A rebel without a clue.

Not feeling anything much. Flat looks a bit bad detritusy but not too bad - i think its age shows the dirt more.  Paul's linen all over the floor in the out building...he'd forgotten! hehe Hung about. Off to sign on. Put alarm clock on for 7. Went back to sleep zzzzz. Woke up by April  standing over the bed shouting at me; all in my head! Weird. Can't focus as well as last night. Still got this odd cold. Feeling a  bit dry. Why can't I hydrate? Crocus time again / spring time is here again. Got to town time to spare. Coffee. Shit no money! How did happen? Oh  well! It's not the end. It's only coffee... Signed on; one job? Customer services part time - good news. We'll  see. Tons of work down in Cornwall. Cornwall. Cornwall. Timeline infinity. Where is the universe going? Very good question! We  know where it came from: bigbang; we don't know why, but where is it going?  What is it striving toward in the end? Last four days were beautiful...

Out for dung walk at 10am. Just been blanked. Looked at dog, but not  at me. Is it an invisible person walking the dog? On top of the ings and just seen mark Bolton. Plastic raver? Had to  have all the kit for walking! Hunters barbar. Baba! 10.48 Oh well collingham here I come. Knees giving me jipp. Need Ginger? Hit the church in collingham at 1120. Snoops is tangled! Working my way back to you, babe with a happiness inside - the Detroit  Spinners! Kirk Deighton fête on my own 1980. Dave Edmunds. Snoops and  I am back he's eaten a whole tin and I've eaten a ton of pasta  1230...decided to tidy the front room. Top to bottom. Shoe'd snoops  upstairs...grumble grumble. 1510. Preparing for trip back. 1620 bus to  Leeds. Curry night. Can't find jsa book! 1550 and I don't know why but I'm not looking forward to going to  Leeds. Some times I prefer the quiet of this street, braine road.  Returned library book bus on time! Picked this ...

Please Mum no more cheap toliet paper, the stuff my index finger goes straight through ain't glamourous. Back to marigold andrex. 'Hey look! There goes the durex dog' said my sister at Wetherby Show in about 1980. Durex/Dulux/Andrex. Silver Dog is asleep paw on my shin bone like a hand in my hand...yawn yawn. Me tired too, but eaten so much shite today. I'm loaded with MSG and transfats; cool huh?

I got up fairly easily at 7:45am. After bathing I watered my pinto bean sprouts and washed my black eyed beans. Angry and frustrated by 9am. Felt i couldn't get into the day. Took full bin bag out(again)...with neighbours. Got to street lane. Told help the aged I wouldn't really be able to make any other day than Saturday; will be in a 1pm all being well. Popped to Starbucks to kill an hour: got a really good book by Stephen Baxter( Timelike Infinity ) from the Beige-ists. Ran and caught number 12 outside Flying pizza. Arrived at surgery for 11am. Waiting Room No. 2: Mum, dad and out of control child. Sat down reading for 15 minutes, but then dreadlocked child climbed in my space; told parents. All the waiting room and decided to climb on my lap. What am i meant to do/say? 'can you keep your child out of my space?' She thought I was moody,'he's only a child!' Grumpy: you're his mother be more assertive. The father looked at me daggers: i couldn't ...

There isn't any reason why this is the first time I've written in my blog since the 4th, other than I updated my iPhone to the latest firmware and now I am restricted to bonafide app's... iBlogger is £4.99. I am struggling money wise, so no time soon will I pay out a fiver on a nothing. I feel empty, soulless, like a deep pit or an endless cavern. I got up without a sense that today was a none day. Yesterday was a none day, but I helped out at Help the Aged. The day before was a none day and I had an annoying afternoon surrounded by yound families in Starbucks. I love them. But not when I am in a sour mood. They're like vinegar to my lemon juice... I can't blog on the go, but Paul reckons that it isn't what people care about: poetry. He's always right so... I can't explain how frustrated I am by having no voice and constantly being told: NO. Not everything is black and white we live in a rich universe of colours and lights. Fuck not having options....

solumn smile; smile but no happiness. shake shake shake my hand until it detaches. guess what, who, why? business man and woman and man. shake shake shake you fear to grimace. that grin is grim and your shake is hate. shake shake shake look me in my eyes then look away. eyes tell me that false is all you sell. shake shake shake so long your glance down cast. if you want to love me? give me all your money. shake shake shake your happiness from my mind. if you take me, abuse me and rob me blind. i will surely say commendable, great work; you cunt!

It took me ages to be resurrected this morning  A night boozing and shouting into a jam jar. Trying to catch anguish in a jam jar. Cider inside my head and battenbergin my mouth. 2 meat chilli, an alt bier in North Bar, then a gallon of weston's vintage cider. How rotten I feel and I just passed a refuse strewn garden. Actually the garden of Christ, the redeamer, not exactly gethseminy. Where a purse of coins won't be silver, but rusty bent coppers. And now the junction of sheepscar. This strikes me as being some place of common animal butchery. A61 you guided me towards my dreams. I butchered and killed all that I once loved. I confided a hopeless truth to someone I hold too dear. And after jumping off the number 2 I realise that so much we once took for granted is now closed forever closed. Borders, envy, Wesley owen...does this mean christanity is dead or bankrupt, in administration, corrupted? Then I come to deal with the weekly dole. Having to relocate from one happy place...