w/c 15th April.

Monday,

Awake at 5am. Went to bed fairly tired, but found it hard to relax: I felt I was under a heavy duvet which was making my body feel trapped, but I really wasn't - it's my usual duvet! I know it's in the mind, but I was suffocating ...

Rain against the windowpane and a breeze. Cooler. Not spring like. Coffee brewing while I eat a few walnuts. Last night I listen to the end of Chapter 14, but I didn't 'get it'. That's the way with A Course in Miracles sometimes... Completely impenetrable!

Got to focus on those questions Abby asked for me last Occupational Health session. I see her again on Friday... For potentially my final time? Wild weather for April 15th...

So Lola and I had a good hour(plus) down through town and up through Crowcroft Bank, along Watersole Lane and back next to the A1. She was happy. It was muddy. I was following her as she actually knows where to walk when it's wet... Perhaps it smells a different way? She knows. Dogs are skill.

Chapter 15 ACIM and it's instantly recognisable ... There is another way.

Enjoyed the meeting with Angelo Jaxon(Jackson) at Forward Leeds. He encouraged me. I think I have seen him before (I went there before - but until I walked over the threshold I didn't remember it)! I am returning a week on Thursday. Caught the number 40 to Lincoln Green and bought a few items from a international supermarket, then to Brunswick for two pints. Back to the flat for good food.

Meditation, bath and bed.

***

Tuesday,

The weather appears calmer outside. No rain. Plenty of blue sky between the clouds. Making pinto beans for breakfast - pressure cooked yesterday. Put the laundry away. Coffee. 5:15am. Woke up at 3:45am, but snoozed until just about 5. Am I going to bed too early at around 8pm? Perhaps so. But it doesn't matter... I like the sunrise.

Arrived at mum's just after 8am. Walked Lola up to Ash Dale Lane and the Copse. Playing a little hide and seek. Chilled up overlooking King's Meadows for a bit in the windy sunshine. Came back. Made tomatoes on toast. Relaxed with Lola for 30 minutes and then the allotment until 2:30. Five sets of potatoes are now buried. Walked back to mum's along Quarry Hill Lane and went for a pint @ BarThree Returned via M&S where I bought a baguette, cheddar cheese and a bottle of Picpoul - which I had a couple of glasses with watching an episode of Time Team cuddled alongside Lola, until Emma deposited Finley and Lola decided to sit on her own. Tired. Me too. Once mother came in from the garden I shifted upstairs. I heard Lola and Finley messing around which was nice. Mum went and bought herself a Chinese takeaway - but decided not to ask me if I wanted something... LOL.

***

Wednesday,

PIP day. Paid a pile of bills. All the credit cards: final time before going onto the DMP? Just poured a cup of coffee. Nearly 5:30.

Longish walk to Caffe Nero in the Market Place (Place du Marché) to be just on time as the Smoggy behind the counter twisted the key to coffee and cinnamon swirl (et l'eau dans le flacon).  One Place de l'Eglise. 7am. And I am beginning to come back to life. After that long season of SAD-ness. And five sets of potatoes ready for July.

Back to mum's to shave this beast ... Waiting for Lola. I think we'll go somewhere interesting today?

Harrogate on the X70. Getting off at Crimple Lane and walking through Crimple Valley up to Hornbeam Park and Hookstone Woods up on to the Stray. It's been ages since I had a proper day out with our lass; and I know she enjoyed it. Back on the same double decker and in the same seat upstairs looking out of the window with Lola across my thighs. 

However I drank too much. First time since last Wednesday. 2 halves. A bottle. A pint. A can. A break in Wetherby then the bus back... Off at Lovell Park and two pints in the Brunswick. Back to pinto beans, a bath and bed. Woken up by fireworks over yonder. Then slept the usual fitful manner. But no hangover... Just sleep deprived. But not exceptionally so as I was in the flat by 5:30pm. 

***

Thursday,

Blue skies. Cool. Brewing a coffee. Listening to the birds singing outside. Indeed a crow caw caw woke me from the snoozing. Not much doing today as Lola will be having a gentle stroll after yesterday's marathon. Getting my act together for the cool walk over to Boar Lane...

Reading about life in France always puts me in a good mood about going to France. I know it's character very well and I love it. Drinking my café a longe and croissant listening to the fluting tones of a discussion over Cognac before the 'workers' wander off and I, a pilgrim, wander off...

Second walk. Lola is pretty tired from yesterday: her body language. And sleepy eyes. Nice meander down the river this morning and just now around the 'block' Hallfield Lane, Montagu, Syke Road and Ceres Road to First Avenue, Walton Road, Parson's Green. Under the bridge and back through the Garden of Rest. One hour this morning and 45 minutes just now. Listened to chapter 16 of ACIM and popped over to wish Iskra well as her and the kids depart for Düsseldorf. Archie seems OK.

***

Friday,

Off back to Leeds shortly on the X98 or X99... Might miss the one due at 6:20 am and I don't need to be in Leeds until before 9 for Abby. Slept in! Woke up just prior to 6. Felt like I was coming down with a lurgy when I went to the toilet in the night.

Hurrah, I can stay in Paris, in a Dormitory, for 15€, but I have to 'pray' for the discount... I don't know what pray means. I often speak to the voice in my head(silently), but is that 'prayer'?

...

Stayed in the flat. Cleaned my bedroom and hallway. Running a bath. Will tune out shortly. Plenty of clothes washed and bedding too. The carpet in the front room is literally falling apart now. The white dust on the bottom of the vacuum cleaner is definitely from the carpet. If I flick the carpet my fingers get coated in it... The other room's carpets are OK. I'll have to get a new one with the some money in July. Ruby then. I need a raincoat, but the carpet is buggered!

...

I've been forwarding my journal to Abby, but she's not recieving it from reception in the Light Surgery. I am not sure it really matters. It's pretty tedious now... It's not something I enjoy. It's almost a routine. Like alcohol has become a routine, a habit, a seeming necessity... I am seeing her again on the 3rd. So I will continue the journal prior to the new journey.

***

Saturday,

Awake just prior to 4am. And there is no chance of me rolling over again... It's not important. I slept really well. The guy downstairs was shouting a bit early in the evening, but I don't pay attention. He's an angry man; he's hardly ever there so must display his anger elsewhere... Girlfriend's house? Coffee brewing. Hibiscus tea brewing. Want to be on an early bus. Probably the first of the day, but it's a Saturday... 6am or 7am. Need a large breakfast. But had bacon and eggs, with Lyonnaise potatoes and ciabatta yesterday. Fresh linen before slumber - it's the best. The flat was quiet(I turn off the electricity now as those fans are too loud) and clean... The kids kicked a ball against the door for a little while.

...

Just gone 5am. The sun is avoiding the horizon for just a wee bit longer. The glow is, there orange replacing blue, banded above clouds, resembling low hills, on the edge of the east: unless it's a wave of sea water encroaching to put out the fire of the current tensions. Wouldn't it be better for everyone on Planet Earth if the Middle East wasn't purged from the landscape in some biblical flood? Fighting over a desert... Man can be so childlike...

...

I have been invited to a nights Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament while staying at the hôtellerie alongside the Sacré-Coeur on the 6th of May. I can also stay in a dormitory bed for 15€ and I believe it includes breakfast. And then I can spend Tuesday getting to Le Puy-en-Velay... But I don't know what it means having only been to mass once the morning after I arrived in Le Puy-en-Velay in 2013.

There are two ways of viewing April? One is through the lens of Chaucer with its sweet showers or the other The Wasteland with it's cruel foreboding. This morning I don't know where we are in the midst of the threats from the Middle East, Ukraine, etc. The threats are legion, but they're all in my mind. As there is nothing outside my self and effect is caused by my interpretations.

...

Allotment from 8am. Pint and a half at B&B listening to genuinely phony Andy. He's plastic. He's making money. He's a capitalist... I wonder if Jason wants to meet me there? Lol. In Rooster's tap room for no real reason. The 36 goes from the other side of the estate. Next to M&S and I should have a proper bath and night's sleep. Can't sleep with Lola with mum about. Too many chances of waking her up...

But I didn't. It was one of those days. 

***

Sunday,

I've got used to the stages of the night prior to me finally getting out of bed...

The most 'precious' thing in my life is Lola, but I didn't want to be with her yesterday, even though she was at mum's and I was in B&B at the end of an exhausting morning...

Instead I caught the number 7 to The Yorkshire Show Ground and walked through it to Hornbeam Park for 3 halves, Jollof Rice, Chicken and plantain... Which was lovely. Then I walked via Tiwit Lane to The Stray - saw the cherry blossom snappers. Had three pints in The Tap, The Little Ale House and Cold Bath Brewery. At that point I was heading to catch the 36 but swerved into NB... I got off the bus in Chapeltown for two bottles of Dragon Stout in Canned Heat... Enough... It was a mistake. I suffered the usual IBS. But just consumed half a pot of live yogurt and on the second cup of coffee prior to a bath, meditation and bus around 9?

...

Walked from the flat to the bus stop on the junction of Wetherby Road with Easterly Road, with a slight detour to the dam across Waterloo Lake in Roundhay Park, then came to 42 around 10am. Sorted my body out and then my mind, after a good dog walk with Lola. Lola's just joined me on the bed. She's tired. She's happy. She's got a full belly... Yesterday was yesterday. Today I am calm. Tomorrow I will be calm. Spring is here. Nettles everywhere so Lola's walks are no longer off piste... I dipped my feet in a freezing Wharfe. Lola thought I was crazy and dashed around, but wouldn't come in... Barking frenetically.

Lola is a focal point. Those books I used to own no longer are. The stack is still large, hidden behind the sofa, hidden from view. Lola's off home soon. She's driving mum bonkers with her barking. But that is a dog's nature. She threatens to put her outside. It's sunny but cold. It feels like spring, but putting her outside for being herself would be cruel. I'll need to step up the tomato seedlings shortly but it needs to be 16°C for them to flourish; too cold for tomatoes? Don't have a go at her... She's precious!

***