Day Three

Light filtering through the curtains at around 4 and for the second morning I was struggling back into Lalaland. Tonight I must put back my bed time with an hour's book reading. I've brought a copy of Don Quixote to try the second part of that tome. But it's a more modern translation than the previous one I'd read so I started at the beginning again.

Ruby has just returned to mummy's bed. She's no bother at all. Just now she came outside for a visit and we had a little moment together before she returns there for a couple more hours.

On Saturday I cropped all the broad beans I had had growing since Autumn and spent yesterday blanching and podding their secondary shells for the stew I conjured last night.

Part of me wants to take Ruby and Lola out this morning on the bus, but I would prefer to do that when Lola stays here at Chestnut Avenue. Collecting her from mother's adds another 30 minutes to Ruby's walk...

***

Is it a good idea to start Monday morning with a podcast about accepting death? Not sure it is. Crowd Science is one of my weekly podcasts, but, rarely, some of the subject matter is either meaningless or banal. Mainly it's truly scientific, but occasionally it's a little arbitrary and esoteric.

Death is one of those things which, mainly, doesn't worry me. It's an absolute fact. The universe without me reflecting its wonder back at it is a shame, and I do get the fight or flight mechanism occasionally, perhaps it's an age thing and linked to my overwhelming 'unhappiness'? As I finding it harder and harder to get a sense of meaning from life my mortality is not such a problem.

Of course it will be painful and miserable and frustrating, and all the other emotions linked like regret and fear, but it's out of my control - to the extent of lifestyle choices. And can I fear the unknown? This moment is all I know. The past is misremembered and the future doesn't exist ever. To have hopes and dreams is quite futile (in a predetermined universe); I just boiled two eggs (for Ruby's breakfast) because I am an effect not a cause.

At six I am running a bath and setting my body and mind straight for all possible futures at this instant and a succession of intervals. The coffee is drunk and its effects are working their way back to the source; I must go use the toilet...