A rebel without a clue.

Vitamin D and antidepressants, Vitamin D or antidepressants??? Guard dogs wish me luck as I follow tarmac and a mountain is deconstructed. What took millions of years to lay down at the bottom of some ocean (Cretaceous) is being gouged away in a few years: leaving our world behind is easily done. Taking away geology to build roads: the land laid flat, bare: featureless. *** After a fantastic "Menu del Dias" at Bar Nuevo in Orito I am happy to pay €16 for my bed in the Casa del Peregrino. My body really didn't like today. It fought me all the way. This is because I slept unsoundly in Alicante. Market Hostel is neat, but it is loud. Even when I actually hit real Spain ... Away from the Barros and the Gitanes at the end of town it wasn't quite far enough away. Then the huge operation deconstructing a mountain for its asphalt: I suppose it is dead, and is mainly made up from very forgotten ancestors, yet I felt slightly disturbed by this huge opera...

The second day in Alicante was beginning to bore me. Three times I had been to the Basilica de Santa María and there is literally no open door - which seems odd for the main church in the old town? For sustenance I've eaten some seafood by the Mercado, which did repeat on me slightly, and later on I had a simple dish of Patatas Bravas, which was all good. (Perhaps I will try once more at the Basilica or maybe early tomorrow? Do they do Mass around 7:30am? Forget it for now. Back in room 3, where the younger hostess won't turn down the air-conditioning, I'm going to try to chill a bit...) *** Pre-dawn day one. After a good night's kip I'm ready to start this thing! I'm so predictable. Once I touch down in a new town I end up worse for it, suffer consequently the next day and regret it. Happily now I have a means out of the trap of hedonism: setting myself up for the day when I will need to be clear headed to walk and pay attention to now. This morning is still. I...

I willingly ran into a barbed hedge and then both sheep and cows jumped upon my corpse: but I didn't move and was happy to suffer the end of my life. But it didn't come, while I circled around the horror of my past, my life felt cleared. Except I knew I couldn't go anywhere unto spirit without Snoops along. At the final moment unto death I was missing something. It was a while before his absence reminded me. Just as I was about to step out to infinity I decided to stand and wait: but he was already there. It was the best dream. And now we are waiting together for another soul.

Down went my sack. And quickly was made the bed. So I will leave on Thursday. I've never been to Alicante, except during a dream (perhaps a nightmare)? This room has only four beds so I expected hassles. This was not to happen as all the beds are on their own and have curtains for privacy and to bring Wednesday to a close in darkness. This evening I have seen the route taken out of Alicante so I'm sure that's it for, God knows, how long? And it does as I'm sent, like all pilgrims, out of the darkness into the brightest light  But should I stay or should I go? I will sleep on it. It's not a race, but certain things must be in place before I stubble off ... Or do they need to be? Hanging about for a weary body? It's always falling apart now so ... I will sleep on't! *** This morning I've battled with an over warm room until I couldn't take anymore. Too many Amontilladoes and the heat drenched me, dehydrated me and gave me a slight headache. By 7am I th...

This morning I decided to reduce the dosage of SNRI as I do feel calmer with this new antidepressant - which I believe I've been prescribed at least 6 months - going from 50mg up to 115mg and now reducing it to 75mg. Counselling (Emotional Support) with Marie, once a month in The Light Surgery, is also very helpful as we just talk about whatever has been on my mind and I feel our conversations have a point and not too random, even for me, or going over the same old shit. That's the key I think to personal mental freedom. It's obvious that the answer to my problems is letting the past go and to stop worrying about those things entirely out of my control - which almost everything is? In my mind, as I try to meditate, be present or be still, I can feel this pressure not willing to just go. It literally feels like something is pushing back against my attempt at being here at the point, the threshold, the tip of the arrow, in the moment, the golden forever, which is the complete...

Leeds airport is fairly silent this morning. Contrasting quite with Leeds city centre and that rush to clock in. Dropped my bags in the oversized section: 8.6kg. This time no "emergency" sleeping backups. Last time round, between Bézier and Lourdes, I carried around two kilos extra for no reason. And I returned the book I was reading, "In Praise of Slow", to Wetherby Library yesterday: I found the author quite an Ego and super middle-class: once or twice he got me, but mainly I was rolling my eyes at his constant name dropping and feeling he didn't really know that "slow" is at every level of Being. On Monday morning I saw Marie in Emotional Support for our monthly counselling session and we discussed the book by Carl Honoré. At that point I wasn't about to ditch the book, but on the journey over to Wetherby to visit my mother and catch up with Lola, Hungarian Vizsla, the book was mired in these very middle-class suburban, urban gentrification stor...

Leaving Leeds on the 757 "flying tiger" around 8:51am... Need I say more? Brief visit to the Pret on Infirmary Street to eat a little. It's the worst time of day to check in here as all the flow of white collar workers ramps up as they scurry to occupy the desk and answer emails, mail, mobile and phone calls; call meetings, go to meetings. "I won't be able to print any receipts" the guy says to every customer. "White filter, flat white, mocha ... Any hot drinks. To go. To stay. It won't be long." These barista are robots. They never change their tone or make statements in anything other than monotonicity. The lines of customers towards the door shuffle forwards to face the music, but they really are not here; with blank gaze and a brief glance they do a one eighty and retreat to the chain and ball of their postgraduate existence. BPP offers gold plated dreams and old school tie launches bamboo handled umbrella into the sullen grey sky, heading ...