February 1st

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Some people are true examples of courage. Those who live without the safety of a cave aka a home. The homeless who shelter in doorways from the bitter sting of misfortune. Usually stuck in addiction and hopelessness. These are emblems we need to be aware of before we say I want more. Less is more. Giving is receiving. Knowing no scarcity or lack is something we were given before the system attempted  to warp our truth into conceit. See through the system it isn't there.

It is Monday. There my brothers go: constructing yet another raft of perceived vengeance adrift on the barren ways, where lonely flotsam twists in the breeze. It will not save you from this desolate shore as the promised land is an idea and ideas are always within. You have protected your route home with obstacles and mazes but it is still there hidden amongst the briars.

No. This is not it. This is not what I meant at all.

Maybe I missed something in my later years but I don't yearn to wear any token of tribal identity. That left me when I took off my Liverpool shirt in 1999. Before then I was part of a cohort I really never felt meant anything. Now I don't miss not knowing any result of any fixture. The other extreme of this was in Perth, WA 1987-88. There I subscribed to a weekly magazine with all results, commentaries etc from all divisions in the English and Scottish league and in my folly I thought I could be more by following a team in every division ... We left England for a better life, but I carried the burden along every avenue because I forgot how bad my life had been in England. The fly in the jar tries to leave the bitter sweet behind, but that is not possible if you think that is all there is.

This morning I have an appointment with Forward Leeds which is the new service provided by the NHS for addiction and all its related paraphernalia. Another assessment. If they offer me some counselling service I have to drop Saturdays at Phoenix Wellbeing as it is not advised to see two psychiatrists who may have conflicting methods. It has taken me a few months to click with that service. But I trust the system to help me see the value I do have. Even if I am bonkers I can be happily insane?

...

A mammoth battle in my head last night, which was routed by dedicated concentration on the breath. The Ego was shoving its presence at me - it was very persistent. All kinds of doubts, fears and threats were rolling across my thoughts. The very push of this force is overwhelming when it occurs, but I simply don't want those bad patterns. It is so obvious they do me no good so why would I create them? So intense was this conflict I've broken out in acne. Which may be the external representation of an inner struggle? A chemical imbalance. It always returns to the breath. The first conscious breath, then thirty minutes of only that behaviour results in seeing a way passed this treacherous villain. Always at the edge of my consciousness I can feel it trying to come back into the centre of view. But I keep my guard. Deep and slow goes my breath. No hurry to repeat the inhale when the Ego is frantic it might be suffocated.

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