A rebel without a clue.

The impression of white, which is also an expression of light, on the psyche: as I starred on the monotony of yesterday's grey and opaque clouds there was a brief visual halo hanging in the southern sky. The sun, being brightly whitened behind the thick cover of the rain clouds, made me wonder if there is a similar spectacle on Venus, as it lays shrouded beneath a dense covering of sulfuric acid? ... A snow covered landscape makes all the anger disappear as the 'ten thousand things', banging about in the mind, are hidden below like the buried subconscious - for a moment the burden of thoughts is forgotten. On this plateau I write a blank script and blink back tears! Oh joy to let all trouble be whitewashed and forgot... Please! Not to pounce back, rip open, furious and unforgiving, the badly written page - crossed, scribbled and scrunched up, which glares off a page most malevolent!

Escaping from Wetherby and Leeds since Madrid (walk) in December and Cartagena in February (holiday) has been next to impossible with numerous health issues, lack of funds and little motivation. Pain in my left foot and right knee, partial blindness in my right eye from a cataract and too much alcohol poisoning my body are becoming everything, or were ... Last weekend, for mum's 80th birthday, we went and stayed in a cottage on the coast at Whitby which allowed me to venture outwards once more. Luckily the weather was good, after sunshine and showers on Friday afternoon, for two solid days walking. On Saturday Lola and I went north along Upgang Beach and up at Sandsend to Mulgrave Estate for around 10 miles. Lola loved the experience and we shared a banana cake at Wit's End before catching the bus back to the cottage. On the evening Lola and I stayed in while Emma, Finley and mother went out to eat. Lola was pretty tired on Sunday so, after I'd taken her for the usual hour,...

We are heading towards spring, in a stuttering fashion, with some cool days - a bitter northern wind and consistent showers yesterday and Saturday put me off heading to the allotment, and today mum has a date - first for ages as I think she's getting lonelier as she approaches 80? Her friendships seem to be thinning out? As a perennial loner I've never really been concerned about being on my own most of the time. In my youth I couldn't understand why I was always left to oneside, picked last(or not at all) and never asked for my feelings, opinions or justifications ... ... I've had little to report for the preceding couple of wintry months ... Now, as we approach Spring, I had a morning where I just couldn't keep killing myself slowly - I have realised, since whatever broke in my mind, quite apart from what's happening in the body, that for the preceding 10 years I've been a slow death - a suicide through wanton destruction of being. How foolish I have been?...