post-Easter. Risen?

Self control. Positive freedom.

So often am I out of control of what is best for me, but, as if looking through a fog, I see it not. Something inside takes control of my best self-interest and de-rails it. Some days I clearly see that I have lost control and start again from a zero point: a line in the sand. Then I step forward again trying to resist the pitfalls I put on the road I am on.

Just over one week ago I returned from Limoges and the brilliant self-control required to walk and walk and walk, regardless of my wishes just to sit and give up, crying 'am I mad?' But then I return and, as though I have earned a little self destruction, fall into a banal meaningless cycle of badness. The part of my brain which I have released from the badness sees it's opportunity to become wreckless. Since that Sunday I have returned to wrecklessness, and I just can't live a life this way! It effects all my relationships, poisoning them at the root and the leaf.

Yesterday I walked back to Leeds, via Wike, Shadwell, Roundhay and Gledhow Valley, and headed into Chapel Allerton, to buy some items from the large Co-op which exists there, and I went to a couple of bars, but I didn't buy any cheese and I left after a couple of darker beers to catch the bus just after 5.

This morning I awoke without the stress of a broken night's sleep, having washed my clothes before I went to bed, because I remembered what I should not do to my body.

Easter is over, and Lent too, for another cycle and I must go on. Mother seems a little better due to her knee operation, as she was working in the Garden most of the warm BKhol weekend, although I upset her with thoughtless actions on Friday night, when I returned from the Brewery and ate all the coleslaw she'd bought for yesterday's party. She didn't make it, but she valued it highly.

This week, this short week starting Tuesday, I have to make reparation with her and my sister, again. Pilgrimage makes me a little arrogant because it's some 'mighty' achievement and I get righteous - blast my arrogance. It ended yesterday. Now I build up again to London on the 4th May.

The Society of Saint Francis in Southwark are allowing Mike and I to stay overnight there. At around £35 for half pension it's a good price for central London. Once we're together, Mike and I, we'll need to plan the 5th. The target for the first day leaving London towards The Pilgrim's Way, before we head West and go to Winchester, will be somewhere near the Surrey Hills.

This will be the first time anyone has walked with me on a long distance pilgrimage...

... Walking into town, down Albion Street, and walking into Caffé Nero was like it didn't exist until that very instant. Peakaboo? All of what appears to exist doesn't until my presence. All of the Universe is my existence. Surreal. Particles clumped together with gravities attraction. Nothing can convince me that anything exists beyond perception. Some conjurers trick. Abracadabra.