A rebel without a clue.

Mood so low I didn't leave the flat all day yesterday and was in bed 70% of the time. Looked at the mess around the flat, sighed and went further into bed... The world needs to open up for me. It seems to be going that way, but only if I flee to France on Wednesday... I've accommodation in Beauvais,  with two fellow pilgrims, at the Gites d'Etape. Then the previous few years are completed. Will I live through this? Good question. Beginning another journey. This is the end of something ... Not cherished the period of yo-yoing the X99/X98 and beer/no beer as it's cutting my life back dramatically. I couldn't do 10000 push ups, like Robert is for charity, but I can walk while the heart and brain don't split or a canker develops hidden within this dermis.

Monday morning and I am low. How do I rise above this feeling? Things which occurred, which I feel irresponsible for, are playing heavily on my mind. As a consequence of not qualify for PIP I am almost recoiling, or is it uncoiling, in my mind. Seeing no way forward which isn't just one more pointless task trying to keep rolling the ball up that hill. Being on benefits is very hard to make ends meet, anyway, and when that income is halved due to the point scoring system, which accumulates to say this person gets PIP, but has no actual criteria purely for mental health issues (anxiety, depression, phobia, etc). I haven't seen the letter which gives me the option of a second opinion, before heading along the long road to the tribunal, but last time I didn't score on managing my life in the flat. Since moving to the flat in 2015 I have never decorated it. It's got exactly the furnishings that were already in place and the sofa emmanus provided, the washing machine Robert b...

Start of Tuesday, doing the usual clearing up after myself at Ruby's abode before Mo and Tony return later this morning, and I've broken a vase... The only thing I recall breaking while here looking after things? The roller blinds caught the thing on the window sill and the arms come off ...  ... Got back to the flat and there wasn't the dreaded missive from the DWP, so I thought perhaps I will be OK after all, but then this morning part of the world I've been used to since 2017 - when I won the appeal at the tribunal - fell apart and I am in the same position I was when I lost PIP in 2016 - terminally short of funds and no better mentally at all. Even though I emphasized how bad things have gotten, since the end of COVID restrictions last summer, I am back - so far back What's the point? Why do I keep carrying on? Feeling helplessness... The world is relentless. From every angle I feel threatened. I left the flat because the noise around it is simply too much now. ...

Forgetting names: Names of people I rarely see. Is there a finite memory bank for names of people who I don't think of for most of the time? Rory.  So what is the Glastonbury Fesy about in the 21st century? Is it just another place for the commonplace to get commoner? Or is a place to still find the outliers it must've once been ... Have you ever walked down Glastonbury high street and seen how phony it is? I have, twice, and it's plain pointless. Obviously this is where all the leylines intersect... Somewhere totally banal and bland. Perhaps the universe and it's creator are very boring drab and obsessed by crystals... The world I inhabit is getting louder and louder. For instance there is a person talking to another person on the bus and another person has text alerts switches on. And in the flat yesterday I had the sounds of sirens, alarms, reversing signals, the dismantling of scaffolding, bird song, hard dance music played by the operatives working on the flat, har...

An evening of firsts and lasts. Came along to the War on Drugs concert at the Piece Hall, in Halifax, with Nick (as he thought I'd like it)? On another occasion it would be interesting to view the hall and also the part of Halifax we came through in the taxi, wiith its large 'Stray-like' common and the Georgian/Victorian houses pouring down into the Calder valley and into the focal point of the minster and hall. But the sheer number of people in the venue for the 'gig', and the rigid security which I have no experience of previously, as all my live music visits were in another era, more than a decade ago, when the threat of acts of violence weren't a constant fear. So I went and got Nick his drinks during the first few songs, and kept trying to locate him amongst the throng - which I eventually did in my head when knew where he was on relation to the others in his sector. As the music got louder, and the crowd were screaming their joy, I saw that Nick has a true...

All I can smell is fish being cooked somewhere this morning. I am sure my flat doesn't smell like fish! Over sensitive! This morning I've turned my attention (that's laughable) to filling in the ADHD questionnaire which I found on my doorstep last night, after I had stumbled in a sleep haze from the long day journeying back from the way between Arras and Rouen in Amiens, which I need never visit again? Next time I fly to Beauvais it will be to head West, from Rouen, on, hopefully, a better (accommodation and distance) part of the Chemin Mont-Saint-Michel. Back ten minutes and I am on the defensive and attack constantly, but I keep observing myself doing it which is good? It's West Yorkshire?

Where it all began. The airport. A brief visit to Compiegne for lunch as it's only €1 each way on the local bus network. Was going to head for a Coq Hardi at Café Les Halles, opposite to where the Marche is in Beauvais is held, but on a Monday it is closed so walked up to the airport, picking up a fresh Tradi baguette, and now sit waiting for the time to pass before back to Leeds. People whittering in which ever language they use to whitter and I had to have a beer before I explode. Cheapest option was way too expensive 1664. The bar on T2 is almost €12 a pint. The exclusivity of airports and the profiteering which goes on beggars belief! I will manage on just the baguette, and perhaps the sardines in the tin I've had since the first day, but it's just boredom which does it - eating. Something to distract me from a few hours facing the back of someone's seat and seeing if any of the aircrew are actually nice... ... I have not seen a soul for days now every fucker is goi...