w/c 26th February

Monday,

Awake at 5. Solid night's kip. Birds singing as spring approaches. No money from the council. No money until Thursday. Got a ticket to return to Leeds this afternoon/early evening as I didn't use it yesterday. Toilet. Can't return to Wetherby until Thursday morning anyway.

Podcast - Free Thinking/On the Silver Globe. 6:10. Second coffee.

A gulf opens between Portugal and England. The island drifts away from the continent for the time being... I am on my own and must content myself in the pitiful raft with the voices of division. We are in a land dividing itself like never before. Whatever happened to unity in the United Kingdom...

Porridge. Not yet 7am. Blue skies. Should I go to the allotment first and do Lola this afternoon...

Picked Lola up from Emma's. Walked up to Mark Lane in Kirk Deighton and back to mum's via Quarry Hill Lane.

Went to the allotment at 10. Went for two pints and two chapters in town. Had a tin of mushroom soup and took Lola for her second meander: to the river via Horsefair and Touchwoods then back via Raby Park, The Quarry and Sandringham Park. It's nearly 6pm and I am waiting for the next bus to Leeds(back to the flat)and it's late; it's the loneliest journey I know. Lola and I sat side by side up the top of Raby Park looking down to Wetherby.

Bath and bed. Asleep by 8.

***

Tuesday,

Something reversing woke me up around four and I rolled out of bed at 5, but there is no time. It's an illusion. The birds are whistling as a motorbike flies passed. Put on some black turtle beans in the pressure cooker for breakfast. I've one packet of white corn tortillas left. Still no money from the council. Down to 97 pence. What should I do today...

Walked down to Albion Street/Boar Lane Caffé Nero for a double espresso and a chapter - borrowed again. Grocery shopping. Pint in Whitelocks and half in NB. Dear Prudence. It's a dead Tuesday. Please give me more rope so I can hang myself.

Back to the flat for a late lunch. Korma from a jar. Awful, but was free. Jazzed it up with dates and bananas. And failed at rice for the third time in succession... That's not like me! Too wet. I've not done that with rice since University...

Loneliness. Had to speak to someone so called mother. Lola's staying tonight so I can go over in the morning and have a lovely day in Wetherby. It's too small to be lonely. Leeds is anonymous.

Put some more books to one side to drop off at a charity shop. Not Cancer Research again as they don't sell books... Just clothes!

7pm. I found myself crying to myself before I spoke to mum earlier. I am so distant from people. And now I am getting distant from her as well. How do I turn my life around. On new year's eve I prayed life would change for the better. But I just feel old and pointless, but sober.

The end of Tuesday.

***

Wednesday,

As we are approaching the end of February I was reflecting on what I was thinking/feeling at the end of December. Guess what? I'd completely forgotten what I was telling myself... How easy it is to overlook those promises I made myself once I got caught up in my head and it's fallibility... Well I reflected yesterday on my moving forward and realised I took more steps backwards.

It's time to start again. Reflections...

Coffee and podcast. It's 5:30am. Oh the meaninglessness of it. A siren sings its melancholy song along North Street. Waiting for the sun. Going to Wetherby around 8am...

Go go go. Just sorted all mum's unused credit cards. All cancelled and paid her balance on the Sainsbury's CC. Two pairs of boots in the recycling. Salomon. Not worthy of me... Had to purchase a new pair as all I have are knackered, and the Haix work boots are too heavy! Just left Lola. And sorted the turntable. It doesn't need a new stylus after all... Nice piece of kit that Pioneer...

Andy and Ian, and Brendan, for a couple of hours until I came back for tea. Lola's staying. Made out den for the evening and turning in as the news flashes on the screen.

***

Thursday,

Lola's by my side on the sofa. Coffee. Listening to a podcast - Ian Hislop and humour. He's a good sort who has a very long funny bone...

... She's begging for food. Just before 6. I'll be in trouble for giving in to her pleadings... But she always returns to bed afterwards so it's something she must do when we are up at my time. I miss our early mornings. I recall during lockdown, when I had COVID, I was taking her out at dawn to make the most of it (I didn't feel bad). Christmas 2020.

Allotment until noon. Collected printed return form from Tony and Maureen and then went for a pint. Well a half, a pint and a half. Read a chapter (Rugby) of Watling Street and returned to mum's to collect my stuff and head back to Leeds. Had a pint while I waited for the X98. Returned to Leeds, via a toilet and a half in Oakwood. Caught the 12 to the Corn Exchange. Had a half in Brownhill, had a pint and half in Whitelocks, had a bottle of Orval in FoH, had a bottle of Kernel Stout in Bundo and had a pint in Tapped. Had something to eat in Wasabi, bought bread and bits in Sainsbury's. Back to the flat.

***

Friday,

A bit of a stomach upset... The result of too many biscuits before bed. Coffee. Washing clothes and podcast. 5:30am.

Walk walk walk. Picked up new boots. Dropped off some books to charity. Back for lunch. Around 1. Siesta. Walked up to Chapel Allerton looking for chitting potatoes at Lidl. No luck. Had a couple of halves up in Chapel Allerton and bought some groceries. Walked back through Chapeltown and discovered Canned Heat and had four beers while listening to a Brazilian folk instrument being learnt. Entertaining... Back and finished of left overs from lunch. Sardine pasta sauce and pasta.

***

Saturday,

Coffee. Podcast. Heisenberg's uncertainty principle... I am uncertain I comprehend anything they have said for the duration of the programme. I left Physics back in the 3rd year and have no memory of anything other than the chaos in Miss Hay's class... Indeed the class was so unruly that the effect followed me to Australia and into Maths from then onwards. It's barrier. Something in the way. A blockage. Am I a blockhead... With humanities I am fine, with Chemistry/Geology/Biology I am fine. I grasp them. I can hold them wholly in my mind - the concepts - but Physics and Mathematics are behind a closed and barred portal...

Walked down to Caffé Nero on Albion Street Boar Lane and waited for my bus. Got off in Wetherby and walked up to get Lola and took her for a long hour. Before the heavens opened. Come out to change my book, drop off some socks in the clothes bank and collect some cardboard from Touchwoods. Had a half, but I don't need it. My body tells me. Time for a coffee in B&B. Long Black. LUFC on the box. Not for me. Tired. Had another rest. Then collected some coffee grounds and corrugated cardboard from B&B in the downpour. Watched three episodes of a historical lecture on the Black Death and it's aftermath. Very educational. Mum's gone to the Jazz night in Boston Spa so I've put the washed up crockery and cutlery away and am turning in. It's 7:30pm.

***

Sunday,

Good morning. Good night's sleep. No interruptions. Not one, and I didn't hear mother return for the Jazz night. It's six. Had an episode of Word of Mouth, but it's only half an hour. So a second. It's a pill - taken two. And just made a fruity, cinnamon and cardamom porridge containing a banana, currants, dates and lemon zest. Enough for two days. Added three, it's always three, spoons of live yogurt. Getting prepared for the allotment. Walking to Leeds is for another occasion...

All morning digging. I still haven't found the way out of this world... Pint of Guinness too expensive. Life is too expensive in England. Those on the margins are being marginalised. It's time to plan a heist...

***

It always comes back. On Saturday I was calm and chilled and happy. On Sunday morning I was calm and chilled and happy on the allotment. Back I came to Leeds and it came back again. Now I regret yesterday afternoon. True, I met up with Nick, and his son Jake, randomly in Whitelocks as I was about to head back to the flat. I didn't want to be alone. Lola arrived after I got back from a pint of Guinness in Wetherby, but I left her to catch the number 7. There is nothing here - she is everything good about me. But I was looking for something in the bottom of a glass. Nick told me Adrian has been a year sober and I am truly happy for him, but I am also very jealous of the ability. He saw It and stepped back from the ledge. I am still dangling over it... For how much longer?

On Saturday I had a lovely walk with Lola around the Ings and through Raby Park just prior to Finley picking her up. I slept deeply and soundly after I decided to turn in. Mother came back but I heard no noise. I awoke to the noise of bird song and stillness. The morning on the allotment was stillness. I could've stayed by Lola's side, taken her out for a nice afternoon walk then set off back to Leeds, but then I wouldn't have bumped into Nick. Since he's moved to Harrogate I've seen nothing of him really and he's a person who understands me... So perhaps it was a good thing to see him and drink too much?

I did have a couple of sardines, onion and cheese sandwiches - I can still taste the raw onions...

Time for coffee and to build the sand castle again? Monday is here. A day to myself in Leeds. No alcohol. Quiet. Stillness. Then back to Wetherby, Lola and the allotment on Tuesday as I can stay over at mum's. She's got a hospital appointment on Wednesday morning so ...

Four weeks until Easter Sunday. 28 days. April in 29. The moon is half a lemon slice in the morning sky. To the south east, waiting for the sun. I've those clothes to take to charity which will clear away all the things in the flat I wanted rid of. I still have too many books and too many clothes. I've records sat doing nothing. I bought a record, but it's still in the shrink-wrap and mailer... It'll stay like that forever. It's something I don't need. But on a whim bought. I don't know why either... It makes me skint. I am down to virtually zero. How am I ever going to get my head above water... How many times have I sunk into debt since I started university in 1992. I don't value it enough. I spend it on things which have no value. Clothes do not make a man. I can't control myself. What is wrong with me? 

The Camino has vanished and I am back in the horrible place. The place where I surround myself in terror. Where I get anxious. Paranoid and lonely... And now I am picking my face again.

***

I have a 60 day Breathing Space with my debts... Spent the morning filling in the form online through StepChange.org and just taken more items to charity.