Summary for Your Occupational Therapist

You've been feeling profoundly lonely and isolated, and your flat at 69 Lovell Park Grange is reinforcing those feelings. You shared that when you sit and watch people coming and going, you're always looking for eye contact and a morning smile, but it's a rare occurrence, and people hardly ever seem to see you. This leads to feeling "alone in a crowd." You noted that people seem to be "wearing a mask" when they head to work, unlike the Camino where everyone seeks eye contact. The only people who try to engage are vagrants, who are seeking money, not companionship (which, you rightly pointed out, literally means "with bread" in Italian). This contrasts sharply with your experience on the Camino where pilgrims literally share bread and connection.

You've found yourself arriving back at the flat with alcohol in your system on Wednesday night (7 PM) and yesterday (6 PM), noting that while you're okay once you're inside, the journey back to the flat can feel "virtually impossible."

This is happening despite your desire to "get healthy," and you're feeling a sense of self-judgment about the inconsistency between your intentions and actions, calling it "stupid."

We also discussed your morning routine, specifically your reliance on espresso coffee for functionality and how decaf leaves you feeling "yawning and flat." This led to a discussion about caffeine's effect on adenosine receptors and how your body adapts to its presence, making you feel more tired without it. You mentioned you never drink coffee in the afternoon, which is a good habit for sleep.

Looking ahead, your upcoming Camino de Santiago journey on September 1st (just over six weeks away) is a significant source of hope. You expressed that you've never felt as whole as when you are on pilgrimage and that it allows you to be "free to be exactly who I am - a pilgrim." You also stated that the Camino has given you hope and that you've survived 10 years on it where you wouldn't have without it, leading to the strong desire to "only want to be on el Camino." You acknowledged that you manage the time between pilgrimages "very badly."

Despite these challenges, you are trying to step out of your negative self and reflect on the positive you, specifically focusing on your bravery and your contentedness alone on that long road, which makes you feel hopeful.