A rebel without a clue.

After a frenzy of activities I am sat on the sofa in the lounge. The clocks tick and Ruby breaths deeply on the edge of my awareness. Suddenly she decides to sort her bed out and pulls the throw around her. It's her way of getting comfortable: she circles into a nest and gathers the bedding around her. Maureen and Tony left me a huge portion of Moroccan Lamb Pie (a Börek I think) which fit so perfectly with the butter beans and tomatoes, I'd baked a couple of days ago, that I could burst: this morning I weighed in at 12st but it'll be a lot grosser by Thursday teatime. The French dry white wine has washed all its goodness into me and I feel I am drifting towards an early slumber. Lola is at my sister's tonight which is a relief as I'm pretty exhausted from all the doggy activities, plus doing several things for my mother this morning. Last year's Travellers have returned to the Wetherby Ings and I ponder if they ever would if it was still the mosquito marsh it o...

She's such a good girl! Our Lola laid by my side, in the strange house, all night. Ruby likes to sleep on mummy's bed so no problem with them both wanting to be with me. We got up at 5:30 and I'm waiting for Lola to begin buzzing for her food shortly. She's getting closer to 7 with me. Giving too much attention to Ruby first thing does make her a little unhappy and she clearly got between me and her just now to tell me she is the most important dog in my life. *** How to live the good life? Do I live an authentic existence doing what makes me feel whole? Or is there a hole there waiting to be filled by a truer existence than I have in Wetherby? The journey which Michael and I will undertake, the first I've ever had to step back from, and not alone to dominate, will be a possible way into authenticity? It's important to shine through this opportunity of sharing The Way - Pilgrimage. I've heard some positive news from Dulwich Parish as there will hopefully be ...

Lucozade and grapes is what we gave the infirm... To see a grey horse fall on a racecourse and to be trampled underfoot... These two are wonderful. This morning we were together all the way. Lola has taken Ruby's space and Ruby is wrapped in Lola's throw. I've come upstairs and neither can be bothered to move from their particular righteous spots, apart from one another: there is a small chance they could cuddle up to each other and sleep not so solitary! Another couple of chapters and I am done. They're still downstairs, apart and serene, soon they will both bother me to belong alongside once more?

First morning of three with Ruby and Lola. I was going to collect Ruby and bring her back here, but that would be stupid with my poor left foot. A combination of things mean I was walking barefoot in the park yesterday. So once Lola arrives we'll go up to Chestnut Avenue. The allotment will need to go to the back of the queue for the remainder of the week, until at least Friday, but I did quite a lot yesterday. Yesterday afternoon I found myself skipping through The Moon and Six Pence , which is a delightful novel, but I thought it was a story based on Paul Cezanne which is not the case. It's a narrative based on the life of Paul Gauguin... Both important Postimpressionist artists. It doesn't matter which of these two giants of the painting landscape it is a tale told about as it's nothing other than a novel by Somerset Maugham... Mother is suffering from old age: is this what happens to us all? In the end we dissolve back into the dust we came? Obviously it is! Mike su...

Another way is opening up before me: I can see it and must grasp it. The world is such a large place and I've simply got to be in it once more. Disassociation. I've not felt I am looking out of another person's eyes in a long time... and I don't think it's a bad feeling! This Leeds, this Pret , this seven to eight rush hour. This Monday of brief glances from those who have been hemmed into public transport for half an hour, an hour or several. Another working week yearning for the Carrot of Freedom. I have touched freedom and it usually sits on my shoulders, in the form of a rucksack, and distorting my tendons and bones and reminding me I am not a body! At eight I'm heading to Wetherby for four nights to dog sit for Mo and Tony - Ruby. However mum's hip is playing up now - a consequence of the new knee - so I also have Lola along for the week. Fifteen minutes to watch these comings and goings and 'people watch', a Bircher yogurt with seeds and a rasp...

Just going on seven and Lola is happily positioned between my legs. She stayed in her own bed until 6 and she's just had breakfast. Another day crisp and blue, but no rain again. A very dry month so far. My water butt is dry as a bone, luckily there is the one next to Janet and Leslie which is full to overflowing. I am going to walk up there with Lola around 8 and then head back to Leeds for this afternoon and evening. Got Ruby from early on Tuesday until Thursday so I will have two clever girls out with me twice a day for those three days. Yesterday I spent 3 hours on the allotment weeding and banking up the potatoes which are showing because it's going to get cool midweek. Went to the Brewery yesterday and ummed and arred about getting a burger. Mum had baked a chicken so I made a chicken sandwich instead as I'd already spent quite enough on beer. The final few days of April and I'm seriously short on funds until May... I do spend too much on beer. It's too expens...

Teaching Lola a new trick: waiting until seven for breakfast, regardless of how hungry she may be? She's pestered me, but now is curled up in her seat. She pawed me and crawled over me: insinuated herself quite obviously. Then she sits upright and thoughtful for a moment... As though she's learning something. She seems to be quizzical at this moment. It's an expression I like in her. Time must be very different for her to me. She's quite vocal when she wants something: whether to go outside for toilet, wants a rub, cuddle or another closeness, and when she's 'starving' she's yawny and stares directly at me. But I think I've conquered her expectation? Same too in bed. She joins me for a bit then I tell her firmly to go back to her space when we're having a 'sleep over' - there was a time when we shared a double bed, but now I put her large double duvet and smaller matress next to the single one in my old room (having removed the base of th...