A rebel without a clue.

Dreamy room 101 for the evening alone until around midnight when in a rush another rustled about. Breakfast and chat with Beverley. If that was my room 101 how come I was put in this too? 8:10 on to the Thames Path. Ubiquitous a joggers. Full stomach passed blind alleys and straddled occupied habitations. Dodging puddles as number one and Citibank stand vertically watching my bypassing their guilts and the tide is shortened upon this once oozing Thames. Through arches and passing private estates which prevent a view within breathing breaking space of its majestic flowing. Without the Thames what is London but another toxic city? Commuters await in unclean bodies cleansed in or cycled London cisterns. This time I walk on a right bank passing cannonades, flag poles, anchors and fully shortened paths. Grimly a jogger wipes sweaty brow on childish swings. Occupations take away my view as I arrive at Surrey Docks urban Farm. Echoes of a previous walk to Deptford at the hub of ancient dock...

Sunday 15th. Work is done. Work's Christmas party is done. Silly hats and dancing loonies have been boxed away for another year. Bla Bla Car I am heading to London at seven this evening(£16) and from there... I know not what I am doing. However I do know that the last four months picking and packing in a blasted warehouse have left me more inclined to drink heavily whenever the moment allows. The twin poisons of the working and alcohol environments are something my mind and body shouldn't require ever. The warmth of both money and booze has always been a trap into which I cannot easily escape; even if I can stare at this other me from the sides and wonder why this addiction is at all. Yesterday I was bitten by a puppy. He was playing and caught my nose. Yesterday I had a very bad cramp on my left thigh. It has to happen whenever I am about to set off. My actions became unstuck. A large yawning took my body. Something in that mix of party frolics undid me. But I am better fo...

And it is done. Four final days at Mosaic FS and I thank them for providing me with employment. Although I set off with high expectations of paying off what I had accrued this summer I found myself unable to detach from consumerism on my off days. The futility of the role (not the persons fulfilling their roles) picking Christmas and packing it in such menacing quantities to make me wonder what use are the 'things' China and the rest make for us Western gluttons. The decision I have made to continue walking in Germany, following Patrick Leigh Fermor again up the Rhine; just how will I manage this without flying and without expense? This is a quest to end 2013's saga. Good is sure to come eventually as a consequence of my actions - cause and effect.

https://www.evernote.com/shard/s315/sh/6e00ddc7-ad57-475c-9752-6acbc4ae95b9/2486056660b28f4a36811dbc6ad08b3d Wednesday morning was tough. Although I have tried to overlook the infection irritating my ear the last couple of weeks and continue in the noisy dirty environment - which has been my abode of sufferance since twenty first of August - something subtle snapped in that damaging situation and, like an overly coiled spring, I lost control being unable to negate this disharmony (previously I had been redirecting or eluding my inner voice by feeding it a A Course in Miracles and The Power of NOW when my mind struggled against the toxins thrust upon me by Heart, Kerrang! or Radio Two from seven until six); I was insane. My previously helpless, fearful, judgemental and intolerant persona was watching and reaching to pull itself beyond my own control again. In a wave of self revulsion I decided I must escape forthwith from another peace-less doom and allow my physical difficulties remed...

https://www.evernote.com/shard/s315/sh/4663b598-1d81-4c31-a824-b39ff2cd70a3/a574861373d2d36b27201a96087cdac7 (Aside 1) A packet of biscuits later I am into a usual routine. Sure I'll sleep very well after a Stowford Press or two or three. The skies above Wetherby High School are Gun-boat gray and this torrent has persisted since I arrived on the 561 around noon. Doves pictured against the hull of this masterpiece follow the breaks above the Wharfe and bridge. Two very drunk persons argue and then proceed out of the Swan and Talbot wavering down North Street driving forgetful of their state. Why should I worry? And so i drift to The Muse for a pint of Daleside Bobek Export a few years since that showed its head in these parts...     If I had an air gun or something stronger I would shoot the mindless old fools rattling on about 'they' 'them' having your details and using it to tempt you with PPI claims etc... (Aside 2) For a few days my finger has been poised ...

https://www.evernote.com/shard/s315/sh/8e1798fd-6141-4805-ae93-e717caa97f96/dcffa282180a2357d48fb9f5bbc98db5 Truth: I must escape this Hell. It is rotten and has no salvation in it for me. In the summer I set off looking for the essence of truth and to be free of the pain I've carried around ever since I can recall. Something tells me I am very well and I am resolved out of the past and its fear, but I am not sure this 'human' world was ever right for me. It lost me as soon as I was given immunisation, went to school, was uniformed, tied, forced to write words from letters fixed, bound to be flogged for 'the minimum wage' by those who would forever fail to see. In the past I really thought I was in error or something was corrupt in me. This was never true. The world is beauty, people are cruel and seem beyond my help so I must return to Eden and leave humanity to its sinfulness. Can I join a cloister and forgive what creates so much pain? In honesty I need a way o...

https://www.evernote.com/shard/s315/sh/f5036d58-7a03-4443-9d33-0cd6e9cb122c/8e8c991219a22539ff4ee0405fc0de34 I've been trying to understand 'we' in terms of 'our' salvation but I can't see that this must be so. Christ died as a redeemer for eternity yet today 'I' feel am sure redeemed; I has gone. This wasn't my choice and I am grateful for no longer being insane. I confess I am not sane, and i am completely ready to become one again, but 'I' literally have no desires, wants or needs anymore. I am far gone from that place in which 'they know not what they do' and this has made life pleasing. I have been asked am I depressed: no 'I' am not depressed but the 'we' really is and a mountain will have to fall for everyone to be redeemed.