A rebel without a clue.

No idea what was happening on Monday to make me feel so panicked. I told Matt at North I was sinking into bad depression. There is numerous separate problems that spread from Monday to Friday that are pushing me closer to alcohol oblivion at the weekend. A job, a calm peaceful flat, something else in leeds, money and some mental relief. Took to bed at 11:30 last night having taken beta blockers and Kalms. Unwound until around 12:30, but even with ear plugs in could hear the various sounds of this deafening abode. Laid turning over and over unable to turn off. Fear was in my head. However he returned along around 12:30 alone. Still I turned and rolled in a heightened state. My arms ached and pulsated. I couldn't relax them. Must've slept at 2 or 2:30am. Then awoke at 6am and I am in the hazy post drugged sleep deprived state. I feel nothing except my body is stretching and yawning and wanting to return to sleep. My earliest clear memory is being in an ill state. We lived u...

I've had one of them days. From first leaving the house with the north westerly creaking through the trees. To returning to the mess of 97. It's a cursed day. 23 May 2011 you will be infamy. I will now quit this no go. I can't maintain this unreal drifting in the tower of doom. While the hurricane spins around the banks of the Aire and beyond. Bringing brimstone and frightening ferocity that would try to remove us who are sinned against. More sinned than sinning. I have no options here.

Wow. Flaming pie. Religion. It's like a blind alley for helplessly chased refugees. No where to go but down and down to the brick wall of supposed salvation. We don't know. To believe is an oxymoron. If I believe the world is made from soiled Japanese school girls panties does this belief make it incontrovertible? Belief presupposes stupidity and ignorance and maybe a desperate need to justify an incredible thing in human terms. A revelation is a kin to trapped wind or the passing of a wet shit into the toilet of insanity. Look at the bible: it is a book. Hundred of years old, and full of the rules, ethics and morality of the human race but essentially a moral tale with lots of faith bound lessons. Enough. There is no point in justifying your existence to a book. It is written by humans, prove me otherwise. 

You see, today I am staring at utter despair. I can't see any future for me. Every thing I ever wanted is gone. I'm just plodding along without any clue what this life is all about. I sink so often that I only recover because, as long as I get over today, there isn't any further emptiness I can feel. Every thing I do is empty.

It isn't as bad as you think: it removes you from the lenders and banks various grasps. You have to wait for 6 years to get back to a positive credit rating it seems, but you are left without any anxiousness and sleepless nights fretting about bailiffs and debt collection calls. I fell for the trap of loans, credit, overdrafts and higher purchase with the promise of have now and pay later lifestyle. While my wage was scant enough to pay my debts I tried always to subsist within the luxury provided by numerous credit cards and loans while my take home was squeezed to an impossibly low level. When I was asked to leave by Coors Brewers in 2003, due to my health issues, I had huge and unsupportable debts that made my overall state of mind worse and sent me into a real break down. I started seeing a Counsellor and a Physiologist through Coors and Bupa, health care provided by work, in June and July 2003, we discussed the reasons for my declining mental state and it became apparent ...

I have decided to remove some of the uncontrollable hairs flourishing all over my shoulders and back. I feel that I am looking grizzly like the Sasquatch. I do dislike the rampant sprouting of hairs everywhere but on my head. But you're a man, I hear you say, get a hold of yourself! I'm gonna Veet myself on Thursday. The wind is gusting today, up to 70 mph, and it's whistling through the trees, it's fairly humid with it and in the distance I can hear the incessant wail of a car alarm. My tax repayment claim is sent recorded delivery. I have £500 to come back to me from 2 years of overpayment. Very useful as I can pay off the credit card; the last debt I have since my bankruptcy in 2007. It would be great to have a level playing field if I am to earn this haphazard wage while working for the city council. Interesting Saturday watched Kirk Deighton 2nd's knock up 240 in the cricket in 45 overs. Dan, Nick with his son Cameron, Scott and co. Some cide...

Old clothes. I find it hard to throw away a load of clothes from the early 1990's. I have a cabinet filled with a number of tee-shirts and jumpers I will probably never wear again and a few items on hangers that sit there looking uncomfortable and unwanted. SF mentioned the orange quilted Chipie jacket I wore to every acid hazed event from 1989 to 1998, until it was literally worn out. It is sat there in my wardrobe reminding me of other times: fond and simple times. Been in Leeds for 2 whole nights so far, a third tonight and a whole days work in a school on Friday. I'm looking forward to this as it's more like what I want to do; I think? Made an effort on the food front last night. Bought strong flour from Millies and created luxurious homemade pizza a la Leodis. Blanched asparagus spears, refreshed in cold water, slow baked santorini tomatoes, wilted rucula, buffalo mozzarella, rosemary and four cheese sauce as the base. Flawless. I offered one to Anthony, bu...