w/c 11th March

Monday,

Put washing on the rack to dry. Made a coffee. Proving some bread. Day to myself in Leeds. Miserable. But I am alive and happy.

Was invited to Wetherby to spend the day. A surprise. 

The left foot is beginning to get me down. No matter which insoles I am wearing it is painful. Been out with Lola for an hour, made lunch and headed to the allotment for an hour, but the clouds threaten rain and the earth is very very saturated from Sunday's downpour.

Coffee and chill until 3. May take Lola for another meander, but unlikely. Tuesday I think. Or will I see Robert then head to Leeds? I forecast uncertainty.

Took Lola for another meander. Ate some Linda McCartney veggie items with rocket after I'd eaten some nice soup mum had made - but it was made with chicken stock! She never said until I was half way through the bowl. Feeling a bit chilly from something so crawled into bed. Might be time to tune out? Just eaten three spoonfuls of live yogurt as it always brings me around?

End of Monday. Got a new book: Alan Bennett's Smut.

***

Tuesday,

It's raining once more. There is no chance of the allotment this morning. Meeting cousin Robert for our once a month(or regular) chat and breakfast. Not had a hangover since the previous Monday morning and didn't touch a drop yesterday. Mum can look after Lola this morning and I could go to the Old Fire Station on Gipton Approach...

It was tipping it down as Robert left. I went to Touchwoods to buy some trays of pots. I intend to get some going this afternoon, but I came into town to get yogurt, deodorant and bath soak. Dropped off my recycling at another site as my local is overflowing. Why do I bother... The state of affairs as soon as you leave LS1 or Holbeck is mountains of refuse.

...

Still here. Third beer. That's 5 (and the original half around 2:30 in FoH). I don't want to leave, yet, but will once the first part of Alan Bennett's Smut is concluded.

Saw 'writer' Kevin Coultate once more - I saw him the night prior to the trip to Faro in February. This time he bought me a second bottle in NB, before I came over to Stick or Twist - Oh boy! I could've said 'no' couldn't I?

Back in December 2020 I bumped into him at The Spot hostel in Porto during COVID and curfew in Portugal... He was trapped in Porto, but he got to know it very well: I can see it's got a certain charm and I've only scratched the surface of in the four or five times I've hung about there. 

Before that had a boring half in FoH: very uninteresting for Anthology Brewery, so I went for a free drink... a free coffee at Caffé Nero - 9 stamps etc., and people watched until I stepped over the threshold of NB around 4.

And I have memories. Walking through an ancient feeling wood which had lichen clinging, draped and drooping: in France. It was prehistoric. It felt ancient. Where was that exactly?

Outside of the Caffé Nero on The Headrow, before I headed back inside away from the chill, a guy approached me who recognised me from the FB Camino group I post on regular: made me feel good actually and I was able to give a little advice: don't go and walk it in July... Too hot and too busy my advice is please go in May, June or September: I could be speaking to myself once more? Am I a little famous? 

The supper I ate after the visit to Stick or Twist didn't agree. Pea soup... Was it out of date? It was priced down, but usually OK... Left a slightly acid reflux feeling in my stomach too. So don't think Wednesday will be a day of doing much. Anyway. I drank plenty of water to ease the feeling away. Oh well. Not hungover at all, but a bit sleep deprived.

***

Wednesday,

Coffee. It's just coming up to 5:30am. I don't intend to leave the flat today and I get ESA in the morning. I've paid off some of the BL I took out around NYE so I might get a little bit more tomorrow before they begin taking the other amount back? They usually write to me first...

I will call the DWP this morning to get the proof of income I need to provide to Step Change to go onto the DMP and also sort out the trays for turnips, beetroots, etc. I could go to Wetherby and come back later? But I shouldn't and should go Thursday - Lola will be there and she's almost 100% once more 

It's definitely lighter in the morning and the birds are chirping once more ...

And I could sort out a few more books to dispose of at the Heart Foundation in the Merrion Centre. They just gather dust. Same with the vinyl, my clothes and me... From dust to dust. Oh the humanity.

Yesterday I felt like the world is a giant waiting room for the appointment with Death. Oh existentialism. It's always there. What's the point? To enjoy this coffee, to listen to that motorcycle, to watch the sunrise.

Caught the X98. Better if I am in Wetherby today. A bit tired. Had a kefir drink to help reset. As I get paid tomorrow I can do stuff with Lola. Will do stuff with her this morning too. No good would come of wandering around Leeds back streets...

Walked Lola up to Kirk Deighton. She was running like a crazy thing: liberated after her poorly paw. Nice to see her happy. Met Andy and Ian for two pints. Back to nice Linda McCartney sausages and a burger in a bun. Ready for bed. Helped mum in the garden after our(Lola and my) siesta. Cut the grass and trimmed the dead fronds off the palm. Cut back the clematis. Did well.

***

Thursday,

Coffee and BBC Radio 3: Free Thinking - sleep. Paid my debts. Given myself £15 to live on daily this month. Taken PIP out of the equation ... It's not for beer, food or bills - it's for el Camino. It was last year, before the summer of discontent... When I lost it, had the knock on effect and no Archie for the summer holidays...

So now breakfast. Just organised my stuff to take back to Leeds later this afternoon ... But after school 'kick-out' time! Need to collect some seed compost on the way back with Lola, from wherever we go, for my mum.Took a bag of books to charity. The pile is lesser. I can see light at the end of the tunnel! The distance between me and Le-Puy-en-Velay is shortening! Hurrah!!!

Took Lola for a lovely long (2 hours) walking behind the Young Offenders, passed Ingmanthorpe Hall and Swinnow Hill, through Wetherby Race Course, Hornshaw Plantation and along Syke House Farm Lane (Boggart House Lane?) to Walton Road and back, negotiating cyclists and dog walkers, on the Sustrans Old Railway. Came back for lunch.

Siesta until noon. Was about to go to the allotment, but it's raining once more so caught the number 7. Back in Leeds. Whitelocks behind a huddle of older women who are cheeky. Mum's taken my Páramo Halkon to return it for a recycling credit of £50 off a new Halkon... But not until dog walking appears.

Brought the other propagator to do more seeds. Which I will do before I see Abby at 11:30am.

So I stopped in Bundobust for two new mash up specials. Indo-Chinese in their parlance, but Northern Monk beer is only Meh. I've swung east the Bavaria and a Brauerei Aying Kellerbier, but I wish it wasn't English prices. It's the 'Us and Them' antics of the Conservatives?

Left Wetherby around 12:30 and got back to the flat at 7pm, after calling in to Sainsbury's for lemons etc. Drank only halves and slept until quarter to six and read most of I, Flook an entertaining autobiography by George Melly.

***

Friday,

Coffee time and Free Thinking. Some of the episodes of In Our Time are getting a little obscure? The Waltz... I guess it's a subject. I understood it. More than I did the Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle...

More rain. It's driving me mad. Too heavy for digging the soil. And I am only a third through the plot...

Potted a 25 seed pots. 24 in the heated propagator and one more in the smaller(9 which I have a bad feeling about. Hopefully something will show? I don't leave my electricity on while I am out of the flat. I am not paying for not being in the flat, I don't own a fridge and only keep what can stand ambient temperature. Last night I had to switch off the mains as the sound the fans is too distracting; with the car alarm and the noise of sirens and those souped up cars which race around Regent Street I rarely get a full night's rest. Even without a belly full of grog. 

It's busy outside of Caffé Nero on the bottom of Albion Street at the junction with Boar Lane: deliveries on Friday ready to provide yet more food to the generally overweight and more stuff to add to our unfulfilled emptiness: I want none of it.

Taken the year old 'uncomfortable' ECCO shoes to Cancer Research on Lands Lane as Clinkards don't recycle. Came to the Caffé Nero on The Headrow to chill a while. Got an hour until my appointment with Abby. I felt bad about letting her down last time ...

Good session with Abby, but she got me blubbing when she said I am a good person. I have to think of what my purpose is in life. Jesus I've been asked that before and I don't know. What are my good character traits?

I have a train journey on which to work it out?

***

Saturday,

Awake to the sound of bird song and a suggestion of the Vernal Equinox up ahead as there is a light to the east around 6, but will it stop raining. Crossing over the bridge on Thursday, on the number 7 bus, I saw the Wharfe over its banks once more...

I will be catching the 7am bus to catch the 8:15am train to Manchester, via Hebden Bridge, etc.

Look for where salvation waits for you and nowhere else ... It cannot be found in senseless seeking where it can never be. Whether between the legs, in the eyes or at the bottom of a tank of ale... The barrel is empty. It's an empty vessel.

Coffee and stillness. Blue skies and stillness. No wind flapping the tops of trees. But it's a bit cold.

I was looking at Lola yesterday with her beautiful eyes and wondered if she can remember the times when we've been together and when we've had fun... I'd love to take her with me to the Dales, like when we walked from Otley to Ilkley on the Ebor Way and she slept in my bed in Lovell Park Grange, but she's just a little too old for being out all day...

It looks like I am on the Train to Wigan (pier) Wallgate. And opposite me are two idiots heading to a tattoo convention. Meh. Not too far to go now. Tattoo Tea Party. No! No! No!

***

Manchester,

What a great day out. Exploring Deansgate, Castlefield and a little bit of Salford (too much traffic). I visited the Instituto Cervantes twice but there was noone at the table put aside for the Manchester Camino group... Oh well. I had a few beers after a big breakfast and before I walked back to Victoria via The North Quarter. Caught the train to Todmorden and caught another one coming back to Leeds. Called in for a half in FoH and ate a katso and rice bowl in Wasabi. Next time there is an event at the IC I will head over as there is sure to be someone from the FB group then? I was just unlucky... The weather was good too. The sun was shining. Indeed it was frosty as I left mum's place. Dropped my phone again at the station gates and it definitely needs a new screen shortly...

***

Sunday,

I am not leaving the flat today. Well I may later if mum lets me stay? But really I want a none day. A quiet day. The first of two days off the pop. Slept in too. Forced myself back to sleep until 6:45. Coffee. And a bath.

...

I am definitely an independent person. I don't need anyone to support me(other than financially) or be with me when I go somewhere. Andy from B&B in Wetherby says I am happy in my own company. I guess I learnt this from not being very close to my father and had few close friends growing up? Or I've always felt comfortable by myself. I get lonely. But not insanely so. Yesterday I was on my own in Manchester. Tomorrow I will be by myself at the allotment? Today I am chilling out on my own in the flat. It's raining outside.

Why am I waiting for Lola to die so I can live my life as I want? She's definitely worth my input. She's entirely selfless and taught me to be kind and loving. I am kind and loving, but I find it hard to express. With Lola the love pours out without limit. I've never really loved 'people'. I don't know how to trust them and feel unwilling to be the person I really am with them: perhaps I live a lie?

On the Camino I do feel more brotherly towards my fellow pilgrim, but it's a temporary emotion. With Lola there is no end to the joy I feel in all ways.

When Snoops died in 2014 I was overwhelmed by the grief of losing him, athough I was never as close to him as I have been with Lola? Perhaps because he spent his formative days by my sister's side: he was her boy in Chapel Allerton and Bracken Edge, he wasn't 'my' dog. But Lola feels like my dog. The way we comfort one another...

She's definitely saved my life. In 2014 I was in the pits of despair. But for all the trauma of being kicked out of home by mum, and being forced to live in a council flat, I still am here because I know she'll be waiting for me, whenever I return from wherever I have been, to rush to the door, nick my baseball hat and pretend to chew it on the sofa as I fight to retrieve it from her.

And every time we stop for a break together on a walk, as I lay my coat as a surface we can sit on if the grass is wet, etc., she comes alongside and we 'be' together watching the world unfold. I must be a very caring person... And I love her and everything. Everyone. I love everyone because I know they deserve my love. Limitless love.

Cleaned up the flat. Washing some items, including the large IKEA throw I've had since I lived with Glenn in 2005... It's not been washed since I moved in to Lovell Park Grange... And longer I suppose. The rain has moved away. Just had brunch. Ossau-Iraty on volkornbrot. Chilling with lemon water. Flushing the toxins out of my system.

Cleaned my bedroom. Got on my hands and knees and got into the crevices next to the skirting boards... Why I don't know? Probably because I am forcing myself to stay in the flat. And it was asking for me to do it.

A voice in my head has told me to return to the text of ACIM once more. It's been in the background while I'd returned to the lessons on new years day. So time out for chapter 2. After a little pause for dinner. The final food of Sunday. Still drinking lemon water. Detox. I must detox. Yesterday was fun, but expensive and excessive...🤣

Early night.

***