A rebel without a clue.

Got to break out of this existence. Mother and her anger at everything, but mainly directed at me. It's my fault she slept so well, but was up at 6:50 as she could hear me closing doors - I should become incorporeal.  The normal pattern of my Wetherby existence was shattered as conversations about the usual Brexit, Ukraine anti Labour (everyone of them she despises personally) so I grabbed the bag of bottles accreting in the dining area of the extended kitchen. The things she's convinced of like  'self-sufficiency'... England hasn't been in that position since before the Industrial Revolution (if it ever really was as people starved much more often then too). There are too many people. There has always been too many people! One person is actually too many: look at the effect of us on everything we love or hate. So now I am spending £2.80 to listen to awful music in BAE for a few minutes before I run back and take Lola: the espresso was cold. How odd I didn't rea...

This is the first time since I was in Ronda with Glenn for my birthday that I can recall feel utterly exhausted from lack of sleep due to alcohol and bad cuisine. And part of me wanted to go for just one beer - hair of the dog! But I managed not to go anywhere near Bar Three or The Mews and instead had an espresso and a glass of iced water while a father and daughter practiced French. Just been up to Auntie Wendy's, to take her a birthday card, with Lola. It took some encouragement of Lola to go up Spofforth Hill twice in as many days, but we got there and had an hour there an back, via Wharfedale Lawn opposite The New Inn. On the road to recovery now as mum is asleep upstairs: she's tired from a busy day, hospital with Anne and shopping for herself. She's definitely on the way to self-sufficiency. September isn't too far away. Fingers crossed nothing comes along before then... Mum thinks I am getting taller, but I have been feeling fatter recently (beer goggles). Just ...

When I was in the first year of Wetherby High School there was a night when I saw a hopeless and lonely future. Without knowing it I created my reality out of the illusion encapsulated within a dream... In the morning, and for virtually the entire day, I was engulfed, bereft, in floods of tears. To the extent a girl thought something dreadful had happened in my family - a death or other trauma. I just couldn't tell them what emotions I was going through: I had killed myself so vivid was the dream. High School was a very bad place for me, from the moment I arrived, and was left alone in the hall, after everyone else had been summoned to their form group, and had to ask strangers why I hadn't been picked out and sent to a classroom to meet the teacher. There was no one registered at all by the name Daniel Sherburn. There was on the list a 'David Sherburn' but that couldn't be me? That wasn't me. It was a David. Being David destroyed my experience of that place fro...

Just another day when I consider writing about my life. But there are a lot of distractions following me internally and externally... Lots of ideas appear, then they disappear almost as suddenly as I fail to cut out the background noises. I probably shouldn't have come to a small establishment to contemplate my fifty years of experience/existence/exasperation. It's Leeds on Wednesday afternoon and it's very quiet except for the individuals, like me, with a few holes scattered throughout their minds. God, it's just me on repeat. Listen to them, because I appear to have no choice: I was brought here and I am Witness. So I drank that half, table beer, very hastily and now I am out the otherside of Whitelocks and contemplating a dead Wednesday afternoon. *** When I worked at the Farmer Jack's I organised a robbery. *** Which was the most ridiculous epoch of my existence? Probably from sixth form (September 1990) until I got on that jet plane to Perth, WA, in May 1999. T...

Good morning toilet. You've supported me throughout the night: again. Something I ate didn't agree with me, again. Twice this week. Really I shouldn't eat mother's food or eat take away food (no matter that it was vegetarian). Perhaps those last two beers and the plate of Fava beans came through me earlier than expected? Didn't sleep so washed and went to get the X99 at 7 from Cross Stamford Street: my closest stop. Will catch up with sleep at some point today, after an hour with Lola. She'll get two hours today rather than a long one? Unless some energy appears somewhere? There is a bowl of porridge at mums and that might bring me around? What was going on in my head stepping into Brew York tap room when I was meant to head back. I asked for a half, but they poured a pint. That isn't my way anymore: just halves! I should have refused it. Glenn has loaned me a PIP ahead of July/August so I can clear my debts from London, Winchester, Brighton, etc and head of...

Bus to Wetherby: earlier than the one I normally catch - the blessed X98 . Many people, but mostly they head upstairs and slowly filled to the brim by secondary school monsters who are always as noisy as hell - oh how I prayed for flames to spread... *** Please give me back my soul or show where it has been hidden? The one Wetherby has placed out of reach. There was no option but to 'hand it over', but never for 'safe keeping' as there is no safety in Wetherby where trolls wait on the crossing of the Wharfe, beyond Micklethwaites safer shore. My mum has had her knee replaced, but who can really care for Lola yet while she's still repairing? Two weeks until I am a goner to Tarragona and three months until I can leave behind this town to fall in on itself and be hidden for archeologists to uncover and stare in awe and in utter incomprehension... *** Last night I took to bed with a feeling of nausea from the food I had eaten: mum made a crumple pastry meat pie, which I...

Monday morning. I had a quiet afternoon. I listened to the preface, introduction and part one of chapter one of ACIM, again, it was surprisingly fresh to hear it once again. I played complete attention to it for an hour until I sought sleep and it was a good night's sleep. Intentionally I'd left the Course's lessons, which I had followed from the 1st January up to and including the 31st of December. Almost six months gathering dust and my mind was desperate for its rhythms and devices to bring me back out of the doldrums. It definitely works for me so I am beginning it again. The text first, obviously, then the lessons: I am so incomplete spiritually that I still haven't really attempted the Manual for Teachers... I am not in any position to be a teacher of anything spiritual... But one day? I've been away from the Text for more than a year so it's had time to settle in my long term memory. As usual I began seeing the swirling patterns in my mind's eye - lik...