Wednesday 12th January.

Good morning...

What am I thinking about? Being good at just one thing...

With Lola, snuggled alongside me on the sofa, I know I've become good with her. A pureness reflects in our relationship. Although I don't know what Lola ever is thinking, if she operates like that, there are ways of knowing I am doing well by her.

But I am also good at putting one foot in front of the other, but I am also great at pouring one pint after another down my throat without considering the long-term consequences of the dedication.

Dedicating this one year, in its many moments, to not putting that erroneous being into action may help me escape the zombiefacation of my soul. But all I want to do now is go - move onwards (being held back for ten years by mental health issues is so futile).

And the last two years of being told what to do, constantly, by everyone and everything has destroyed the momentum which was snowballing prior to Lockdown. Walking for charity has ceased. Walking for sanity has vanished. 2022 is my year. I've 12 months left to walk purposely along the other path. 

Walking with Lola continues, but I am aware she is aging, nearing seven, and I don't want to injury her as she passes into her senior years, so I've begun restricting our forays to between 2 or 3 hours a couple of days a week. During the remainder she is content with two single hours either side of the day.

This morning we're going out around 8, for a few hours, towards Boston Spa, or some such destination, but I hesitate to catch a bus as I have to return to Leeds for a blood test, as I'd like to get to the bottom of this neuralgia which is effecting my feet. We will do a circular walk.

Speaking to a 'random' GP on Monday, who suggested I might be deficient in some essential vitamin due to aging and alcohol abuse, has got me focused on repairing what can be fixed and accepting what cannot.

On Tuesday I started taking vitamin B12, as that might be the nutrient needed to ameliorate blurry vision, tingling feet and tinnitus, and also help me to concentrate better? Taking a Vitamin D supplement has definitely improves my mood, even in the darkest dark of autumn and winter. And working on the allotment, a couple of days a week (with the companionship of Robins and Blackbirds), is great for peace of mind.

Where is this morning's journal going? I'm am not sure it has a point. It's a collection of narcissistic thoughts. That's a journal/diary - it need not have a point or narrative? A narrative is the thing which comes from experience.

These moments during COVID-19 I've not seen as opportunities, which is perhaps the reason I've blown off course rudderless and descended into alcoholism and nihilism.

Lola is in a dream. Snuggled alongside me she trembles and shakes. Her breathing is deep. She is content. She stayed in her bed until 5am, until she crawled in next to me, and waited until well after six for breakfast: I am thinking it's time to make my own and get organized for Wednesday 12th January.

***

Three weeks on Wednesday, tomorrow, I turn 50 and I still want to do 'something' which doesn't require me to be Wetherby bounded. But foreign travel is still unclear at present and, if we can leave the UK without having to jump through many hoops shortly, then everyone and his dog will jet off.