Saturday: Nijmegen (slight return)

No you don't need to just pretend for anyone and I know a child is all you're together for: no option but conforming to a church bell; marriage.

Two amazing twenty one year olds for whom my flesh was searing. Claudia etc. Samson is a fantasy in Nijmegen I was unprepared for tonight even when Evelien took me there beyond hope. Last night I never managed to source the Hemel but a brew of theirs is propping me up next to these fine breasts upon a sloping stool. The Waal is just over there so its water will clean away every sweat I've kept to myself since Leeds.

I came here to finish and to understand it, will I?

As I lay warm and cosy in this new clean bed it becomes obvious I now need to look beyond the rigid structures of my ways. We can do anything; I will do anything and give even if/where I don't receive.

This time I am on holiday - I think that's the word. Travelling for me seems a form of occupation and isn't a break from the normality. It seems to me that the nine to five head bleeding, back breaking, ball aching route was something for which my purpose never was. Some people find total happiness and fulfilment with employment - they would quickly freak at the simple day to day unknowing I would always nurture. Perhaps the strain of Friday might have sent me untenably stressful and insanely desperate but I don't see this chaos as frightening; I always ride its crests accepting the different swells and surges calmly: in the now.

It is a warm bed and I could wrap my arms within the supine shape I still imagine to see here.

From today I will format my mind and return to an empty volume and begin connecting not disconnecting; be one, whole and all.

The route of the Jakobweg through Köln towards Aachen begins from Steinhaus Abbey in Beyenburg. This is perhaps the way for me? From Monday so perhaps there is a Relais or some similar for me to seek on Monday night?

If the money stretches then I have nine days Fluoxetine to help me flourish in this magnificent year.

Right, cleansed, now I am going to seek romance by the Waal, as it speds passed towards the North Sea.

A miniature Orthodox Jew passes me off Oude Haven - a character from so many second world war ghetto images. Has so little changed to stand here now but never seeming to awake from those damned scriptures. If there is no real change then the past will repeat it is just a matter of time. Reincarnation is our inability to be truly now.

An hours walking along the Rhine recalls Linda and our journey towards Santiago then my attention turns to body and health matters: breakfast.