly moved afterwards... Second day included Lola on a walk to Collingham, alongside the river and back via the golf course. We had a short break for a coffee and some doggy biscuits in Apotheco. Later I managed to read three chapters as I digested three halves of stout(one BD and two Guinness) after I'd taken Ruby for a second meander (down to the river and back) and fed her hungry body. I ate the shepherds pie with the processed maize kernels. Proper grits... I only had to cook thrice before they became soft!? Maybe it's an alkali and time which serves? Day three ... Oh bugger. 5 pints and a disturbed night. but I am nearly at the end of day four. It's cold. A deep frost. I've been with Lola all day and she has some tender...

How do I get my life away from the track it is on: towards my self-destruction. The shortening of my potential into a vacuum of self abuse which is built on whimsical ideals, of no real substance, because I appear to suffer too much to be alone. Humans are social creatures, and that's a fact which my genes, and my behaviour in culture is tied together within a façade I am compelled to, always, display: which is bollocks? 8 weeks until Epiphany and I've got to be somewhere on this day. A new adventure which isn't dictated by the yo-yoing, to-ing and fro-ing. I came back to the flat. I picked up the book I'd left at BrewDog and came direct across Lovell Park to the Grange. Made a Malaysian curry with some urid daal as a side plate. It's a Tuesday. Can I do a third day off alcohol? Oh please. It will feel like such an accomplishment which is a truly bizarre feeling. Am so far away from sobriety. I am who I am. Do I need an official diagnosis to keep me trapped here doi...

Just returned from a meander with Lola up to Ashdale Lane and The Copse, back along Quarry Hill Lane and Crossley Street. On York Road Lola found half an uneaten pizza. And on Quarry Hill Lane I collected a couple of cooking apples from a plastic bag outside someone's house... Then I made lunch: pork sausages, apple sauce, mash potato, onion gravy and broad beans. Mum actually liked my food. Then I went for a lay down, but Lola was having none of it so we walked up St James's Street to the Ginnel, up Prospect View and the Quarry, along Raby, and onto The Ings for a bit of 'find the fish' in amongst the fallen leaves. Then Lola demanded I spend the rest of the afternoon by her side, which I was compelled to, until Finley took my place and I started to read Ithaca by Claire North  on my bed while struggling to keep warm! The burn on my right hand was also distracting me, but I asked my sister, once she'd arrived, if she had any Savlon...  Which did help reduce the in...

Breakfast. Twice fried fries, two sliced - lengthwise - Addyman's traditional sausages, capers, garlic, olive oil, pepper... a banana, pills for me nerves and a glass of Vichy Catalan! Monday got off to a bang?!? Yesterday I began 'taping' the seams on the Flecktarn after I'd sealed with a bonding adhesive. It may work to keep me dry? As a first attempt I was slightly off on the tape in areas and quickly ran out of the roll(5 metres didn't cover it?)... Three hours on the allotment, into town for a 'coffee' break(matcha latte) and a few chapters of a short novella. Just put mum's old phone on eBay. Had a good meditation session after lunch. Heading back to Leeds shortly. *** And I didn't go for a pint. First time in ages I haven't just 'popped in' for a half which then duplicates itself across the evening sky... *** Tuesday. Awake early. The clocks have fallen back, but I am still awake at '5am'. I am maladjusted. But it's OK....