February 6th

-

The Ego pits illusions against truth to such an extent that even my perception of presence is flawed, indeed false. I cannot witness to presence here. The illusion is a projection outside the Oneness. Try as I might being present is not possible outside until it occurs naturally inside. To see the Real World is only possible once the illusion has been revealed for the imposter it is. It came to me that every action is only a reaction to the illusion. Stillness is still an illusion, as that too is a projection.

A couple of days remain of the longest waiting game I set myself. The clock ticks relentlessly but from Monday I will leave time on the train leaving sunless Leeds ...

And palmeres for to seken straunge strondes To ferne halwes, kowthe in sondry londes

Final visit to Hebden Bridge for a while, perhaps I will return to that Course group once France returns south in my mind. Yesterday I realised nothing at all matters here - not even walking makes any difference. It is only a means by which to study the Course on another byway. I am starting to grasp the deeper meaning of the Lessons, but if I struggle with one I remain with it until I am properly focused on it - no body distractions.

On Thursday I saw a new GP in the Light Surgery and I have enough antidepressants for 28 days from Thursday so I have to be tucked up in bed in Lovell Park Grange on 2nd March evening. This feels the right way to get to spring - cleaned mentally and physically. Back in Leeds I hope I will be able to volunteer for the hostel opening on Kirkgate and bring what little I learnt at the YHA to something I've always desired to have in Leeds as my own venture. Maybe I am not responsible enough to run a social business enterprise on my own - I lack the wit!

Come to Cielo for its chilled atmosphere and excellent coffee before counselling. The final six bananas are prepared for another rye banana bread which I will take on the journey to Southwark. And I've also a Thai Red Curry that I'll take down south to eat for my evening meal. I need two containers for a supply of GORP savoury and sweet. Nuts and stuff!

Had a couple in Brewdog Leeds last night. And one in the Brunny on the way back to the flat. It's all good! Not to let it take me over. Their "Adopt a Bastard" is a good effort but only two halves otherwise drunk Daniel! Not the good Daniel. It interferes with serotonin uptake?

From Lesson 44 (God is the light in which I see) I truly saw a light beyond the other thing and it was very uplifting. I could bring this awareness into my focus in an instant and it remained viable this morning too. I meditated on it before ablutions. Such a relief to know that something undeniably true resides inside me that I don't have to search for outside where nothing is!

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

An Essay.

-
Introduction. My name is Pilgrim. I walk through this life much as I walk through my allotment – a space I often describe as disorganized, yet to me, it feels profoundly holistic. I don't fear wasp stings; I stride through nettles and thistles and brambles, finding a curious interest in the cut skin, a quiet control over the bleeding. I have no fear of the dark or the unseen. What truly disturbs me is the chatter, the small talk that ripples through existence, obscuring the profound truths unfolding before our very eyes. I prefer chaos to order, perhaps because the imposed order I witness around me feels so deeply, fundamentally false. I literally eat things along the path, unbothered by what others might deem unsafe, for my perceptions lie far beyond the superficial. I’ve come to see this world as a grand, unsettling performance, a "game" played at the highest echelons, designed to "manage the populace from cradle to grave." It's not a conspiracy in the nea...
Read more

France is ... a powerful antidepressant

-
I have to resuscitate a dying sense of spirit and enthusiasm into my present as I have become detached from the real joys of my life. No reading, no writing; no contemplation. Even now I am tempted to throw down the device and forget it, but why - because it's a dead end... Surely I can stay here a little longer until something infinite moves within and without? *** As I sit on Ruby's sofa/bed and listen to the sounds of spring, with the gentle murmuring of the pond at the bottom of the garden and the distant hum of the A1(M) I am aware of the distance growing between what I truly love and what I am become; in despair. Oh the alcohol fuelled me. The forgetful me. The desperately lonely me. The one I've cordoned off for the world to see. Ruby is happy with me, Lola is happy with me but I am unhappy with me simple as I am - Mother Nature's son: tranquil and unimpeded by mental noise... Knowing the truth will set me free, but being forever unable to accept it entirely. It...
Read more

You and I.

-
Are we joined, you and I? When I sit squished up, alongside thee, It seems we are: Dog and boy Man and mutt. A symbiosis between homo and canid, A combination of smells, swells and warmth, which is rarely malignant. What a lucky man I've been, knowing  She's going to rest assured and easy, These last many years, as we both Age gracefully and greying towards separation; where the winds blow us  Disparate, sometimes warm and often Cold, back to the single I; alas! No more the we. She of a gray face, And I an ashen shadow, But always brighter  Than a swarm of photons, Alighting a while, Out of their cosmic array...
Read more