A rebel without a clue.

How do I get my life away from the track it is on: towards my self-destruction. The shortening of my potential into a vacuum of self abuse which is built on whimsical ideals, of no real substance, because I appear to suffer too much to be alone. Humans are social creatures, and that's a fact which my genes, and my behaviour in culture is tied together within a façade I am compelled to, always, display: which is bollocks? 8 weeks until Epiphany and I've got to be somewhere on this day. A new adventure which isn't dictated by the yo-yoing, to-ing and fro-ing. I came back to the flat. I picked up the book I'd left at BrewDog and came direct across Lovell Park to the Grange. Made a Malaysian curry with some urid daal as a side plate. It's a Tuesday. Can I do a third day off alcohol? Oh please. It will feel like such an accomplishment which is a truly bizarre feeling. Am so far away from sobriety. I am who I am. Do I need an official diagnosis to keep me trapped here doi...

Just returned from a meander with Lola up to Ashdale Lane and The Copse, back along Quarry Hill Lane and Crossley Street. On York Road Lola found half an uneaten pizza. And on Quarry Hill Lane I collected a couple of cooking apples from a plastic bag outside someone's house... Then I made lunch: pork sausages, apple sauce, mash potato, onion gravy and broad beans. Mum actually liked my food. Then I went for a lay down, but Lola was having none of it so we walked up St James's Street to the Ginnel, up Prospect View and the Quarry, along Raby, and onto The Ings for a bit of 'find the fish' in amongst the fallen leaves. Then Lola demanded I spend the rest of the afternoon by her side, which I was compelled to, until Finley took my place and I started to read Ithaca by Claire North  on my bed while struggling to keep warm! The burn on my right hand was also distracting me, but I asked my sister, once she'd arrived, if she had any Savlon...  Which did help reduce the in...

Breakfast. Twice fried fries, two sliced - lengthwise - Addyman's traditional sausages, capers, garlic, olive oil, pepper... a banana, pills for me nerves and a glass of Vichy Catalan! Monday got off to a bang?!? Yesterday I began 'taping' the seams on the Flecktarn after I'd sealed with a bonding adhesive. It may work to keep me dry? As a first attempt I was slightly off on the tape in areas and quickly ran out of the roll(5 metres didn't cover it?)... Three hours on the allotment, into town for a 'coffee' break(matcha latte) and a few chapters of a short novella. Just put mum's old phone on eBay. Had a good meditation session after lunch. Heading back to Leeds shortly. *** And I didn't go for a pint. First time in ages I haven't just 'popped in' for a half which then duplicates itself across the evening sky... *** Tuesday. Awake early. The clocks have fallen back, but I am still awake at '5am'. I am maladjusted. But it's OK....

Tuesday morning, 5:15am. Slept well, but stretched awake at 5am. I'd just toss and turn, which is pointless, so got up. Coffee brewing. Ruby decided that the bed was her final resting place after she'd gone outside for a barking session around midnight. Whatever it was she chased it into the night... 6am. Sunrise isn't until 7:45. Lola's at my sister's. Ruby's just had her breakfast. Desperate. Now asleep besides me... Put the dishes away and going to run a bath. There must be more I can do in the morning? Podcast finished. Coffee drunk... Now heading to the toilet. Lola seems distant. And I don't know if I am projecting that on her? She had a good morning with Ruby and I spent time with her alone too. She's passing through this life faster than I am and I hope she's enjoyed it? *** A nice morning up to the Copse, behind King's Meadow, where I sat in the sunshine with them both (while they mainly enjoyed the fresh wheat grass) and came back to Ch...

To live true and not doubt being oneself from every point in life. To trust that there is a higher level of Being which can be achieved and never question its means of taking me onwards. *** The day in-between. It's Saturday. And I have a focus. Not the blinded Thursday. Or the troubled Friday. When will I learn? When will I change? But our session was good in the morning of  Occupational Therapy... bonafide? Two days porridge. First you boil a kettle, then you soak the oats overnight in the boiled water, then you chuck in any amount of fruit, spices, etc., then you bring to the creamy simmer. Then you eat still warm, but not scoldingly hot alongside brewed coffee and then you switch off the podcast and turn to the journal before facing the door and the day. *** Leaving Leeds Station in the predawn; it was raining as I left Lovell Park Grange to walk down Albion Street to New Station Street and the main entrance to the Station: Manchester here I come; I hope it lives up to the hype...

Autumn has arrived. The rain is here. It's gray, dark and very somber. It's what it is. Apparently for a couple of weeks. Ruby's family have picked a great two weeks to not be here? Ruby is not keen on leaving her seat. And I can't hold it against her. 14 days from today I am ensconced up on Chestnut Avenue, which is a million times better than being ledged on the 11th floor of Lovell Park Grange?  *** Tuesday. The rain didn't hang on in Wetherby, luckily? And we did get a second walk. I took Lola food to mum's and then took Ruby through town. Another good hour. Her body language was mainly tired after Sunday's biggie. Back to normal this morning I suppose. And Lola too. I am hoping we have a sunny afternoon so I can look at the allotment... Which might get neglected once more now I have Ruby. *** Wednesday morning, I've settled in. Had a bath prior to bed. Ate a noodle soup at lunch and a pile of beans for tea. Ruby had a long morning with me and Lola. ...

I have to try and get out of the pit I have fallen into once more. Day one. Monday 29th July. Calm. Peaceful. No anger. No anxiety! Out the door once more. 6:20am. 6am day 5. Day 4 I had one too many in the sunshine. Day off Wetherby, until later. Allotment Saturday morning. Did a lot around mum's. Took Venlafaxine and turned in. Looking outside the patio door at the trimming I did on the chair. Clearing the heavy vine away: Clematis. Enjoying a coffee. It's a little cloudy with a breeze. Going to collect Lola around 8. Emma's working over the weekend. All will be well... Woozy night, stomach ache and a migraine. Changing medication. *** On the X99 this morning. Woke up at 4, rolled over until ten to 5. Had a bath and headed down to Boar Lane. 6:55am. *** Left the flat around 8am. Went to Caffé Nero before catching the bus up to the Woodhouse Medical Centre (it wasn't far) and I was an hour early, so I read a few chapters and relaxed in an armchair. Appointment at 10:10...