Cause and effect

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A spectacular week of unbelievable ups and one unbelievable down. But I did it all to myself.

Three days of bliss - Walking through Leeds purposely saying Good Morning to all the people i passed, meeting a fellow student of A Course In Miracles, an amazing deep breathing mediation (in my cell) twice, a few pleasant conversations with strangers, another excellent counselling session followed by the second Zen Sangha in Leeds Unitarian Chapel, Mill Hill. Then snooker, pool, darts and chess up at the Brudenell on the afternoon and into the early evening. Walking home through the snow still wishing everyone good day!

Then ... becoming a mindlessly stubborn drunk by the end of the evening. I repeated the same pattern of behaviour which seems an established part of my post adolescent self - an emotion out the bottom of my very soul - when I forget I don't need alcohol to be happy! It has taken me two days of this bottoming out depression to see that I allow the other side of me to overwhelm the good vibes too often - those being developed by a combination of different treatments are never given the time they require.

Being ejected physically, two bouncers carried me out the front door, from North Bar left me in tears walking down North Street heading home to 69. Then to add insult to the situation I wrote an angry message to the guy behind the bar. As a result of my cause the effect is I am barred from this establishment - which might be the 'wake the fuck up' slap I need? I refused to leave when I was falling to sleep at the bar - I claimed to be meditating!

But it never lasts. I return to this barren landscape weekly. Why can't I leave it behind me and be the other person I am in innocence?

Last night I broke out of ruminating on the result of my continual disasters. It took me a long session of praticing presence, A Course In Miracle and cultivating inner being. Today Lola and I walked to Collingham in peace and serenity.

Soon I will see a another counsellor to do with my alcohol issues and if he recommends rehabs ...

Really I did begin to feel like a new person last week. Must return there at once.

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