w/c 24th June.

Blue skies on a Monday morning. Looking out towards the giant sycamore which has sat, sentinel like, since I can recall, on the embankment next to the original marshalling yard of the Engine Shed, the original railway station, the crows caw, but now amongst full foliage. June 24th. Going to collect Lola at 8am. It's around 6am and I am listening to the butt end of a Forum on the BBC World Service. The crows are chatting before they take to the skies; what are they discussing?

Yesterday I walked to Wetherby. At around 15 miles it was a good, if slightly boring (because I walked for a long way on either suburban paths or greenbelt lanes - minding the traffic). At the final gate, nestled in uni the corner of the Wetherby Ings Playing Fields, I saw Lola with Emma and Finley. Serendipity. Finley, Lola and I waded through the edge water of the Wharfe for one landing spot and to four of the beaches. Lola loved it. Finley loved it. Emma was ott about how muddy Finley was going to get as he went shopping for something he doesn't need. Emma seems so neurotic and didn't see the fun we were having as she sat uptight on a park bench, in front of the final stage where we went into the river. Lola wanted to come with me... But I wasn't back from the walk yet so let Emma drop her at mum's as Finley and she went shopping for stuff she doesn't need. My sister has got so unadventurous in her late 40s. Oh God she's 50 in August and we won't hear the end of it... She's going to Dublin. 

***

Waiting for the bus. Been on the allotment since 1040 and I left just prior to 2pm and walked down into town. Parched. Felt a little sunstruck before the end. Espresso over ice in Costa in the Market Place, Wetherby.

***

Directly back to the flat where I enjoyed the homemade baked beans I'd made on Sunday morning, prior to the walk to Wetherby, and had a warm bath to wash away the sweat and dirt from the long day.

Awake around 5:30am. Brewed a batch of cold coffee last night and pressure cooked some urid daal which I think I will make into a humus when I return tomorrow. I will leave it in the sealed pressure cooker as it should be fine for a day or two, even in the June sunshine. It's a bit cloudy this morning.

Yesterday I called the Environmental Agency to report the redness I'd noticed around the island in the Wharfe, below the bridge, slightly down stream from the weir. They will investigate. No alcohol.

0630 and waiting for the lift.

***

I think I am at a crisis point. All I can see is a barrier to going anywhere. So I seem to be going nowhere.

Last night I retired after working on mother's lawn, and looking after Lola, to my room where I listened to the comings and goings on the street. It took me a long time to settle down. My mind was racing. The place I go to when meditating seemed shut off to me at the few pathetic attempts I'd made to be still, listen and not judge. At one point I decided to have a shower to see if it made any difference, but I am not sure if it did. At 5am I was awake, but pretty apathetic so returned to bed until 5:30am. An hour later and I don't know what to do. It's a beautiful Wednesday morning with summer upon us, but the hazy start to the day is akin to my state of mind.

Are my repetitive money issues causing something deeper? They don't matter, but I am overwhelmed.

***

Thursday,

I had around 6 pints on Wednesday and I am on my second half today. I was walking until 1pm from around 8:30 - I spent quite a bit of time on the green opposite the crane tower which is a part of the development opposite Whitehall Waterfront.

Currently I am very ambivalent about walking anywhere. Something happened in France. The pain and the feeling that it's essentially a futile action. But all action is futile if it's examined. My catching the X99 once more takes me to Lola... Is this a futile act? What gives life meaning? I thought it was Lola and walking, but it's a temporary expedient.

***

... and that's if the bus comes? But it's delay has allowed me to see that some folks are hanging on by a thread. A guy I often see rushing into town, when I am heading to the allotment, had made me stop and ponder where he is going in such a hurry - the answer is Betfred... C'est la vie. There is more to life.

***

Returned to the flat for the second time around 7pm, after I'd 'ruined' the washing machine in the morning by using an out of date reproofer which has left a sticky residue on the interior of it (...oh the humanity), to listen to the rain bouncing off the opened window as I snoozed on the sofa wrapped in the duvet I use as a cover over this aging piece of furniture.

I went out to purchase something for tea and to potentially clean up the mess in the washing machine, which I am currently testing out(before I call the manufacturer of NikWax in the morning to see what else I can do).

Half a pint of mild in Whitelocks, half a pint of mild in Brownhill and Co., one bottle of Ausgustiner Dunkel, one half of Craven stout, one half of Weiphenstephener and finishing off with 2 imperial stouts in Brunswick. Then I came back to make a noodle soup with the remaining Ramen. I eventually crawled into bed around 10pm having snoozed on the sofa a couple of hours listening to the sounds of the world outside and I guess I spent around £30 on a coffee, a bus ticket, food, cleaning products and beer between leaving my mother's around 7am and shutting the door to number 69 at 7pm.

***

Blue skies this morning, but it's soon clouded over. There isn't a bus to Wetherby until 9am from Boar Lane so I should probably walk a little this morning, but I haven't got a reliable waterproof... 

Ending of the day. Nearly 19 miles to approach Wetherby from the east-south east direction, behind and coming to Heuthwaite Lane. I got a bad case of Renaud's as I left the field of Rapeseed along Coal Lane and prior to hitting the back side of Bramham Park. Now slow low abv pints of Hawkshead pale 3.4%. Then collect Lola for a spin around town, a chicken and tarragon sauce Sunday dinner and good evening.

End of this week ... I think I've got over the hiccup of the first three weeks taking Mirtazaphine and feel a lot calmer.