A rebel without a clue.

Inconsistency. Fluctuation between going forward and returning to what is keeping me limited. I am limiting myself. Is there any limit to me really... Other than the ones I create?

Every morning I walk through a canyon to catch my bus and like rock pigeons millions of slaves crawl onto their ledge. All these people heading to their assigned cells, wilting flowers in place. The effort of climbing down from my level in the hive and cutting through the world I ceased to touch so long since. I've a flask of coffee for the road ahead, but here I sit; mug in one hand and head in the other: oh the badness filling my waking hours. Music rings out the banality of it all and is perpetual in its stalking. My ears are never free of the fever and my eyes never rest on calmness. Oh a pretty face. It's another face in the meaningless crowd. It flows forever indented but vanishing vanquished out of sight and beyond redemption. To write I must. This I must not forget. All my venom is passing out, down and easily trodden, but I must keep conveying the horror, the horror. Then a song I recall from half a world away and am I subtly appeased. Are these few tracks the tracks...

I had dinner, a shower and then mosquitoes. Now I am watered and breakfasted ...it is dawn. Fantastic masala omelette for supper. I splattered a mosquito filled with my blood too angrily: mountains of regret. Getting out of Ghent was fluid. In a Priest's home. Thankfully. I was at the end of my day's endurance: I had no place to sleep. Everything seemed full or no one answered the phone. The one who did spoke no English: I'm not more than several words in Flemish so I hastily hung up. But here I am only five kilometres short of Oudenaarde: Welden. I shall never forget as it includes a dog and four year old Orval across the street. Tomorrow is Sunday. Half day closing. I grabbed two pears in a village before Lunch. I decided to keep away from the curvy river and follow farm tracks and minor roads as direct as possible. Today could have been nearly 40kms if meandering.

One hundred percent day. Zero percent sleep in the noisy hostel. But I was delivered to a pilgerherberge away from that other nonsense. Like a fool I wandered here and there knowing I couldn't walk on Saturday with the same set of circumstances as the Hostel on the bridge. Now I am up three flights of stairs away from fear. Fear never gripped me, but I wavered in that place unsure of tomorrow. I still have no destination tomorrow, but I have no worries: something will come along. Ulrich and Christena - a Camino couple have a perfect place for the Ghent etape: he's a German Physics teacher and she's a Flemish maths teacher. I returned my key to the damned hostel and returned to a very long siesta. Tomorrow I head to Oudenaarde.

The GP I saw, who I am now seeing regularly at the Light Surgery, thinks maybe the world is crazy and I am normal and that I will never fit it. I'm an outsider. I was inside for a while but feeling like I didn't belong or understand a thing. Now I'm always looking at this thing but it's as if I'm walking around an exhibition, or a zoo, where I can't grasp what the purpose of the merchandise is. I'm become an alien bemused or perplexed by something happening outside my experience: my reference point is now the Camino. Off I go again. Only back a couple of weeks. No where to move to in Wetherby do I'm stuck in Little London for the time being. Plenty of places are coming up in that area, but always if I'm 60+ or have a family. Flying to Brussels Charelroi and late bus to Ghent. An additional night in Ghent. Heading on the Via Scaldea six or seven days. Not got so long this time: Glenn joining me so we can visit some WW1 sites. Must be in Reims on 11th...

Already I feel attacked by the modern world. I told a group from England that they're carrying too much so one insulted me by calling me golden baldylocks and just now a man clearly pushed in to get on the train, even before everyone had got off and when I said you're being rude told me it was I being rude. People. And I should always keep my mouth shut. It's a world of attack I call upon myself. Those Brits need to learn their own lessons and who cares if someone appears to push in ... I'm on the train with plenty of time to kill. Rather than hang about all morning I decided to walk a little further on the GR65 just to observe all these hopeless newbies. So much blubber to use. So much conversation being ranted. Americans, Canadians etc. They don't like the noise of themselves or that of nature I am sure. Then I'm arrogant. It's a way, but you'll never see me wasting my life surrounded by more of the same. By eck I pong and am surrounded by flies. The ...

Mint by the roadside fills my mind with beautiful thoughts so refreshing. The sweat was so strong at the end of yesterday the salt stung my eyes until I was blind. Foot hills to the Pyrenees and now I know it. Amazing views all along the vale from the top where the GR65 and GR654 merge. But now I couldn't find any beds so I have a demi-pension €35 evening meal, bed and breakfast above the bar. I am grateful. I will have no money left by Saint Jean. Zero. But I know I'll be OK there.

We have so many saints we don't know what to do with them. Like an over stuffed sofa we're very uncomfortable. Down and through up and over, down and through up and over, ad nauseum. Pasture, cows and corn for miles. Until the end. Into low land around the river. Arrived without any idea what to do. So walked around quite witless. It's a promontory so had to climb many steps. Everything is closed. There is the remnants of a Fete happening. I put my head in the church. Silence. Then I struck for the tent. Asked if anyone spoke English. Now I'm with Isobel who has the Chambre D'hotes. But now I have no money and I'm locked away in the Tour Montréal.

Coffee. Before seven. 6:59. Dark out. Sunrise 7:12 and the stars are out. PMU express. Tired this morning. Bit of a battle with myself. Trying to just let mosquitoes be. If they didn't go for the face for location finding, and buzzed in the ear! They buzz so that the male knows he has women near him. Nothing changes. Some got me before I realised that there were any in the room. Again during the day. Early evening: six. Thought it was a fly, harmless fly, it was not. How did the ancient sailors manage? Most of them probably died of strange diseases in sweat drenched places totally cut off for anything they understood: Batavia, Calcutta, Hispaniola. Here's Johnny. That was a relentless day. But quite nice. I had to sit down once just prior to Orthez, which is another crap town. Many hills. Much sweating, searing heat by one. What's with this September? One by one they arrive and take showers, wash clothes, etc, but now it's me again. Alone. The outside noises only dista...

Be content to follow rivers: they are not artificial, although dredged or straighten, but the water has no human cause? Roads, fields, etc, are lines we have drawn, boundaries to be protected and bastions to be erected. All here is maize. In the fog I perceive machinery standing ready. There is definitely more hills. I'm fully into dawn walking. Here we are on the outskirts of Hagetmau. Had to go all the way to the swimming baths to return with a code for the door ... This makes no sense. The Office de Tourism is nearer! Stranger. Must be a Basque idea. Feeling a little distant from the real me today. Which is a common malady. Earlier bought a stew at the Relais Basque, which was made from tongue, but it was a little underwhelming if this is piquant in Basque? Too much meat recently: makes me lethargic. I was hungry, but I paid the price and felt ripped off. So what. Stupid mind. Too much beer. It's getting to me. That's the problem. One beer becomes two, becomes a few, i...

Dreamt I was trapped in no man's land in a holding cell - Quarantine or Lazaretto - nearly within Soviet Russia. One false move and I'd never be seen again. Trip wires everywhere and troop movements too. But I was eager to get in. The cell was surrounded by borders filled with bedding plants. I wasn't alone. I awoke in panic, as it felt real, looked round and saw I'm in a cell ... The Dutch lady said this was a bath house in the early 20th century, but it screamed cell to me. Now I wait for coffee. Day fourteen. Might find Saint Jean too close to departure date for comfort. Definitely think It'll be Monday morning walking too , if I don't have Sunday off walking. Can I keep walking, walking, walking. Five more days. Then I can say, in my life, I've walked the entire length of France : bully for me. Some people would revel in knowing that they'd manage to cover all this distance. But I can't help thinking it doesn't mean anything at all. I end up...

Another long day. Stopped twice to eat food I was carrying. My sack is very heavy. Actually it's the same as it was on leaving Limoges, but seems laden with rocks. This is a mental thing. And perhaps the heat is effectively hampering my day. Giant tiger mosquitoes in the Gîte ... I'm a pin cushion. Centre of Mont-de-Marsan it's where the young of France hang out. Higher pitched voices call out to one another by the Halles de la Madeleine. Stopped for a extrapale Oldarki. It is a lager. Euro-Lager, but need one ... French girls smoke longingly. It keeps them lean and chic ... Bullshit. Inside you're burning up baby. My pickle is beer today. Burnt or pickled but not both. The older Dutch ladies reappeared and I'm to return with Sausages: so much for no meat. Just passing through this town. Back to beggars, so it's quite large. Nearly in Basque country and nearly into the foothills of the Pyrenees. Not only sausage but saussion picante a la Maison times two. Sec...

That was a killer. Mostly straight. Attacked by insects from dawn until dusk. Saw no one else until just after 22 Kms, by the ancient chapel - part of me said linger the other part said "are you mad?". The trees were always pines, except when there were no trees. And then it was a desert. A Landes is a Moor and it sure felt desolate. But extremely energy sapping. Also boring when you can't see any bends in the road ahead. No features just a flatness with some trees clinging to the exposed nothingness. There is nothing here at all. Got to Rochefort and two quick beers at the Bar/Tabac where the keys for the gîte are kept. No point trying to speak French I'm buggered. Cook food, drink wine and eat food and drink more wine. So much for no more meat ... Confite de Canard. Very tasty. Drained off the fat. Enough potatoes and rice for breakfast. Coffee at the ready too tomorrow. Day off from those Bar/Tabac establishments. Was joined by a French man who had been camping -...

I thought I was following a figure in white or a white deer. It is the horizon I am following. Maybe it is Apollo or Hermes I seek? Or there is something of myself in this elusive figure. It never gets closer; always beyond my grasp. And I can never catch the figure because the being is me. Let it disappear this desperate following. There are no copper coloured slugs this morning. Yesterday, while leaping over purposely fallen trees and branches, I hesitated to step on one. The sun's rays reach through the ribbon of flittering oaks, delineating The Way from the pine forest and pink heather grows in the gaps. Finally birds begin their chorus - it was silent except for the distant rumble of Autoroute de Gascogne. But it is still without a breeze and the fern radiates back the sun from amongst the pines.

Today is forecast hot. 31°C. It's clear too. A full complement of stars are out while I head for petit déjeuner and coffee. Usual approach. Tried not to wake French guys, but I dragged a chair and burst a paper bag over the fretful gentleman. This establishment is just a bar. The Tabac is across the street. No TV or Lotto or PMU. He got very worried when he realised there were not enough beds for him, wife and mother-in-law ... That's some triplet. There is a TV ... He just forgot to switch it on. Now this is the car I dream of driving. Although last night I dreamt of Whitby and Hull. It's usually dark, dank and rotten in the dreams I contend of those places. And Hull was hell like, except for some excellent converted factory/bar. But, again, I was wearing zero - nothing on to hide my modesty and I was so was very nervous - especially with Glenn driving. Two large coffees. Bloody 24hr none news. It's all planned. What is news? Is it really necessary to a peaceful day? I...

Short one. Broke all the rules. Shot along the closed route. Bugger it. Clambered over felled trees most of the way. Became fearful that the bridge over Autoroute de Gascogne was going to be absolutely out of bounds or missing - maybe this is why the route is out of bounds? It wasn't missing and neither were the midges! None of the road building operatives challenged me. One shock my hand ... Respect, you are walking all the way to there? Rare spectacle a male donkey, ass, mule galloping over the fields to stand braying at me. Guess that stallion didn't like me breaking the rules. This is my way. Faced him off. Said hello and he just snarled! 

To approach walking as an occupation. Walking Monday til Saturday, with one day to stop and collect oneself. Is this fair? A lot of pilgrims walk every day - with some shorter ones thrown in (technically not proper walking, I think, if it's over by noon). It's not a race; who am I to judge? Even though I demanded better of myself today ... Guilt for some perceived fault. Drinking tea. I've six eggs(boiled), Baguette, fig biscuits, lemon water. I bought Penne pasta to eat tonight, with the remainder of the pesto I carried for several days. I've one bullet-like avocado ... It's not getting ripe: picked too early. Avocado usually breaks down soon. It's food. The Avocado was ripe! Unusually thick skin. Woody. That would have hurt falling on an unsuspecting perambulator. So two eggs, one avocado, some pesto makes a nice sandwich filler. A snack. Had enough at déjeuner. Second day of steak. Set menu - €17. Same steak as last night in a simpler set up. The sun is sc...

A day off. So many days of hardly any sleep. Too many mosquitoes in the rooms. From Château to Gîte they're always here. Yesterday was hot ... The room stayed hot. It's a tight spot. Two bunks for four. I wonder who will join me today. One raft of pilgrims left: some Dutch and some French. I'm on a top bunk. I snore, oh well. I have groceries for dinner. This is Dimanche and nothing goes on after lunch. C'est soir? Zero. Hand washed some smalls. Ineffectually. Being a pilgrim is quite boring. Being a tourist is intensely boring. Being a servant is totally boring. It's a dull day, but it won't last. Tomorrow is a short day: 17 kms. Counting bites is absolutely a waste of time. It's inevitable. My eyes are quite tired.  165 kms in six days is not a problem. The world I see is exactly the same: a different accent but the same sense of boredom. Waiting for something to happen. Yesterday morning walking out of Le Réole was a moment. The sunrise behind me and the...

Good morning world. No bites. Blue skies and a freshness which was not felt yesterday. Time for coffee. The couple don't drink it. I can understand why not. Not ripe apples: which look like cider apples.

Have I seen all this before? Or have I only thought this before? Looking at anything is dependant on some prior knowledge. Otherwise it is not in focus, has no prospective. These shapes would mean nothing. Who am I? This is as deep a question as it is possible to ask one self? My feelings of loathing or loving are only mine. They are not anything beyond. Hearing a voice. It means nothing unless in give it my attention and some "meaning". This means I really have a choice. It's always a choice. I think I finally understand. This voice inside. The one dictating to the page. Hello. Who is in control of that hello? Why do I need a word of greeting to me? Beyond my simple self I am sure I need no words. Words are abstract labels. I think that's the correct term. That chair is not simply a chair. At it's core it is mostly empty space. Physics holds it as seeming substantial matter. And this physical world seems so inescapably real. But only from my limited knowledge...