A rebel without a clue.

I can't quite explain why, but I really dislike the Tiled Hall in Leeds Gallery. Maybe it is the bright light or the constant coffee echoes or the disappearing disappointing people? Coming here to be involved in something "social", but why can't I connect: the greyhaired lady wants me to fill in a form, but I feel that is a bit much; formalities. The sound is similar to the one a swimming-pool projects. People ask my name. People laugh. They are going to Morley next week ... Will I ever see the luminous. When will I overcome this barrier. It seems irrational to keep up the Illusion of any sensibility. It is an impenetrable nothing, yet it remains blocking me. And here I sit to await the toiling of a bell. How much of me wants thermonuclear war to rip it all up? Total apathy. Even the barfly buzz is banal and any odour I deport must be riddled with vile corrosion. It is Black "fucking" Friday. It has crept into the very souls of these many folks for whom I ...

Early for the next bus to Wetherby. Feel stress-less than usually. Perhaps, on the sixth day, my anxiety levels have lowered? Returning to the flat, after 2 and a half pints in Preston, a portion of chips and curry sauce from.Oakwood Fisheries and the brief trip on the number 12 from Oakwood to the stop at the bottom of Wintoun Street, there was a smell and what looked like sewage in the sink? Hastily I cleaned it away, washing down the sink, and took to bed to worry about it the next morning. These new extractor fans installed on Monday can be silenced on the mains supply box so I was undisturbed until I woke naturally at 5, rolling over again for a thirty more minutes. Getting up I did a weekly wash, made porridge, had a bath, got dressed, ate the porridge, cleaned up and departed for a Saturday morning in Leeds City Centre. There was no sign of the mess from last night and there had been a fair bit of noise on one of the floors which might've been dealing with the issue? But I w...

Friday morning. I was thinking of walking to Leeds, but mum asked me to walk Lola today and as it looks like a nice day, and I am utterly sober (and it's blue skies all the way) and I can head to the allotment if the weather keeps nice this afternoon... I've onions to implant! Fifth day of Venlafaxine and I've got passed the wobbliness and stomach churning and perhaps it's made me calm down enough to be able to lay meditatively several times a day: around three times yesterday I put the matter swamping my consciousness away free a deep peace; it is possible I was overly long off antidepressants after the summer of Wetherby and the damage it was doing to my psyche. *** Harrogate and a lot of Zoomies in the leaf litter down by the Crimple Beck below the Harrogate Show Ground. Sunshine all the way, and I was ready to go far until my left foot began badgering me once more. Four days of heavy slogging in Catalonia and nothing then one hour in England and bang - gone. So merr...

For a few days at the beginning of my time in Padstow, and before I made the effort to go back for food and a siesta (at the staff house) I dozed on the bank in Chapel Stile Field in the warm June sunshine and away from the crowds of pleasure seekers. In July and August, after the schools were on holiday, the break between lunch and dinner shift was shorter and the day was much more demanding, but I still managed to press pause in the next staff house I was assigned.

First night back in the flat since I started taking Antidepressants on Monday and when the council installed the extractor fans in kitchen and bathroom and I hardly slept due to the low level hum of the one coming through the bedroom which hasn't be culverted or had the door on the top of the wardrobe altered. I must ring them and get another date to have it sorted otherwise I definitely will be unable to sleep fully: I am just so sensitive to background noises and someone late/early last night set off a firework too... Frankly people are wankers. Between the humming of the fans and this constant tinnitus I don't know which is worse? And I forgot to buy coffee so it's tea this morning which always makes me feel slightly sickly first thing! Starting to feel slightly calmer. Less anxious and generally better mood this morning: but the sun was shining over the horizon as I departed from Boar Lane at 7am. My bowels are a bit troublesome, but it usually passes! *** Got soaked ye...

Putting the clocks back is a little difficult for me. I was awake around 5, which is 6, and I am now awaiting the sunrise in the east around 7, which is eight. Noon isn't at noon either. Mother seemed to be watching the TV into the early hours, but I guess it was no later than 11. At that point I'd been in semi- unconscious from 7. Depressed people tend to retire to bed earlier than others: or the opposite. I am definitely so disturbed by the world around that closing myself from it is the best option: bad thoughts crowd my mind before they depart and give space to true peace. The peace in sleep which is akin to death, or nonexistence. *** Where are we going? Like demented souls, clinging to something beyond our eyesight, we peer wildly into an abyss. But the magic isn't anywhere else. It's in 'nothing'. Except for this 'nothingness' we waste our lives. Nothing is all there is. However it's not a cruel fate. Better than blessed teatree lights placed ...

Where exactly is the bottom of depression(or the bottom of destitution)? Is it there a point where the rational exits entirely? Where logic breaks into too many fragments to be wholed or collected up again: like a smashed glass... Nervously I twitch at the hem of my coat. Pulling our creases forever and brushing off a dust which is out of my control. I now know I have no control over anything. Have I any free will? Freedom is perhaps such an illusion in a body I'm trapped in and a mind continually blinking. Last night I was aware of a pain. A ticklish pain in my right big toe. During mediation it occurred. As I lay there breathing in I directed my mindfulness into that section of the body as if to winkle it off, force it to abstain, cease ... it came in cycles. As many factors in the body seem to do. A timing mechanism. Something was happening in the nerves down there and I was helpless. Antidepressants. The mild feeling of a MDMA rush assailed my body and instantly I felt nause...