A rebel without a clue.

Lola makes me happy, epecially at 5:30 am as she crawls into the single bed, stretches out by my side and we snooze on until around 6, keeping each other warm. It's a memory which keeps me afloat wherein I would've gone under many times during the darkest days of this black dog. As I stretch awake I give her a smile, cuddle and place a kiss upon her beautiful head while I dress to launch myself at another day and another way. *** Whenever and wherever I go there are particular objects which I require to make me feel I'm setting off in a satisfactory manner. Whether or not I use every item packed orderly and specifically, for various occasions, in the vintage Karrimor (Jaguar S65 KS-100e SA L) I bought off of eBay, they're all stored safely. All these items go into it so that I feel safe switching off all unnecessary power at the mains, leaving and locking flat number 69, taking a meter reading and descending from the eleventh floor out onto Lovell Park Hill . At the top...

Tracing a line backwards, from the knowledge of Julia's passing away and my initial memories of her in my life, I can recall her being a caring diligent sibling. The 12 years between us made her seem all-knowingly bright, and someone I could really look up to, as my big sister. She was someone who responded to me and I reciprocated enthusiastically. My first memory is of being in a booth in Harrogate train station having a photo taken with Emma, in a duffel coat, sat on Julia's lap pulling faces at the awaited flash. I was probably 7 or 8 then. The photos are still around somewhere (in a box filled with memories) capturing a frozen instant of joy formed fresh from a novel experience. Julia gave me many memories like that until something inside broke and I saw a girl become a woman in pain - which was a burden too hard for her, or anyone, to carry. Mostly I will remember her sharing experiences truthfully and without malice, not absentmindedly or distracted from my need to know....

Time to kill, Killing time, Waiting until A thing good Enhances Any chance Leaving it all Behind; A merry-go-round. To dance alone Where belonging Is continuous Being.

When to depart is A time you please Those arms are Simply irrelevant But, due to conformity Of laws man-made, Ticking can weigh Grossly on nature! Unweaving truth; Threadbared; Pulling on treuws and Then ties boot laces; Without depending On intense passion To fulfill another day.

In Leeds, a city of several hundred thousand, I am often face to face with the same few people, and I don't mean those who work in the retail or hospitality trade. Like me I believe they live their lives in decreasing circuits, knowing every shortcut, alleyway, ginnel, snicket, to our advantage. Like them I rarely spend much time on the main thoroughfares and go directly to those places I feel safer than the hemorrhaging bus lanes or the bleeding queues! Leeds: for all it has to offer to the mighty majority of West Yorkshire, to me it is a brick piled desert painted vermilion, peeling and inanimate. It is no longer depressing for me, but I still attempt to shield myself from it's emptiness somehow! It is simply because my life consists of the same circles. There isn't much here so I end up trapped in these fewer options. My loop is to open the windows, on a hot day like today, put a load of washing on, adjust the metering to give me a warm bath tomorrow and then step outsid...

A broken link A cog clipped A facet dull A tooth brittle To forge anew To append too To polish stone To wear down What is the boil becoming? The disappearance of being, Clinging to a fine ledge and Slipping towards the final fall. For nothing of any substance! Gone within the tenuous air. Self worth? Aka work... It's a mystery Many fathoms deep Boredom replaced by drudgery! What is it worth? Memories are valued work, Creating trails to connect Meaning with being, And not pointless waste, (As time seemed precious?) Squandered in foolish haste.

First I ran into nothing to say, Which meant to cease scribbling; Leaving pages blank. Then I found it difficult listening So I returned the last Audible audiobook (The Order of Time by Carlo Rovelli), As it seemed to be speaking in riddles, And Star Trek(TNG) became banal Making it so... Now I've realised this tinnitus is more intense and my girth is accreting. This Covid thing is the root cause (I am sure), And my front teeth ache, As each of my "joys" are curtailed. Too much of meaningless pursuits. Grasping at straws Where nothing really matters It has no telos. Feeding dry combustibles Into a spiritless flame Where passion fades.