A rebel without a clue.

Hesitating no more I decided to hitch back to Wetherby West Yorkshire. Crossed the Esk and stood outside the Spar. Five minutes later - flashing my hastily drawn sign to York - David reverses at tells me he can take me as far as Pickering. We discuss my flight into and out of insanity. Walking and getting to grips with depression, Asperger's and ADHD (post traumatic stress disorder, dissociate disorder, etc). But in Pickering people are no neck nercs, and they squint at me as if I were the son. No I am not the Messiah! Not another commercial radio station! Why are you so thoughtless and insane with your mad chatter? With your cheesy, pointless adverts telling locals how to get stuff locally - D'oh - they don't need any of it because all business is the same business - the spring step of the devil! I hate thee radio! It is such a sinister whisper in the ear forever forcing a singular dimension onto the spaciously infinite. Music doesn't need a marble fireplace to glori...

Once upon a time ... There was a little boy who didn't look like, sound like or feel like all the other boys and girls he'd been in class with all his life: they didn't like him and used to call him names all the time, but he didn't know what to say or do to make them stop; even when they hurt him they never listened. Then he would feel very sorry that no one wanted to be his friend and only wanted to make fun of him all the time. If he ever tried to say "stop it" he just ended up really really upset because something didn't work properly in his head and got so confused. Some days he would sit and cry all day because nothing he did made any difference. The teacher were all equally mean to him because they often made him do things which he could not understand and they never explained things - or when things were fun would they suddenly clap their hands and tell the class to stop what they were doing and to pay attention to the front of the class. If they ...

So tired. Crashed out - my body is still churning over that sickness begotten at Porto Pizza. But I have ended today back at St Oswald's Pastoral Centre on the left bank of the Eskdale Valley, just outside Sleights, around 4 miles from the North Sea. Now I am in the Hillside self-catering block. The previous visit was my 43rd birthday on the 2nd February when it snowed heavily and I was forced to walk down to here from Fylingdales. It is somewhat tranquillity today: the distant sound of a prop plane, the hoot-choochoo of a steam locomotive, a very far away sawing or strimming and the call of a mighty bull in the field. The Centre is busy with a gardening retreat - keeping this plot pristine, godly, manicured; "surely I have made this only Eden yet more perfectly ordered that it pleases you to let me into Heaven?" - which must be a land of perpetual clearing, cleaning, arranging, straightening, weed killer, slug pellets and cups of tea. While I accept food is a necessit...

Why does everything I have just done suddenly feel utterly meaningless, void, trivial? Even as I crossed from the Nidderdale AONB into The Yorkshire Dales National Park, coming down from the hills and walking about Grassington, suicide crossed my mind at such an heroic achievement? An achievement for sure, but it makes zero difference as people still eat ice creams, toasted teacakes, their eyes are blankly vision free, I guess in heaven I will feel no sorrow? First night in Whitby, slept peacefully until I was awoken by projectile vomiting followed by piss water from my rear orifice. Had two normal beers (Whitby Brewery Saltwick Nab) at the Dolphin, entertaining a couple from Netherlands and Derbyshire with talk of Frikandel , crossed over the swing bridge with a thought I might go to the Coop next to the station for evening grits. But like the unthinking fool I sometimes am the Whitby kebab/pizza takeaway (Porto Pizza) was calling me - good protein for a long walk I thought. One chic...

No I am not organised And my goals are hardly ever reached I am too easily distracted. How did I complete an BA at all? None of the MAs have ever got off the ground. There was no appetite in me for the several I attempted. The first time I was surprised by the quality in the consistency of my writing, and the A grade I was awarded by Mr Jarvis, was an essay I had written about some long forgotten question on Chaucer's Nuns Priests Tale - I even mimicked Paul Scott's hand writing style; but it didn't last I returned to my restless scribble. The second time was the 1st I got for an essay on the origins of the First World War in the first year of Uni. The third time was when I was awarded a 1st for an essay on Sketches by Boz. Most of the other times I hardly understood the question, text and never mind the criticism. Oh, yeah, the result of lower 6th English Lit. exam (TS Eliot, Much ado about nothing and Hard Times or Dombey and Son?) was an A too. But I am...

Seems I keep on stalling. I really can't have the two worlds I have created and I must really give up ownership of the one that has no future. The other plan is the way out of this mess. There is nothing wrong with walking the other way. It will bring me personal human success. Those who call others sinners are mindless fools, but why should it mean anything to me? I challenged some "god squad" preachers yesterday. I said what gives you the right to speak down to "sinners" and if you want to teach people that there is another way you need to be humble, come down to their level - and don't assume that the everyone is a "sinner" just because they think they are not you. Such a fierce horror stalks the streets of Leeds, I have become afraid of that city. This was Albion Place. Whether there is God or not has nothing to do with these dizzily crazy people. Talk about intolerance ... They wouldn't know the Christ at all if it appeared to them ......

War is a racket. That is why. Money money money. Delusions. Why do banks need piles of dollars, gold and piles of bones. War is a racket. Four minute men. Patriotic CPI - pessimistic Wilson another fiend. Capitalism isn't Democracy. Capitalism and Democracy are idolatry. If you don't accept them they ignore, deny, hound, threaten, repress you unless they annulate . The world needs ripping up, but I am not sure it needs to begin again. What is their cause? The 1st of June and there is a hurricane descending. "In God We Trust" - this is an utter lie (unless God is Gold, Hearts and Minds). The reformers become the informers, become the propagandists and deny any other truth. This is the unreality I've been seeing.