Thinking in the Sky.

This morning I decided to reduce the dosage of SNRI as I do feel calmer with this new antidepressant - which I believe I've been prescribed at least 6 months - going from 50mg up to 115mg and now reducing it to 75mg. Counselling (Emotional Support) with Marie, once a month in The Light Surgery, is also very helpful as we just talk about whatever has been on my mind and I feel our conversations have a point and not too random, even for me, or going over the same old shit.

That's the key I think to personal mental freedom. It's obvious that the answer to my problems is letting the past go and to stop worrying about those things entirely out of my control - which almost everything is? In my mind, as I try to meditate, be present or be still, I can feel this pressure not willing to just go. It literally feels like something is pushing back against my attempt at being here at the point, the threshold, the tip of the arrow, in the moment, the golden forever, which is the complete zero of true existence. On the path I know it is the only true goal and my "chimp's" attempts at shaking itself back into the forefront, and turning me back into that seething mass, is waning.

The flight is noisy, cramped and utterly boring, but it really is of no importance. In the past I'd given each of my intolerances an overwhelming central aspect guiding me into my oblivion. What seemed like a kind of insane fun to fight against in my head turned into an unfunny personal hell, but now? Time to put my boots back on and prepare for landing both physically and metaphysically!

...

By taking the insignificance which I cannot tolerate in other people's actions, conversations, etc, and making it into something always there, and capable of traumatizing me, there was no escape for me as I tumbled into my insanity; twisted so my thoughts were a tornado and I really thought my mind was going to kill me.