A rebel without a clue.

Lola makes me happy, epecially at 5:30 am as she crawls into the single bed, stretches out by my side and we snooze on until around 6, keeping each other warm. It's a memory which keeps me afloat wherein I would've gone under many times during the darkest days of this black dog. As I stretch awake I give her a smile, cuddle and place a kiss upon her beautiful head while I dress to launch myself at another day and another way. *** Whenever and wherever I go there are particular objects which I require to make me feel I'm setting off in a satisfactory manner. Whether or not I use every item packed orderly and specifically, for various occasions, in the vintage Karrimor (Jaguar S65 KS-100e SA L) I bought off of eBay, they're all stored safely. All these items go into it so that I feel safe switching off all unnecessary power at the mains, leaving and locking flat number 69, taking a meter reading and descending from the eleventh floor out onto Lovell Park Hill . At the top...

Tracing a line backwards, from the knowledge of Julia's passing away and my initial memories of her in my life, I can recall her being a caring diligent sibling. The 12 years between us made her seem all-knowingly bright, and someone I could really look up to, as my big sister. She was someone who responded to me and I reciprocated enthusiastically. My first memory is of being in a booth in Harrogate train station having a photo taken with Emma, in a duffel coat, sat on Julia's lap pulling faces at the awaited flash. I was probably 7 or 8 then. The photos are still around somewhere (in a box filled with memories) capturing a frozen instant of joy formed fresh from a novel experience. Julia gave me many memories like that until something inside broke and I saw a girl become a woman in pain - which was a burden too hard for her, or anyone, to carry. Mostly I will remember her sharing experiences truthfully and without malice, not absentmindedly or distracted from my need to know....

Time to kill, Killing time, Waiting until A thing good Enhances Any chance Leaving it all Behind; A merry-go-round. To dance alone Where belonging Is continuous Being.

When to depart is A time you please Those arms are Simply irrelevant But, due to conformity Of laws man-made, Ticking can weigh Grossly on nature! Unweaving truth; Threadbared; Pulling on treuws and Then ties boot laces; Without depending On intense passion To fulfill another day.

In Leeds, a city of several hundred thousand, I am often face to face with the same few people, and I don't mean those who work in the retail or hospitality trade. Like me I believe they live their lives in decreasing circuits, knowing every shortcut, alleyway, ginnel, snicket, to our advantage. Like them I rarely spend much time on the main thoroughfares and go directly to those places I feel safer than the hemorrhaging bus lanes or the bleeding queues! Leeds: for all it has to offer to the mighty majority of West Yorkshire, to me it is a brick piled desert painted vermilion, peeling and inanimate. It is no longer depressing for me, but I still attempt to shield myself from it's emptiness somehow! It is simply because my life consists of the same circles. There isn't much here so I end up trapped in these fewer options. My loop is to open the windows, on a hot day like today, put a load of washing on, adjust the metering to give me a warm bath tomorrow and then step outsid...

A broken link A cog clipped A facet dull A tooth brittle To forge anew To append too To polish stone To wear down What is the boil becoming? The disappearance of being, Clinging to a fine ledge and Slipping towards the final fall. For nothing of any substance! Gone within the tenuous air. Self worth? Aka work... It's a mystery Many fathoms deep Boredom replaced by drudgery! What is it worth? Memories are valued work, Creating trails to connect Meaning with being, And not pointless waste, (As time seemed precious?) Squandered in foolish haste.

First I ran into nothing to say, Which meant to cease scribbling; Leaving pages blank. Then I found it difficult listening So I returned the last Audible audiobook (The Order of Time by Carlo Rovelli), As it seemed to be speaking in riddles, And Star Trek(TNG) became banal Making it so... Now I've realised this tinnitus is more intense and my girth is accreting. This Covid thing is the root cause (I am sure), And my front teeth ache, As each of my "joys" are curtailed. Too much of meaningless pursuits. Grasping at straws Where nothing really matters It has no telos. Feeding dry combustibles Into a spiritless flame Where passion fades.

The Earth sighs deep relief, Yet today I am exhausted! Suffering a separate malady, While the old enemy strikes, My pointless hands grasp space, (Praying away a weapons thrust) Or I'm lost! Within a formless version, During a faint day, On hearing a formless chatter, Disregarding my soliloquy, It's back. Between the truth and the death.

We've done this to ourselves, And everything loving! Over a thousand creases woven, But not so blinded behind the Caricature, in a fantastic show! We're not fair, nor equal and never just! Inside me a battle persists Between truly being honest And lying forever to my essence And I don't know why! But I know I want it finished. Perpetual and turning back On myself relentless. Turn this scorning frown inside To display an illusion Where speaking fails. Now I feel lost again, Battling unnecessarily, An imposter, I must relieve From perculiar perch - Most predicable, and Being knocked off, Firmly and hopefully Beyond restitution.

The demon escaped the bottle last night It did it's worst, attacking those I love, For no reason other than Ego. Even while I could see this other 'me' out of control: It was like watching someone else operate My mind, without finesse, And it was perculiar to be aware  These actions and blunt words  Came from a source other than me. ... While I am trying to stay focused during these difficult times, on Tuesday the other pattern in me surfaced and blew off into the path of those, this "most angry" secondary persona, most likes to swing for. Wednesday was a day of feeling bad for the things I said, which came from a source I wish to be free from. This morning I'm awake early and the wave of attack has vanished. Phew. This isolation is going to be very tough, but it's forced me to see the flat in Little London as my home: there is nowhere to run to while Leeds Homes (Leeds Council) website is off line anyway. Currently I have a place to retreat to and be at p...

The last day of March begins With the sun cornered between Clouds and St James' Hospital And me sat in the same space Wondering when this will finish? The voices in my head are reaching Outward, from where they'd been Relegated to an occasional threat, To become emboldened by others Who always judge on partial evidence. Give me back my feet, and my Way, otherwise I will cave in And mutate again becoming lesser When all I seek is magnitude! Yet isn't it still my choice to walk? Bored of switching on the radio With it's list from panic measures, And hearsay, dropping "mights" Into the doomsaying with this Negative wassailing upward creep! Crawling back into the kitchen, Stirring, sideways, this familiar vessel, A subcontinential spicy ration, Breaking my fast, prior to One form of exercise without prejudice. Cruelly formulated in this cell, By those without a free instinct; Charmless, bland or banal. Gruel they serve up in bitter measures Isn't ...

Corona virus lockdown, on Day seven of mind control, (The state says in must be)! But something doesn't make sense To me. To become so overwhelmed - Just like so? By nothing. What is this fear Crippling us universally? Please will someone Speak truth about  What this smoke Is enveloping? And it's actual purpose Disguised. Running, With tail pointed down, From this impossibly Miniscule, but ruthless Sometime killer. Over my flat hovers, Gnat-like, Circling ready to pounce Sirens wailing, flashing Drawing our eyes Away. Just another brick Against the truth And what is coming, Really? Stalking us  When we seeded this Beginning ourselves! Building over The prison Completes. Around those free. A few casualties  Are nothing to the frequent Bombs rained down On Syria, Iraq, Afghanistan, Et cetera. In the name of no-one Human. What is it, beyond this Painful bend, They wish us to not see? It just feels like Déjà vu. And we're distracted Fools, Again!

Today was a game of two halves - During a bottle of Monastrell And picking my way  Back along the plateau, In my head, towards La Mancha. Day dreaming and drifting Too many footsteps! My brain is warped by Citra: So sick of brewing beer In such small quantities And quality might unhing me? Beer kit I was forced to sell (By the one most at risk)! All the most necessary kit To survive Corona Virus! But it insincerely Buggered off to Micklethwaite! Embraced by a Southbank middleclass Bastard! What's the good of Citra? Give me a noble hop Or a fantastic noble grape Not mind rot and pointless worry This organic vino seems OK, As the electricity went off (And I ran out on gas)! Such a silly situation, And all I want to do is walk!

What possessed you to apply? Did your friends with good advice implode? We should hang you up in chains Let you rot beside the ill-paved road Born too late for the First World War Siege of Troy was long before my time Naseby, Jutland, Agincourt Characters perhaps from pantomime Authors, sport, landlocked states Capitals of Europe and their size Breeds of dog, famous dates Kind of hoping these things don’t arise I don’t watch films in black and white The trees and flowers and birds have passed me by I’ll just guess and hope I’m right The first man into space was Captain Bligh Good luck back in work They’ll’ve heard you were on Have you got the file for Mr Out In Round One? Harken, a cuckoo! Or is it a wren? Don’t ever darken our doorstep again Truth is beauty, beauty truth All you know on earth, all you need to know Superb, succinct Pity then for you it’s not quite so Hickstead, Hickstead, Hickstead, Hickstead Duck Soup, 1933 Words beginning with K-N-O Words that end in B-H-E-A-D