Some thoughts about Ireland, etc.
Looking back last night on this final stage I know it was the least 'pilgrimage-like' of all the summer's challenges to overcome. The absolute loneliness I felt while passing through my home country, the Netherlands, Germany and Ireland was beginning to unravel the good work I had achieved during France and Spain, where I shared the experience with others from dawn until dusk.
Often I have suggested I enjoy being on my own, but this hides me in a separateness from the majority I want to be accepted and applauded by. It feels possible for me, and has been for 99% of my life, to exist without companionship at a definitive level. But there is another part of me that seems to have been left behind by 'a' society; perhaps I chose not to be a part of my 'real' society who were those who aspired to achievements beyond the paradoxical crossroads bringing the Great North Road along High Street and North Street in Wetherby. A dichotomy to be accepted by those I should never have accepted as the absolute truth.
While university never engaged me and I knew my emotions were split between reckless hedonism, disenchantment with the organised system and those scholarly, dedicated and driven individuals I usually despised and/or envied (all the time I wanted to become part of this upper class successful elite without what felt like the dedicated slavery to our university masters – what did they know?). Yet I always felt success was my birthright or destiny.
At the time I thought, bizarrely, using myself, sleeping late, pampering my senses and convincing myself haphazard attendance of lectures and tutorials would provide me with a brilliant epiphany. Truth is I really wanted to inhibit my options in narcissism, but now I would yearn to be involved in and inhabit altruism for my peace of mind.
Someone should have told me straight that I wasn't mentally ready for wasting three, potentially unique and significantly life altering, years up in Newcastle. When the final year rolled past I fled from that city, never to return for a long time (just once in eighteen years when my demons were gone around 2010), and forever now it seems I dream of continually failing in the echoes of a past memory – a recurrent dream that suggests I do fail even though on paper I didn't quite.
Leaving in 1995 I continued my pointless abstract drug fuelled monotony until something fundamental broke and told me 20 years of my life had vanished: 'pop' I was back – the person I perhaps might have been if the Dorian Gray delusion had not been suggested to me by Mr Jarvis(English Literature A Level 1990-92!)
All during the time since a capability I had was rarely suggested to me by my inner self. Now, and indeed finally, it is fortunate I have become self aware that I have always had the chance for achieving what the ego sought to destroy.
It is true in my mind that Ireland provoked too many negative aspects against this modern pleasant 'I', however I was aware at least that it wasn't going to corrupt, corrode, tarnish, damage or break me and reinstate what I had fled to exile.
Time is on my side as I have finally learnt my mission and plans are afoot to bring me back to where I belong so I can complete what I set out to become before I got tangled up in my own death.
Often I have suggested I enjoy being on my own, but this hides me in a separateness from the majority I want to be accepted and applauded by. It feels possible for me, and has been for 99% of my life, to exist without companionship at a definitive level. But there is another part of me that seems to have been left behind by 'a' society; perhaps I chose not to be a part of my 'real' society who were those who aspired to achievements beyond the paradoxical crossroads bringing the Great North Road along High Street and North Street in Wetherby. A dichotomy to be accepted by those I should never have accepted as the absolute truth.
While university never engaged me and I knew my emotions were split between reckless hedonism, disenchantment with the organised system and those scholarly, dedicated and driven individuals I usually despised and/or envied (all the time I wanted to become part of this upper class successful elite without what felt like the dedicated slavery to our university masters – what did they know?). Yet I always felt success was my birthright or destiny.
At the time I thought, bizarrely, using myself, sleeping late, pampering my senses and convincing myself haphazard attendance of lectures and tutorials would provide me with a brilliant epiphany. Truth is I really wanted to inhibit my options in narcissism, but now I would yearn to be involved in and inhabit altruism for my peace of mind.
Someone should have told me straight that I wasn't mentally ready for wasting three, potentially unique and significantly life altering, years up in Newcastle. When the final year rolled past I fled from that city, never to return for a long time (just once in eighteen years when my demons were gone around 2010), and forever now it seems I dream of continually failing in the echoes of a past memory – a recurrent dream that suggests I do fail even though on paper I didn't quite.
Leaving in 1995 I continued my pointless abstract drug fuelled monotony until something fundamental broke and told me 20 years of my life had vanished: 'pop' I was back – the person I perhaps might have been if the Dorian Gray delusion had not been suggested to me by Mr Jarvis(English Literature A Level 1990-92!)
All during the time since a capability I had was rarely suggested to me by my inner self. Now, and indeed finally, it is fortunate I have become self aware that I have always had the chance for achieving what the ego sought to destroy.
It is true in my mind that Ireland provoked too many negative aspects against this modern pleasant 'I', however I was aware at least that it wasn't going to corrupt, corrode, tarnish, damage or break me and reinstate what I had fled to exile.
Time is on my side as I have finally learnt my mission and plans are afoot to bring me back to where I belong so I can complete what I set out to become before I got tangled up in my own death.
Above all else I want to see (acim).
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