A rebel without a clue.

On the corner of Albion Street and Boar Lane. Free coffee from Caffé Nero. Good morning. Draw a line under the negative me since Estaing? What is going to happen today? Mum just told me the airport in Palma has been closed due to adverse weather - heavy rain not falling on the plains of Spain - but I believe that is old news? *** Dead moods. Yes I understand dead moods. When I can not connect with anything to help me claw myself up from the flatness. 2nd time in a few weeks when I can't connect. It's LBA. It's a form of escapism. But it's never going to resolve it unless I face it absolutely head on. Although I know it's always up to me I don't think it's a thing I can chose. Cause and effect.  The world I react to is simply my projection. Voices, in waves, like a tide Overwhelm in foaming murmur; Differential drown, Approaching yet to depart  And return again; spluttering. But no words, only Suggestions, on this dead shore. From a landscape to cloud cover. ...

Tuesday, Very bad IBS. At least five visits to the toilet during the broken night's sleep. Finally climbed out of bed at 4:30am. Yesterday afternoon. Failed again. Two days of sobriety and no more. Nothing to do in the afternoon - once I arrived from the allotment in Leeds - around 13:30. So I bought some groceries and then proceeded to drink. Was I craving it or was I lonely? The loneliness receded a little in North Bar where I stayed for four bottles of beer. I'd had two halves in Brownhill and Co and two more in Whitelocks. Everywhere was pretty desolate with the rain falling along Briggate. A wet Tuesday afternoon. Excellent work in the morning with Lola. And quite a bit of stuff on the allotment. Planted all the remaining corn which I hope develop? These ones I brought back from around Leon last year on the second section of the Camino Frances. And I know I can do three days sober. Before heading to Le Puy-en-Velay I had no problem and felt I'd done something very good...

So many books. Damn you paper and ink. Glue and string. Where did you start? How did you start? What is the inspiration? Has everyone a story to tell? So many rhetorical questions. But also ones which have no meaning. How does anything start? Perhaps with perseverance and discipline. But what is the subject? Is the subject also the object? And the object an obsession. But what obsesses me in this emptiness? My state discontented.

Saturday, It's 6 o'clock. What a day. But I spent less than adequate time with Lola! On Monday she'll be busy busy busy. She enjoyed sharing my sardine pasta dish. I gave her roughly a third, in three scoop shares, before I disappeared, which she ate off the tupperware lid. Managed to cobble together a rockery with the tomatoes Maureen grew and Tony helped me deposit. There were 6, but I snapped one. And I brought two leggy looking french beans with me so I tucked them into the two gro-bags I had remaining and hope the slugs don't get to them... I put one of my own tomatoes in amongst the 5. Then I planted the Maris Piper main crop potatoes next to Andy and Ellie's plot. Just got one set to plant the coming week... Perhaps on Sunday if the weather improves? It's currently raining (it was when I hit the hay). *** Sunday, Break down is a break through? Break through to the other side... If you reach the shore before drowning? The present is a true gift. It is the ...

Monday, Cold. Blue skies. I had to close the windows and put on an extra layer in my half sleep. Coffee. Ruby is buried beneath the blanket next to me on her sofa. The birds are singing and in the distance the A1 buzzes. Monday morning... Earworms last night: bloody George Michael. My mood is low today. I feel nothing really matters ... Life is so ephemeral. It vanishes as if it never existed. It's a constant state of nothingness replacing the tiniest mote for the briefest second: Archie is no more... *** Tuesday, Ruby's by my side. The birds are in fine voice. Some cloud cover and not as cold as Monday morning. Apparently today is going to be a beautiful day? Coffee brewing 5:15am. Awake around 5am. Peaceful. Long long long day. 16:35. I am sat by the back entrance to the 'beer garden', on Scott Lane, of Bar Three (The Three Legs) with a 125ml of Rioja Campo Vejho. A lovely sunny day, but I think I have had 'hay' fever all day or concussion or something else. B...

Monday, On the 2pm X99 back towards Leeds. The one prior to WHS junk from 3pm onwards. Popped in to town around 7am for Caffe Nero, but it wasn't open so into Costa. A chapter, an espresso(£2.65) and a glass of iced water. Back via Oven Door for a small spelt loaf(£3.10) to a plate full of tinned tomatoes, tomato puree and a couple of knobs of butter on a quartet of spelt slices: splendid. Lola arrived just as I was going to have a bath. Mum's complaining my head smells... So I thoroughly cleaned myself then had a good hour, in the April showers, down through town, up Quarry Hill Lane and through Devil's Toenail to the back of the Old Railway. Stopped under the Glebe bridge to shake off the rain and then back along the Harrogate Church Fenton line. Spotted Tony on the corner of the Morrisons Garage ruffling his Barnet and muttering to his audience: it's his way. Lola didn't spot him and was happy to detour through the forecourt. Put three items on eBay which I hope ...

Monday, Awake at 5am. Went to bed fairly tired, but found it hard to relax: I felt I was under a heavy duvet which was making my body feel trapped, but I really wasn't - it's my usual duvet! I know it's in the mind, but I was suffocating ... Rain against the windowpane and a breeze. Cooler. Not spring like. Coffee brewing while I eat a few walnuts. Last night I listen to the end of Chapter 14, but I didn't 'get it'. That's the way with A Course in Miracles sometimes... Completely impenetrable! Got to focus on those questions Abby asked for me last Occupational Health session. I see her again on Friday... For potentially my final time? Wild weather for April 15th... So Lola and I had a good hour(plus) down through town and up through Crowcroft Bank, along Watersole Lane and back next to the A1. She was happy. It was muddy. I was following her as she actually knows where to walk when it's wet... Perhaps it smells a different way? She knows. Dogs are skill....