a few days

Off to see Lola, that lovely girl. She so wanted to go further than 15 minutes yesterday, but mum threatened that she'd never forgive me if I made Lola suffer - Lola was looking at me with that knowing look when she wants to take me through The Horsefair Centre...

And she did. Only 20 minutes, but she wanted to hop much more... But I forced her back to 42 once more, then I hooked up with Andy and Ian; and I pondered my absence from the allotment... Andy indicated he was going to reroof the shed... Have I lost interest or is the pain in the foot too much for me to overcome?

***

Seems I've lost the ability to convey my feelings in this journal? Something is playing havoc with my mind... Alcohol and doubt. Mainly doubt. Uncertainty is creeping where once I was without fear. Yesterday I ate wrong and drank wrong and felt claustrophobic amongst the masses as I brought out the lanyard I wear when feeling overwhelmed by people people people....

***

Camino Saturday. Breakfast and a coffee at WCH (granola and an espresso, y aqua). A clean Friday. A couple of walks with Lola who is off painkillers and trying to get to her toes. It must be itching... Poor girl. I can do nothing to help so am better away from her pleading beautiful brown eyes - I'd ask her to do too much, or she'd push me to do too much for her: nether happens when either mother or my sister entertain her - she's not top dog with them but instead some absent thought generally reacted badly to.

***

Another Monday. Yesterday I decided I wouldn't catch the flight to Alicante. No point. Waste of money as well. The sore foot is getting too bad to consider hobbling more than enough. I considered going to a gym to work on my upper body strength rather than resort to more long distance walking. But I always found a gym such an artificial environment (and it is, but so what).

December keeps grinding on. I am the Grinch before Christmas as I grimace at every flaming jumper lit up with twinkling light and at the same dozen songs played on repeat which sent me scurrying when working in Virgin Megastore during the three months up to that one blasted day when everything is simply too much to cope with.

***

Very busy yesterday, then had too many beers. Lola's completely out of action. She's got a sore toe where the nail on one of her toes was rubbing against the inside of the one alongside in in the wound dressing. I was dreaming of her being ready for an hour down on the Ings but it's impossible. And I just can't get motivated to go to the allotment with the almost constant pain in the left foot - at least I know an operation is just around the corner having seen the consultant at the Nuffield Hospital yesterday morning.

***

Life without Lola, life without el Camino and life with high blood pressure... Welcome to the end of 2024!

No longer have I a shadow alongside me, or one ahead or behind me; is this red rampage the all encompassing shadow which seek to envelope these unhappy moments I am living through? It's definitely up to something other than me as I realise that free will is an illusion and I am conscious but completely out of control.

***

Friday was a day of two halves. Before stepping into that surgery in The Light I was in a very positive mood. When I left Abby to return to the streets I had lost the moment and was very quickly overwhelmed by the manic maddening crowds. The surgery isn't comfortable either. It's such a clinical space with no comfort - no decorations on the walls - just safety instructions and medical instructions, as well as medical equipment piled high. It was mad in Leeds and I was seriously panicking as I drifted down to FoH where I needed a drink to calm me down ...

Saturday I managed to walk the majority of the way back to the flat from Wetherby and went to the Sikh Centre on Chapeltown Road for lunch - I had heard you can so did and had an enlightening experience... And I walked all the way from the NLOR, through Roundhay Park, behind Roundhay School to Gledhow Valley Woods and Chapel Allerton...

***

Monday morning. Christmas is almost on us - thank God.

The storm appears to have gone and I saw at least four planets in the night's sky as I returned from a glass of wine. I think they were Venus, Jupiter, Uranus and Saturn... On the app and the location of them I was pretty sure.

Queuing out the door of the butchers shops because we're all running out of food... I don't get Christmas! It's unreal. It is the ego at work. How long before Andy Stoney disturbs my espresso solace?

***

Monday ended and Tuesday too. I moved my body from Leeds to Wetherby yesterday morning and stayed by Lola's side all day - mum took her out for her brief walks as she still is hopping on the foot where the toe was amputed. So this is Christmas Day. The quietest day of the year. The one day when all the Hubbub ceases for a few moments. Lola got me up early. Around 4... I think she needed the toilet, but didn't want to go out. I gave her a little breakfast and put she went to empty her bowels. Now I am by her side on the sofa with my stomach moaning as I pour coffee into it. Good coffee - Echelon Roaster Meanwood Road.

***

Back to normal. Just two nights, two days and one morning with Ruby, but, sadly, without Lola. I've not had her by my side on a walk for so long - how can I live without her? It's impossible. I just have no anchor so I just keep drifting into deeper water.

Lola is still lame since the operation to remove her toe with the melanoma so mum is doing two brief walks with her across the grass between home and York Road. It's Saturday morning and I am feeling low because she's not here and I can't go and sit on Raby Park with her in the glorious sunshine...

***

But I had a good solid two hours on the allotment and a good solid sleep in the flat. I washed everything I'd used since dog sitting, being out with Glenn etc. left the flat around 8 and been heckled coming along Vicar and Boar Lanes: I so dislike Sunday mornings...

***

And here I am on Monday morning. Eating refried beans and drinking coffee. Sat by the window looking out into Braine Road as the lights switch on and off in various abodes as they awaken. I awoke at 5am, but rolled over until 5:30am.

Allotment this morning? Probably... If the sun shines when the day breaks.

No, no, no. I met up with Glenn in the afternoon and enjoyed an early evening out in Headingley. But we didn't drink much. I had my final meat meal for some time as I consumed a 'parmo' from a new vendor on Otley Road...

Yesterday I came to Wetherby unhurriedly and looked after Lola. We had two walks together and chilled out of the rain and wind. I had two halves in the Brewery on York Road, but I now need a break from everything. Including Yorkshire...