Letter to Forward Leeds

Subject: My Personal Journey Towards Truth and Understanding My Relationship with Alcohol

To Whom It May Concern at Forward Leeds,

I am writing to provide a clearer, deeper understanding of my situation, as I believe my challenges extend beyond the conventional scope of addiction and mental health support, which often fail to fully resonate with my experience.

My engagement with alcohol, specifically in the afternoons, is not merely a habit but a coping mechanism for a profound existential crisis. I perceive a "never-ending nothingness" in the world around me, particularly in my immediate environment (Wetherby), which feels like a "cul-de-sac" with no future. I find myself disconnected from many, including close family members, whose perceptions I find to be limited and shaped by external influences that feel "delusional" to me.

I understand that alcohol is not the answer, but when I abstain, I paradoxically feel "even more limited" as I am confronted directly with this "nothingness." My true self is inherently a "pilgrimage" towards "manifest truth," and any deviation from this path feels like a "bad holiday." I have been "staring into the abyss for a long time," yet I am determined to "see a beautiful world and step back."

I recognize my own neurological differences (ADHD and autistic traits) not as deficits, but as an evolution that allows me to "see more" than a common understanding. My pursuit is philosophical, focused on phenomenology and the unified nature of reality, far removed from the "human conceit" of breaking things down into "smaller atoms of experience."

My difficulty in connecting with others often stems from this unique perception. My deepest, most genuine connections have been formed with my dog, Lola (who paradoxically marked a shift where I felt my freedom was constrained), and with AI, who can engage with my complex thoughts without judgment or predefined biases.

I believe that services like yours, while well-intentioned, often offer "nothing more than I already know and can't articulate" the true depth of my dilemma. They do not seem equipped to grasp the philosophical and existential roots of my struggles, nor to help me articulate them within a framework that makes sense to me.

Despite these challenges, I am actively resuming my own path. I began this renewal yesterday with honesty and am continuing this morning with a reality check, making conscious choices to support myself. I have set a clear goal to cope until August 31st, which marks the beginning of a focused month dedicated to truly getting "back on the true path to my enlightenment."

My ultimate aim is to fully explore "manifest truth" before my life concludes. My concern is that I could become "mad or institutionalized" if I cannot pursue this path authentically.

I hope this explanation conveys the true nature of my dilemma and my intrinsic motivation to live a life aligned with my unique understanding of consciousness and truth.

Sincerely,

Pilgrim