w/c 25th March including 1st April.

Monday,

On the 7am to Wetherby from Cross Stamford Street. Awoke at 5am, but during the night there was a helicopter circling around for quite some time so the night wasn't a solid kip. Pressure cooked some urid dal for dinner. Left them on the hob. On Saturday I got a urid dal spice blend from Abu Bakr so that's my tea this evening: just need some veg to add to the mix.

Just about at East Keswick and it's raining. No allotment I suppose... Unless I just take the cardboard up there with Lola? Or wait for it to clear? It's not heavy.

We walked up to the allotment, behind the junior school to Nidd Approach, through the footpath behind Priest's Hill across the little park between Aire Road and Ainsty and up the ginnel between the bungalows on King's Meadow Mews, then the wooded area to the edge of Millennium Field and then across and down Northfield Place - Lola took me for a walk. We were wet.

...

But it got heavy and persistent and my mother was moaning. So I got her prescription, Lola's food, a marked down cheese and onion pasty, some walnut halves, Emmenthal and had an espresso in Caffé Nero while reading a chapter of the humourous book by James Thurber - Thurber's Dogs -dropped off her stuff as she was feeling sad about something on FB, went back into town to get some  groceries and caught the damp X99. I am getting off at the bottom of town, but nothing good can come of it?

***

Tuesday,

The black dog is back with me once more. It's been creeping up on me since Wednesday. I've drunk heavily on Wednesday, Friday(not heavily), Saturday and now Monday. Back to yo-yo-ing and every other day of it. Mum doesn't help. He comments on Friday and Yesterday have reinforced the feeling that I matter to no one.

Recounting yesterday's session - half in the brewery tap, half in Banker's Cat, half in Brownhill, two halves and then a pint in Whitelocks and then the genie was out of the jar... In North Bar two halves and one bottle. Back at the flat all the Emmenthal then the dal. A disturbed night.

Why was mum so toxic on Monday when she was really nice on Sunday... And she was quite nice on Friday evening as I watched two episodes of the original series of Time Team.

And I am truly pissed off with myself. I am depressed again. It has been developing... And alcohol just ramps it up? Got to start with that boulder again? Coffee time. Sun rise is 35 minutes away.

But somehow I climbed out of the pit I put myself in. Walked Lola for a solid hour alongside the river, under the two motorway flyovers and up to Walton Road, where I fell over a 'sod' of grass which was sticking up as Lola and I went up the side embankment next to Parkhill. Had two slices of toast and laid down with her a little bit then forced myself to the allotment and, wow, spent 3 hours - three enjoyable hours - turning the soil. It cleared my head. And I came back just before Finley collected Lola, had a late lunch and showered and turned off - peaceful.

***

Wednesday,

5am coffee brewing.

7:30am bus. Busiest bus I've ever caught from Wetherby for ages ... 'full' of faces pressed up against windows; silently screaming ... Get me off this blasted bus! I got off at Cross Stamford Street.

Took more books into Leeds, came back to allow the electrical engineer to replace the meter with one which links properly with my new supplier. Then ate lunch and chilled before a nice walk. 

...

I am drifting away from this recount of daily nonsenses. I've just been out walking the various ways behind Quarry Hill and I am nearly sober in NB, but I didn't buy cheese and I have the remainder of the Dal left. I bought blueberries.

...

But life here is absolutely banal. I don't know what I was looking for from the group of walkers in the Duck & Drake, but the response of 'how many miles have you done?' sapped me of all care for all walking groups - twats. They were walking in Wetherby (which is shite for walking), but had not heard of the Ebor Way(between Helmsley and Ilkley via Wetherby) and didn't go for 'an end of walk' pint in shitty LS22... And looked at me as if I was an alien. Asking me how many miles I'd walked. I've reached the end of the line here ...

***

Thursday, Maundy Thursday,

Awake just prior to 5. Not a terrible night's sleep. But not perfect. So it isn't cheese disturbing my rest. But the chillies in the Dal did so I fed the remainder of it to the birds this morning.

Coffee and Free Thinking. 5:30am. Two bananas, the remainder of the blueberries and half a pot of live yogurt: things which return me to sanity... I do hope the birds enjoyed the left overs of the Dal?

Maundy Thursday. The end of Leeds until Tuesday at the latest. A break from the monotony of the pattern I put myself in. Been back from Portugal/Seville since Ash Wednesday. It's ages ago... The allotment is looking good though, the potatoes are chitting nicely and broad beans and peas are showing themselves in the various locations I put them: the wonder of nature? Some which I bought from Touchwoods haven't shown at all, but the Bigga peas have(what Janet Dudley said is correct) I just hope they are not dwarf peas... But it doesn't matter if they are?

I think I am going crazy.

Good day with Lola. No allotment, but sorted out some seeds and watered everything. It's a blustery day. Feel bad about falling off the waggon. Not going to MCR on Tuesday: too dangerous. Need to be more focused for Forward Leeds in Seacroft on Wednesday. Too much money spent on it last week. So not got much left out of the £100, for looking after Archie this long weekend (he's not well though so more of a focus) £40!!! and the allotment if there is a little sunshine? I am a mess. This is what happens when I lose the path: the path is the destination. But Lola's asleep on my thigh so life isn't so bad? But I need curing of this disease? So much health, wealth and time wasted on it. Having a coffee at mum's. Not spending anymore money today.

***

Good Friday,

No alcohol yesterday. Visited Archie, picked up the keys; the bad news he hasn't long left before he goes over the rainbow bridge (so sad). I am taking over at 7:30am. I'll give him all my love. All my loving.

Looking everywhere outside for inspiration, but it's always inside me!

***

Saturday,

I gave him all day. OK we went for some beers later, but he wouldn't let me leave! Hilarious. But then I came back had dinner, watched two episodes of Time Team and drank wine... 

We walked to the allotment, I forgot my keys but left Andy's container, and he laid happily on one of the covers: dry and in the sun. He enjoyed the sunshine yesterday. It rained too, but we managed not to get caught in any downpour. He's by my side. I heard him snoring in the night. He was calm. He seems a little sensitive around his ribs so I am caressing him elsewhere. I love him. Is that enough?

Out pace was relaxed. Half my normal walking rate. It's OK. It's not my weekend. The birds are in full flow chirping outside the window of Archie's on North Street. Spring is here? Nearly. Some chill is still in the wind... 

I am at my mum's next to Archie on the sofa. He seems a little different today. He slept well, but he may be in pain. Maybe I didn't help him yesterday with sunshine, etc, but he seemed happy. I think he's asleep again. He was fighting it: keeping his head up. But I think he's in a dream world now? He's chasing something...

We came back for lunch and a siesta. We'll go out a bit later. I am horizontal and so it Archie.

Nice afternoon with Archie, up to the millennium field and via mother's, back by five and Archie wolfed down his chicken. It was spring-like. In bed for 6. No worries.

***

Easter Sunday,

Washing some towels. Having a coffee: it's 6:30am(clocks went forward) Archie is by my side. Blue skies once more. Will they last? Mum has Airbnb-ers, and no Lola, but she'll be up early as I know she can't relax with guests. Going to do some of the potatoes up on the allotment... They need to be done by Tuesday... First earlies. I must stay sober today! MUST!

Did two rows of potatoes and a set of onions. It's still a bit heavy the soil, but the chits needed planting.

But I didn't stay sober. Luckily I opened the bottle of wine, but unlike Friday, I only sniffed the bottle... It's virtually full this morning, but I ate ice cream and had a bad night's sleep. I still was actively attentive to Archie all afternoon and evening.

***

April Fools Days,

And I am reaching the bottom of myself once more. All that I love I am destroying. It's inevitable. I can't control myself. What was meant to be a couple became 6 pints; once more. True I ate well for breakfast and for tea, but, as I watched some more episodes of Time Team, I was devouring vanilla ice cream. I feel broken. On Wednesday I will be desperate for Forward Leeds to lock me away!

Having a coffee, paracetamol and ibuprofen. It's 6:30am(5:30am).

7am out with Archie. Raining gently. Not seen a soul. It's 6am in old currency and a Bk Hol. Archie doesn't love the rain. But we're having a steady hour.

Back for breakfast then meditation then over to walk Lola for 45 minutes and back to chill for the afternoon after Archie's lunchtime walk down to the river - he wanted to go into the pubs again but I put my foot down! We're back at my mum's waiting for Archie's paw-rents. Cleaned the toilets, sinks and kitchen. Put the recycling out. Left it as I found it ... A bit chaotic because they're moving back to Germany shortly. Just eaten a bowl of kidney beans. Feel better. Cup of tea